Struggling with my boyfriend's child.

Reply Wed 9 Jul, 2014 01:44 am
I have been with my boyfriend for over seven years now, he has a nine year old daughter. Since the beginning there has been many struggles, from the ex not wanting to give my boyfriend access to see his child, to the child behaving very badly since i can remember. She always had a very fiery temper, she would scream and blame everyone for her bad manners, everything is her fathers fault. She used to treat him so badly and sometimes still does. I have tried to teach this child to be a young lady and tidy her room up and tidy up after herself, she used to shout for her dad and just sit on the couch. Now this started to upset me immensely because her father has been under so much stress lately with work and he has a heart problem, it upsets me that she just messes and expects her father to clean up after her. I might not be a parent but is it right for a nine year old girl to leave her clothes and underwear on the floor and expect others to clean up after her. My boyfriend also suffers from the " I don't see her " enough so she does not have any responsibilities what so ever. My boyfriend does not realize that every time he takes her part when she is wrong, he is hurting me a lot, I've tried so hard but i feel hurt and alone.
Would anyone have a problem if your boyfriend and his ex plan a birthday party every year together and I am never invited.....after 7 years. I'm good enough to make the 40 cupcakes for the school but not good enough for the party.......very hurt!!
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Reply Wed 9 Jul, 2014 06:08 am
You've been putting up with this crap for 7 years? And now, oh boy, welcome to the tween years.

Please note, I am not a parent, but it sounds like this kid could use counseling. And, frankly, so could your boyfriend. His guilt at not being around is just spoiling the hell out of her. Spoiling a child isn't doing them any good; it just makes it that much harder for them to get on in the world. Further, you need a means of communicating your stress and displeasure (because I assume hinting, nagging, asking nicely, the silent treatment, or anything else you've tried has gotten you squat). Often the backing from an authority (like a family therapist) can be helpful, that he would see it's not just you saying this.

But also, talk. As in saying to him, "It really hurts me when I'm not invited to ____'s birthday party every year. I work hard to help you parent her, and I want to be able to enjoy the positive experiences, and not just be stuck with the negative ones all the time."
Reply Wed 9 Jul, 2014 08:16 pm
From this and your other post, I see you are fighting an uphill battle.

Too much drama and dysfunction, dear.

Cut the ties and get out of there!!!

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Reply Thu 10 Jul, 2014 12:50 am
It is very unlikely the child needs counselling - this appears to be much more a parenting problem. Just about every child where the parent doesn't set boundaries, develops behavioural problems.

The question is whether or not the OP:
- is willing to put up with is; and
- can put up with it.

Those are two different things. It's up to the OP to know herself on that score.

There are other ways through it, but they too will be a struggle. Either the OP or the Father, or both, need to find a way through. There are multiple ways: counselling, books, online searches (need to be much more indepth than a forum), communicating with each other about needs / hopes / expectations / feelings / respect / hurt etc.

Does your boyfriend think that you don't deserve respect?
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