Admission essay

I'm assuming that you're looking for feedback.

Let's start with the basics. And, while I realize you may have tapped this out on your phone in order to post it here, you are going to be judged by this when trying to get into college at any level, so you need to fix these issues now.

1. Always, always, always capitalize "I" when referring to yourself. There are no exceptions to this rule, ever.
   
2. Also add an empty row between paragraphs. At least you're making what appear to be separate paragraphs but it turns into a wall of text without the spacing. In the absence of indenting paragraphs, you've got to use an empty row separator. Again, there are no exceptions here.
   
3. In the first paragraph, change happy to happier. Furthermore, that sentence is a run-on. Break it down into two sentences or add a separator such as a semi-colon or a conjunction between the two independent clauses.
   
4. Don't start sentences with "Am". Use "I am" instead.
   
5. Don't add a space before periods.
   
6. You have any number of subjects and verbs that don't agree with each other. E. g. ..."brain it grasp" should be "brain; it grasps".
   
7. You also end weirdly. You're not really ending with a conclusion. In fact, the final sentence doesn't really make any sense and it's not really supported by anything you've already mentioned beforehand. You wrote, "Because the U.S. is multi-cultural and it sees this as an asset rather than a disability ." But first off, it's a multicultural what, exactly? Society? Community? Philosophy? What does this refer to? Your experience? Your knowledge? Your theories about childhood development? The Community College's own program?
   
8. The essay is dappled with a lot of "I"'s. Can you get rid of some of them? I mean, not by starting with the word "am", but by rewording your sentences. See if you can make the essay a little less egocentric. It's about you; you'll get no argument from me here. But you can reword some of the sentences in order to make it seem a little more balanced. You will need to get across not only how the school can help you, personally, but also what you're going to do with your education and how you'll help society. You hint at this but I think the wording could be stronger.

It's a good start. Best of luck to you.

Thank you for the feed back , i'll work on it again i really appreciate your input

We are just now reaping the results from a generation of kids who can't write a complete sentence, spell, or write coherent sentences. Too much text-talk.

Essay one
within your proposed field of study , please describe your specific area of interest your related experience . How would this program relate to , and build on , your past education , training , and or experience . Residing in a community which has many kids who do not attend preschool , and a society where parents do not understand that it is essential for kids to attend preschool in order for the children to gain all the necessary development , that they need before entering primary school .

I have created after school programs at the home base care I volunteer at , in order for me to help children that are struggling at school , due to not attending preschool . There teaches do their jobs to the best of their abilities , but they also need assistance at home so that the child can progress . Working hand in hand with my local schools so that we achieve the best results for the child , by monitoring them .

Partaking in this community college initiative program , it will give me the opportunity to gain more experience and broaden my perspective . Also introduce me to a formal education about early childhood education , because i don't have any formal training .

Community College initiative will expose me to international education and the diversity of the U.S culture .


My proposed field of study is early childhood education as I have a passion for children . They give solace to my soul and there is nothing in the world that makes me happier than working with children .

I am eager to learn more about early childhood education and my specific area of interest is family specialization . Working as a social care volunteer has allowed me the opportunity to realize my purpose in life and thus, my calling . Working with children is challenging at most time and it can extremely stressful at times , however , the passion I have for my work sets the mind at ease . There is nothing fascinating ( in the universe) as a child's brain as it grasps everything brought to its attention and they are inquisitive . However , it is important to note that children cannot do this without a strong supportive structure of learning . These are the reasons why I come to the decision to volunteer and help the children .

Essay one
within your proposed field of study , please describe your specific area of interest your related experience . How would this program relate to , and build on , your past education , training , and or experience .

My proposed field of study is early childhood education as I have passion for children . They give me solace to my soul and there is nothing in the world that makes me happier than working with children .

I am eager to learn more about early childhood education and my specific area of interstate is family specialization . Working as a social care volunteer has allowed me the opportunity to realization my purpose in life and thus , my calling . Working with children is challenging at most time and it can be extremely stressful at times , however , the passion I have for my work sets the mind at ease . There is nothing fascinating in the universe as a child's brain as it grasps everything brought to its attention and they are inquisitive . However , it is important to note that children cannot do this without a strong supportive structure of learning . These are the reasons why I come to the decision to volunteer and help them.

Residing in a ommunity which has many kids who do not attend preschool , and a society where parents do not understand that it is essential for kids to attend preschool in order for the children to gain all the necessary development , that they need before entering primary school .

I have created after school programs at the home base care I volunteer at , in order for me to help children that are struggling at school , due to not attending preschool . There teaches do their jobs to the best of their abilities , but they also need assistance at home so that the child can progress . Working hand in hand with my local schools so that we achieve the best results for the child , by monitoring them .

Partaking in this community college initiative program , it will give me the opportunity to gain more experience and broaden my perspective . Also introduce me to a formal education about early childhood education , because i don't have any formal training .

Community College initiative will expose me to international education and the diversity of the U.S culture .


My proposed field of study is early childhood education as I have a passion for children . They give solace to my soul and there is nothing in the world that makes me happier than working with children .

I am eager to learn more about early childhood education and my specific area of interest is family specialization . Working as a social care volunteer has allowed me the opportunity to realize my purpose in life and thus, my calling . Working with children is challenging at most time and it can extremely stressful at times , however , the passion I have for my work sets the mind at ease . There is nothing fascinating ( in the universe) as a child's brain as it grasps everything brought to its attention and they are inquisitive . However , it is important to note that children cannot do this without a strong supportive structure of learning . These are the reasons why I come to the decision to volunteer and help the children .