My daughter will not behave?

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My daughter is 12. Very stubborn and pretty well spoiled by her mother and me,but overall a great kid.
Last week she came home at midnight. when she was supposed to be home at 10:00 p.m. at the latest and I smelled beer. I asked her about it and she flat out denied it. I would've accepted it if she owned up to the wrongdoing,but she flat out lied. I HATE to be lied to.
I banned her from ALL activities for the rest of the school year and told her to go to bed. She turned on the crocodile tears ,but I waved her off to bed anyway. She then flat out REFUSED to go to bed and began to get extremely loud with her crying. I told her to be quiet and go to bed NOW. Still with the loud tears and sobbing,not listening to anything I was saying.
Finally I spoke loud and told her she had 2 options.
1. Stop having the temper tantrum and go to bed NOW.

2. Keep up the noise and I'd give her something worth crying about.

Three minutes and NO attempts to stop crying and calm down later, I had had enough. Back home in Slovakia I would have gotten a slap and a beating for acting that way, but I try to be nicer to my girl.
I say one more time for her to stop having a tantrum and go to bed,but still she refused. I felt that she was choosing to be defiant. I cannot stop myself smacking her bottom a few times. Cry still louder and begin jumping up and down. I had enough. She make me crazy!
I grasp her arm and march her upstairs to her bedroom,deaf to any pleas by that point. When we get to her bedroom I tell her to go in and change into her nightgown. Smacking is coming. Wait a few minutes and go in too. Where's my daughter? Hiding in the closet!
I tell her to stop behaving like a small child and act like a big girl, meaning come out and accept her punishment. She refused.
I'm a big guy. I know my own strength. I not want to fight and maybe hurt my child,so I leave her alone.
I tell her that until she acts like a big girl no TV,no computer games,and NO outings. She keep asking, "Why,Papa?"
I tell her no punishment, no privileges. She says she don't want to be smacked, but she want her privileges. I say No deal. Her mother is black and she says quit being nice and whip her with a belt,but I don't want to do this. I think I am too strong and maybe badly hurt my girl, make her black and blue.
My girl is sneaky. She watch TV when I am not home and comes homes still later than I tell her.
My girl is making me crazy. Still very naughty.I feel I will hurt her soon,but she not listen to her Papa.

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[+3] - jespah - 03/08/2013I think you went to the nuclear option waaaayyy too quickly. I agree that this was a big offense, but once you had taken away all of her privileges for the remainder of the school year and had...

@Oman Ra,

My Papa is from Finland. He would've MADE me bend over his lap and smacked my butt until I was just plain miserable then put me to bed with no chance to rub my butt and commands to go straight to sleep. You're being too nice!

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@Oman Ra,

I think you went to the nuclear option waaaayyy too quickly.

I agree that this was a big offense, but once you had taken away all of her privileges for the remainder of the school year and had threatened her with a spanking, you really didn't have anywhere else to go, and she knew it. Hence continuing to misbehave (and couple this with the fact that a child undergoing a temper tantrum isn't exactly behaving rationally to begin with), she had absolutely nothing whatsoever to lose by continuing to disobey you. And she had a lot to lose by being obedient. Never mind that she was guilty - she isn't registering that.

Maybe next time, a few ideas -
* calm down. Someone's got to be rational during these episodes. That person, most of the time, has got to be you, the parent.
* don't be passive-aggressive, expecting her to own up to the drinking. Instead, you can be a lot more open about it, e. g. I smell beer on your breath. Are you sure you don't want to tell me that you had any? Lying to me about this is only going to make things worse.
* think about, and use, a step system of punishments. You don't need to start at step #1 but you shouldn't be starting at step #50, either. Just, have a place to go (and something for her to lose) if she continues to be defiant.
* let her scream her head off if she's going to throw a tantrum. Just ignore her, and read the newspaper or whatever. She is getting a rise out of you by doing that, so don't give her the satisfaction.

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@Linna Kulka,

Spanking 2 - 3 times a week will be very effective.

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@Oman Ra,

Oman Ra wrote:

My daughter is 12. Very stubborn and pretty well spoiled by her mother and me,but overall a great kid.
Last week she came home at midnight. when she was supposed to be home at 10:00 p.m. at the latest and I smelled beer. I asked her about it and she flat out denied it. I would've accepted it if she owned up to the wrongdoing,but she flat out lied. I HATE to be lied to.
I banned her from ALL activities for the rest of the school year and told her to go to bed. She turned on the crocodile tears ,but I waved her off to bed anyway. She then flat out REFUSED to go to bed and began to get extremely loud with her crying. I told her to be quiet and go to bed NOW. Still with the loud tears and sobbing,not listening to anything I was saying.
Finally I spoke loud and told her she had 2 options.
1. Stop having the temper tantrum and go to bed NOW.

2. Keep up the noise and I'd give her something worth crying about.

Three minutes and NO attempts to stop crying and calm down later, I had had enough. Back home in Slovakia I would have gotten a slap and a beating for acting that way, but I try to be nicer to my girl.
I say one more time for her to stop having a tantrum and go to bed,but still she refused. I felt that she was choosing to be defiant. I cannot stop myself smacking her bottom a few times. Cry still louder and begin jumping up and down. I had enough. She make me crazy!
I grasp her arm and march her upstairs to her bedroom,deaf to any pleas by that point. When we get to her bedroom I tell her to go in and change into her nightgown. Smacking is coming. Wait a few minutes and go in too. Where's my daughter? Hiding in the closet!
I tell her to stop behaving like a small child and act like a big girl, meaning come out and accept her punishment. She refused.
I'm a big guy. I know my own strength. I not want to fight and maybe hurt my child,so I leave her alone.
I tell her that until she acts like a big girl no TV,no computer games,and NO outings. She keep asking, "Why,Papa?"
I tell her no punishment, no privileges. She says she don't want to be smacked, but she want her privileges. I say No deal. Her mother is black and she says quit being nice and whip her with a belt,but I don't want to do this. I think I am too strong and maybe badly hurt my girl, make her black and blue.
My girl is sneaky. She watch TV when I am not home and comes homes still later than I tell her.
My girl is making me crazy. Still very naughty.I feel I will hurt her soon,but she not listen to her Papa.

I wasn't going to reply but I was overwhelming compelled to. Secondly, I really have no right to suggest anything you should do as a parent, she's your child.

I think this type of resistance training fails. There has been many recent studies in child raising that suggests punishments during certain ages actually create more problems than they solve. They suggest the exact opposite to punishment. Which at first sounds insane. But not after its explained by "opposite".

So first they explain that the child has two factors they are battling. In your case your daughter staying out past curfew having fun with her friends. She is driven by this fun that she doesn't comprehend the consequences of breaking the curfew rule.

She doesn't fully understand WHY you place this curfew rule. She doesn't understand that its there because you worry for her well being. That life has certain rules that once broken have consequences. You are attempting to reveal these consequences through taking a way things she enjoys.

But she isn't connecting the two. She only sees it as a loss for attempting to have fun. So instead the message reads, you aren't allowed fun. That might sound silly but the psychology plays out that way.

So they suggest a question phase without judgement or badgering. Don't ask if she was drinking. Don't try to uncover her "crimes" but instead remind her why the rule is there in the first place. Because you care and love her and don't want anything bad to happen to her. It would break your heart if something bad happened to her. So its there to protect her. Tell her how it makes you feel when you worry about her when she's late. Not knowing if something is wrong.

This is attempting to instill empathy towards you as her parent. Rather than seeing it as a loss of fun things. You also instill empathy for herself, that staying out past curfew endangers herself.

Patenting doesn't come with a handbook. And its easy for someone else to tell you what you should do when you face the difficulty when there is resistance to what "should" work.

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@Oman Ra,

I would spank her.

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@WayneD,

I'm sure you would. Why, you've made it your mission to come here and tell everyone how much you would hit a child.

You must be fun at parties.

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My daughter will not behave?

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