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Yet another depressing poem to go down in history (what's new?)

 
 
Reply Tue 18 Dec, 2012 03:37 am
An empty flask
no alcohol
just the taste
it's after nine
liquor stores are closed
what do you do?

All is empty
it'd be alright
if this was a void
but it's life

There are trees
people
songs constructed
by lives
filled with heart break
tragedy
longing for a touch
but still empty

There are good times
floating about
at venues
hosting a passionate man
who knows how to use
a guitar
fronting a band
what a good time
but even if you were there
even if you were
that passionate man
but even...
still
empty

Lower your standards
fill your life with trash
with amputated arms
laced in syringe tracks

Supply your desire
with whores
share the disgraceful shame
of many men
some where everyone
has been before

Sit on that bench
audience to the shore
and across the bay
gaze at down town

Behind the building lights
and walking on the cement
waiting at red lights
texting
chatting among friends
whom all have something
to do

sit and watch
the city move
to a rhythm
outside
of you

What's new?
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Type: Discussion • Score: 0 • Views: 852 • Replies: 3
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PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Tue 18 Dec, 2012 08:30 am
@JTG198904,
I think you are trying to cover too many subjects in your poems.

I like the stanzas:

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

There are trees
people
songs constructed
by lives
filled with heart break
tragedy
longing for a touch
but still empty

There are good times
floating about
at venues
hosting a passionate man
who knows how to use
a guitar
fronting a band
what a good time
but even if you were there
even if you were
that passionate man
but even...
still
empty

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Expand ONE more stanza to this poem and concentrate on the message of one thought only.

Keep writing!! You have talent!
JTG198904
 
  1  
Reply Wed 19 Dec, 2012 06:09 am
@PUNKEY,
Thank you for your input, and that actually sounds better. I didn't feel good about that one at all but with those parts removed, I feel much better about it.

Also I should mention that I tend to make that mistake (to cover too many subjects) when I'm drunk (which I was pretty hammered at the time). I'll just remember to revise them when I'm sober before I post them.
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JTG198904
 
  1  
Reply Wed 19 Dec, 2012 06:20 am
@JTG198904,
I really like these stanza, so I've decided to make it a whole different poem it's self "What's new?"

Sit on that bench
audience to the shore
and across the bay
gaze at down town

Behind the building lights
and walking on the cement
waiting at red lights
texting
chatting among friends
whom all have something
to do

sit and watch
the city move
to a rhythm
outside
of you

What's new?
0 Replies
 
 

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