@Chights47,
Hi Chights47
Quote:We always have "conflicts" we always talk those out no problem. It's highly unlikely that 2 people will completely in every single situation. It's just these pointless conflicts that only do harm to us both, those aren't necessary.
Those conflicts ARE necessary. For you they shouldn't have to exist, for her they are essential.
What you need to understand is the game she is playing, and then find the path in between (that is part of the 'little' you can do)...which of course, is rather difficult to identify and do. But the first part to doing it, is to not take part in her delusional 'victim' view, and to stand firm by your view...but not in a way that you are trying to please her (but rather, in a factual way). Don't let her push 'your view' around, because it is your view (not hers), and you see what you see.
By the way - if you tell her 'she's beautiful' and don't get mad at her when she tells you that you are lying - then you are in fact lying. This isn't because what you said was wrong, but because you are trying to please her by withholding things that you are feeling - your emotions (whether of frustration, anger, irritation, outrage...whatever), and she senses that and uses it to reinforce her views. That is why you need to be firm about what you think, say exactly what you feel (firmly and respectfully), and don't take part in her delusion of victimhood.
As I said before also - talk about consequences with her. If she doesn't see the consequences coming (and she'll try not to), she can then use those consequences to reinforce 'I'm not beautiful' etc...rather than looking at her own behaviour. Have a look in your heart at how you will feel if this behaviour continues for another 6 months, a year, 10 years. How long can the frustration build for you? Once you understand your own reactions to her behaviour, you have a solid foundation to talk about consequences of her behaviour with her. At the very core of this is the message - it is your behaviour that will have negative consequences (it may be 'your behaviour is driving me away), not your looks, which I find very sexy.
Next, victims use manipulative behaviour to reinforce their victimhood - they look to divert conversation (so always stick to what you know, be aware of attempts to divert and do not be diverted, and if you have to repeat yourself over and over - do so, firmly and respectfully), The manipulative behaviour may take the form of trying to shift 'blame' to you, or cause an emotional reaction, or an outright lie that leaves you dumbfounded - always ignore these and come back to the central issue (if you don't ignore them, anything you say will be used to divert the conversation even further away).
If she says something valid, but you know will end up diverting conversation, say 'what we need to talk about now is (issue named here)'. Don't add extra in because she will use it to divert the conversation. If she demands you talk about it, then you can say 'I promise we can talk about that after, but right now we must sort out (insert issue here)'
Do you understand? Do NOT be diverted. Do not take part in her delusion of victimhood. Do not allow her to trample over your views of her. And be firm and respectful while doing this.
This by the way - is only about breaking her sense of victimhood. Building self esteem is done in multiple other ways.
May I suggest you do searches of amazon for what you are looking for. Multiple things you can search for a books on victimhood, manipulative people, self esteem, self deception (not many on this subject) etc. If the relationship is worth it, then it's worth educating yourself about this (otherwise you face years of the same)
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