My dear Husband

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Hi,

Lemme introduce myself first. Iam divya from India,Bangalore and I work for an MNC here. Iam 26 years old , Iam married I have a girl child, and the second one is yet to see this world on august2011.
My husband cares for me a lot, he gets me all the best things in this world for me, he cares for my child too, he speaks to me well, he often says " He loves me a lot and cannot live without me", but unfortunately when there is any heated arguments between us, he abuses me, he uses profound languages to scold me. He has never hit me in these 3 years of our marriage. He also abuses my parents too, he is never satisfied with them, no matter how well they take care of him. But he never abuse them directly, he is always good to them and speak well.
After every fight he apologise for the profound language, and requests me to forget what has happened, and the very next moment he behaves as though nothing has happened between us, as though there was no fight at all.....!!!!!!!!!
I dont know whether he will change or not ??? Iam confused...... I dont want my childrens to be without a father.............

Should I live like this, try to change him ?????? what should I do ?? Iam confused.........:-(((

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@divya851,

I am sorry to read this, and I realize you're in a difficult position.

One thing that can often happen in abuse situations is, you have the fight and the making up is really good -- the abuser is very, very attentive, the makeup sex might be really good, etc., and people can end up tolerating abuse in order to get to the goodies at the end.

But the thing is, in nonabusive relationships, you can get the pleasantries without the preliminary heartaches and nastiness.

While I recognize that circumstances are different there, versus here, I do suggest that you speak with a trusted friend (perhaps your mother?) and begin to work out in your head not only whether you wish to continue this way, potentially for decades, but also what sort of an example this is setting for your daughter, in terms of her learning how to deal with the men in her life.

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@divya851,

Your husband needs to learn to manage his anger. He gets mad about something and takes it out on his family. Some men do this because they feel inferior or weak and do it to feel more in control, but it does not work and usually only makes them more violent over time. If your husband is willing there are things he can do to stop this behavior. You should talk to him when he is in a good mood or when he is apologizing for hurting you because that is the time he will be most open to learning a new way to act when he gets angry. There are many books written about anger management and many websites. Here are some ideas for you and your husband to explore:

I copied the wrong link. Let me go and find it and I'll repost.

Try this one:
http://www.angermanagementtips.com/tips.htm

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@divya851,

divya851 wrote:

Hi,

Lemme introduce myself first. Iam divya from India,Bangalore and I work for an MNC here. Iam 26 years old , Iam married I have a girl child, and the second one is yet to see this world on august2011.
My husband cares for me a lot, he gets me all the best things in this world for me, he cares for my child too, he speaks to me well, he often says " He loves me a lot and cannot live without me", but unfortunately when there is any heated arguments between us, he abuses me, he uses profound languages to scold me. He has never hit me in these 3 years of our marriage. He also abuses my parents too, he is never satisfied with them, no matter how well they take care of him. But he never abuse them directly, he is always good to them and speak well.
After every fight he apologise for the profound language, and requests me to forget what has happened, and the very next moment he behaves as though nothing has happened between us, as though there was no fight at all.....!!!!!!!!!
I dont know whether he will change or not ??? Iam confused...... I dont want my childrens to be without a father.............

Should I live like this, try to change him ?????? what should I do ?? Iam confused.........:-(((

I would be very surprised to see your husband behave as the Americans, or the English think is acceptible... Considering how many cultures on that continent devalue women to the point of killing them, it does not sound like you are doing so badly... Romance is not all it is cracked up to be...Survival is often considered secondary to happiness, but it is primary to happiness... Still, when survival seem assured, people start to think of love and happiness... Consider why it is that when Indians, and their related cultures come to this land, that they do so good financially... It is because they stick together, and work together.. I understand that to be happy, and perhaps even honorable, that you must honor your parents... I do not envy you having to choose, or for being made to choose between parents and husband... The fact is, that if your husband cared to have a really successful marriage, he would do all in his power not only to make you are part of his life, but to form a strong relationship with your parents since you all have a common goal in reality, of passing on your common genes to a new, successful generation... The reason the past cared so little for love was that it did not serve the purpose of survival, but often hurt the chances of survival... Don't let it hurt you... Love is for children...

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@Fido,

Quote:

Don't let it hurt you... Love is for children...

She's not asking for romance, she is asking for respect and freedom from fear. Respect comes from love. Freedom comes from trust. You don't think a husband can cherish his wife and give her love and trust? You think this woman doesn't deserve this from her husband ? You think any woman should allow herself and her family to be verbally abused? You think only American and European women can get their men to behave in a loving, respectful way and she should just suck it up (as we say in the US) and live in a sad marriage? I don't agree and I think by asking for help this woman wants to try and heal her family. It is brave of her to do this, and as one of her countrymen you should encourage her to try and not tell her to suffer in silence. I think her husband is capable of changing in this situation if he is willing. Men often do feel terrible when they take their anger out on their family, and the fact that it has not yet escalated to physical abuse means there is still hope for him. He must be willing to confront his own problems and to become a better man. That's really what this is about - the husband becoming a better man. Only weak, unhappy men hurt the ones who are in their care, and maybe this man can learn new ways to deal with his frustrations other than hurting those he loves. I hope this woman fights like a tiger to make things right in her world - and if this husband doesn't rise to the level of her goodness, she should take her children and leave.

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Your husband's verbal abuse in inexcusable. He is a bully.

You must tell him - when he is not angry - that his outbursts hurt you and your parents. Tell him that he must learn how to express his anger.

Does he have another male friend or religious leader he can speak to about this?

This will only get worse if something is not done. This kind of behavior is taught from parent to child. He cannot model this behavior to the children. You cannot model this behavior of being the helpless victim.

Do you want your children to be bullies?

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@divya851,

You fail to mention how YOU react in these arguments.

Perhaps we are not seeing the whole picture here. We automatically demonize the husband but divya does not say whether she engages in these heated arguments. Perhaps she is not a victim but the other half of a bad relationship.

She states he "abuses" her but then says he never hits her. I assume she means verbally but does she verbally abuse him back?

1 Reply

@Green Witch,

Green Witch wrote:

Quote:
Don't let it hurt you... Love is for children...

She's not asking for romance, she is asking for respect and freedom from fear. Respect comes from love. Freedom comes from trust. You don't think a husband can cherish his wife and give her love and trust? You think this woman doesn't deserve this from her husband ? You think any woman should allow herself and her family to be verbally abused? You think only American and European women can get their men to behave in a loving, respectful way and she should just suck it up (as we say in the US) and live in a sad marriage? I don't agree and I think by asking for help this woman wants to try and heal her family. It is brave of her to do this, and as one of her countrymen you should encourage her to try and not tell her to suffer in silence. I think her husband is capable of changing in this situation if he is willing. Men often do feel terrible when they take their anger out on their family, and the fact that it has not yet escalated to physical abuse means there is still hope for him. He must be willing to confront his own problems and to become a better man. That's really what this is about - the husband becoming a better man. Only weak, unhappy men hurt the ones who are in their care, and maybe this man can learn new ways to deal with his frustrations other than hurting those he loves. I hope this woman fights like a tiger to make things right in her world - and if this husband doesn't rise to the level of her goodness, she should take her children and leave.

Do you have some magic lens with which to view other cultures??? Because I do not... Yet, what they have must have worked once or there would not be so many of them... Consider, that in some of those societies knowing constant warfare, that it was rare for a girl to survive into adulthood... Among the ancient Greeks, women were so devalued as human beings that a woman's worth was more as a consort than as a wife, and many homes and homesteads fell empty for want of a woman to give them life...

And it did work for a time; but it was doomed... From my perspective, it is the women that carry society, especially Indian society... Men are valued highly and worth nothing... But, having not the same lens as you, I am unable to judge the evidence I am given... It would be cool to have all the facts, and the perspectives from both sides and be able to judge... But we will not have that, and you don't need it anyway... You have already made up your mind...

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@Green Witch,

I agree with these suggestions. It sounds like you want to work on your marriage - and maybe your husband does as well. He just does not know how to. Ask him - ask him if he wants this too - not being familar with your culture, is there counseling available? Maybe working with a marriage counselor could help you both - especially with his anger issues.

From what you wrote he does seem to love you, just does not know how to handle his anger. He needs to for your love and the love of his children. I'd also explain to him the negative impact on your children and how you are concerned for them as well.

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@Bella Dea,

Bella Dea wrote:

You fail to mention how YOU react in these arguments.

Perhaps we are not seeing the whole picture here. We automatically demonize the husband but divya does not say whether she engages in these heated arguments. Perhaps she is not a victim but the other half of a bad relationship.

She states he "abuses" her but then says he never hits her. I assume she means verbally but does she verbally abuse him back?

We do not know, for example; what is her knowledge of other cultures and relationships which could well prejudice her against her own culture... There are a lot of people living hand to mouth who think because some television girl is treated like a queen that such is what all women should enjoy... No doubt, the guy is a butt wipe... A lot of those male oriented cultures produce just that quality in men.... The answer may be to see the situation she is in for what it is compared to what other women around her endure, or enjoy... Too high of expectations is the general cause of much unhappiness... She needs to work out an individual relationship with her husband (or not) rather than in comparison to some ideal relationship that never ever was... It does not matter what the form of the relationship is... It does not matter what ideal the culture holds up before people... What matters is that each one commits all to a single goal, of making the relationship successful and happy... We all work out our own deals in life regardless of the form generally considered ideal... Every form of relationship is both form and relationship, and if you want the thing to work there is going to be more relationship and less formality... When they work, relationships are not static, by dynamic...

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Was this an arranged marriage?

Respect, if not given, must be demanded.
Do you have traffic lights? what colour is the caution lights what colour is the stop light.
Discuss this simple strategy with your husband. Ask him what he feels would be a good response.

When your husband is acting in a way that is not repectful.
Say to him "Yellow light" In a mild tone.
If his disrespectfull actions and words continue
say to him "RED LIGHT" in an assertive tone
If his disrespectfull language continues. Leave the room. Leave his presence so he understands that you are not willing to be subject to this treatment.
If necessary leave the house and go for a walk until he has had time to calm down.
Husbands who are abusive often have an underlying self esteeem problem. he feels inadequate in some way.
Do seek to find the underlying cause for your husbands frustration. Do you have a better job than him?

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Good morning everybody,

Thanks for those responses from your end. ok... lemme give you the full details....
How I face the heated arguments : I do not shout at him, even if he abuse me... I just try to argue with him in a very polite manner, because if he is hurted by my words, Iam the one who is not going to be in peace.. I LOVE HIM VERY MUCH, and I DO NOT WANT TO MISS HIM IN MY LIFE, because, he acts in a wierd way only when he is in anger, most of the time he does not remove his frustation on me, only certain times when he is not able to solve issues, he shows his anger to me..., when I explain him Iam no way related to the discussuion or Iam not the person who has comitted mistake... He quickly realises, Iam hurted.. immediately he seeks for apology.. and assures me that he would not repeat these kind of abuses to me.........
As you all have said... He loves me and my children a lottttttttttt............... My heart tells me that.. I can even see that in his eyes toooooo..............He does not like, If Iam in any sort of trouble, and he also knows I can't live without him,niether can he.....

We can go for councelling here, but Iam sure he will not accept, and also he will be hurted.

I deeply believe he can change... I dont know whether the way I react in arguments is correct, or I should also shout at him....which I can never do....He will be deeply hurted if I say anything harsh to him.....

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Divya, you've got some good advice here.

The problem with the Indian society is that women are expected to "suck it up" in relationships because separation from a husband and the ensuing single-woman life is considered a disgrace and is highly frowned upon.

About your particular situation: While your husband hasn't hit you yet, there's no guarantee he never will. Abuse of any kind, whether physical or verbal, in a relationship doesn't bode well.

You mentioned he might not like the idea of counseling, but couldn't you try talking him into it somehow? Perhaps if you told him how deeply hurt you become by his aggressive behavior, he might understand.

I've never had to deal with arguments like that, but I assume shouting back wouldn't help. But of course, you need to be assertive about your problems - and need to convey to him that he bothers you. Of course, not during the arguments, but when you're both amicable.

Good luck. I hope you are able to work this out.

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It sounds like he is bringing home issues from work or from interactions with other people.

He needs someone to talk over these problems with.

You are not his therapist or whipping boy. Insist that he find a co-worker or older mentor he can talk to.

You are not his therapist or whipping boy.

Tell him to drop his bad attitude at the door when he comes into the house.

I like the yellow/red light idea . . .

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Well, unfortunately, it sounds as though she can't/won't assert herself over him. As someone else stated, Indian culture is much different.

I would hope that maybe an Indian woman would come here to help us give her some advice, as none of us really understand the dynamics of an Indian marriage.

1 Reply

@Bella Dea,

Bella Dea wrote:

I would hope that maybe an Indian woman would come here to help us give her some advice, as none of us really understand the dynamics of an Indian marriage.

I'm from India, and I do understand the deal with the Indian marriage (I'm myself not married). But honestly, I think, there's no culture specific solution to this issue. What everyone said here is pretty much what she can do.

She mentioned she works for a multi-national corporation, so I assume she is not financially dependent on this guy, and she could opt out of the relationship if it gets worse.

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@spidergal,

Oh good. Well then I guess that's that.

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My dear Husband

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