LOL Littlek. I couldn't have said it better myself. Some people just don't get it!
The photo's of the dead thing always had me scratching my head. My father use to come home from funerals with tons of pics and I always told him that I thought it was so morbid. I remember asking him why he did that and his response was "the rest of the family does it". After he died I got rid of all those pictures. We even have a pic of my father and his sister comparing eachothers pics, lol. I'll never get it!
My uncle died in august and my aunt said she wanted lots of pictures to be taken (Phil was a photographer), but NONE of the coffin/Phil. I thought it odd that she had to specify that. But, still, people did photograph Phil in the coffin. At my grandmother's funeral a couple of kids took some pix of my grandma. Very odd. In the several funerals I'd been to before these two I'd never noticed that happening.
Oh Gezzy, People say stupid things at the time of death and at funerals. It is best to let those comments slide over you. There are snappy comebacks, but who needs 'em? This is an excellent time, however, to tell someone who hurts you, exactly why, or do say something that might make them stop in their tracks for a moment. Remember, you have to go through the stages of grief, which I can't remember, sorry, and one of them is anger. Feel it and use it to blow off emotion. I was at a Wake a few years ago, and one of the teenaged granddaughters came to me and said, "Have they found the diamond, yet?" Oh, yuck, I thought. This stupid child has been listening to her parents discuss the man's estate and he was not yet cold in his grave. Her mother later came in (the dead man's DIL) and told me the widow was taking it all too hard. I'd already given the girl some of my mind, I was quite happy to tell her mother that we ought to remember him, at least for this day.
Anyway, you understand the tragic thing, that despite knowing death will come, it is at that moment and then afterwards when our grief reaches its fullest intensity. Despite our imaginations being so good, it is reality that hits home.
Do you know that Auden poem, it was read in a popular movie (whose name I can't remember!). Let's see if I can scare it up... OK, 4 Weddings and a Funeral. Written for the death of a gay lover, but showing, I think, the devastation and also the dismay when the world doesn't stop with your grief.
IX
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone.
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone.
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead.
Put crêpe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
________
It is hard for me NOT to feel something of this when I'm on the way to a service and see people having fun on the street. "Stop laughing!" I want to say. "Don't you know that someone has died?"
At my father's funeral, my hideous stepmother's sister told everyone that with her sister... "my father had found the love of his life." Of course, all five of the children from his happy first marriage were standing right there. We were totally dismayed and none of us ever liked her after that.
Gezzy, so glad to see you back. I think sometimes at funerals people just don't know what to say. I still feel that way even though I've lost a couple of dear ones. Remember, most peoples' intentions are good.
I've read that at a time like that, if you're just not sure about what to say, give the person a big hug and tell them you will be there for them, and then follow through if they ask for help. That's some of the best advice I've heard and it's what I do now.
Let your happy memories carry you through this time of grief.
((((((HUGS))))))
Littlek
It's a total mystery to me.
Piffka
Thanks so much for your support. I did tell this person that no one can control how long it takes for a person to grieve. I also told him that Robin was my very best friend for 25 years and it was going to take much longer than a week or two for me to "get over it". I'm pretty good at speaking my mind when someone ticks me off. When he told me that I better get use to it because it won't be the last person I'll lose, I was beside myself and I told him that a person just doesn't get use to losing people they love, at least I never will. What kills me is that he was the one who asked me how I was feeling and he is never ending always complaining about everything under the sun. When it's about him, I'm suppose to be supportive, but if I have a problem he tells me to let it go or to get over it. I've been avoiding him ever since he said that.
Thanks for yet another wonderful poem. You're right, I have to learn to let things roll off my back.
Thanks again :-)
Chatoyant
Thanks so much. I know what you're saying. I always have a hard time finding the right words myself, but I do just like you said. I will give big hugs and tell them if they need anything at all to let me know and I'll be there. I do think that people should stop and think about what to say in that situation because it really is a terrible time to say the wrong thing.
Huge (((((HUGS))))) to you all :-)
I'm glad you said something to him.
"With a fool no reason spend
Or be counted as his friend."
Here's one of my favorite websites... lots of poetry. She wrote wonderful meditations on death, I think, because her father died when she was a child and many friends died around her. She was also frequently called upon to write and read dirges at her college.
http://www.geocities.com/Paris/LeftBank/6865/esvm.html
Gezzy little k is right about the swift kick to the shins you have the absolute right to your feelings and thoughts. A person never gets over the loss of a loved one and why would they want to. Do what every you need to do and keep your friends presence as close to you as you like and in any way that you want to.
Piffka
Thanks so much for the site :-)
Joanne
Thanks for your support and I couldn't agree more. I absolutely hate it when someone tries to tell me how to feel and I totally agree with you about keeping your loved ones close even after they're gone. I will never let her slip out of my heart because that's what loving someone is all about. I guess some people can build a wall in front of their feelings, but I can't understand why they would want to either. If he could hear us now, his shins would be killing him, lol.
First I ever heard about this picture-taking stuff was in the office. We have two young folks working for us and both are of Ukranian heritage. The grandmother of one of them passed away a year or so ago and when he came back to work, the two of them got in a conversation about the funeral and discovered that both had picture taking relatives. In fact, the young woman said she was even delegated as official picture taker (had to stand on a chair to 'get the good shots' when her own grandmother died. She said the photos were then sent to the relatives back in Europe though she had no idea why.
Odd custom, but I'm sure it makes them feel better and whatever makes one feel better under these circumstances works for me.
Gezzy, make sure that kick in the shins is really, really hard. Some people are just clueless.
Gezzy - blow some steam off here, or come for the hugs, or the poems or the jokes.
The photos. <sigh> People take pictures of the oddest things. When i went to visit relatives in Germany about 20 years ago, I spent some time looking at family albums. To my surprise, almost every relative had a photo of the bathroom, with toilet, of my parents' first apartment in Canada. <shakes head>
Then we went to a cemetary to 'visit' some great-grandparents. There was a delay getting in, as there were tour buses there - some from Belgium and Holland, as well as some from smaller cities. People were having picnics all over the cemetary.
soooo, blow off steam, kick some @ss or shins, do what you need to do. cuz everyone all over the world is doing what they need to do.
<psst - it was nice to see friends visiting Robin's memorial book>
ehBeth, perhaps the relatives weren't used to inside plumbing?
No. LOL. They had much better facilities than we did, in those days. Well, they still do. I find North America behind western europe on most plumbing issues (except for the t.p.).
Bandylu and EhBeth
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts :-) I suppose people do grieve in different ways and I shouldn't be one to judge. It is something that bothered me enough that I wasn't going to have it at my fathers funeral though.
Thanks so much for letting me vent and get things off my chest. It has helped in a huge way to have all of you there to help me through things :-)
Well, I already ate breafast, so I'm making a great one for Gezzy...
Eggs over easy, fried tomatoes, homefries done in oil, butter, a touch of oregano, bacon, fried ham, sausage, whole wheat toast, fresh ground coffee and fresh squeezed oj.
Oh yummy!!! Thanks Mike. I haven't had anyone cook for me in a very long time ;-)
Gezzy, I want you to know that I am totally empathetic with your situation. My Godson died of a massive heart attack while fighting a fire. My husband and I went to the funeral, but it was the hardest thing that we have ever done. Four months later, our musician friend of many years died of pancreatic cancer. We did not go back to Virginia for his memorial. I realize that many think that these things bring closure, but not always. You won't forget your friend, but in time, remembering will get easier.
Oh Letty. I'm so sorry for your losses. I know in time it will get easier for me to think about Robin and treasure the wonderful memories that we had. The funeral thing never brought closure for me, in fact it made things harder for me, so I guess everyone has there own way of getting their closure.
Thanks so much for your thoughts and support :-)
