Improve the poem please, if needed

Haha that was refreshing, thank you.

I really like it. Some of the imagery is wonderful. I like the way you address it to 'Iris'- a beautiful and symbolic name/word.
Is that just happenstance (as in the person for whom you wrote the poem is actually named Iris) or did you specifically choose that word for it's sound and connotations?

I guess I might get rid of the 'Oh yeah' before the question to Iris.
I think it sounds better to say:

Who We Are
Who are we, iris?

but that's just my own specific preference for a little more formality in poetry to help delineate or differentiate it from more casual and colloquial conversation.

I love this image:

'Travelling along starry trail,

We're from the Genesis singularity'.

The only line I'm not sure about is this:
'smashed up the gravity to come here'

I'm not sure it describes as effectively as could be described what happened. In fact, I'm not sure what it means and tonally - it's not very interesting or precise.

But I like the rest of it and I like it overall. Thanks for posting it Oristar.



URL: http://able2know.org/reply/post-4297669

I really appreciate your comments, gentlemen. Thank you.

Iris was the name of a girl who discussed with me about A Brief History of Time.

Regarding 'smashed up the gravity to come here':

Current space travel is strictly limited due to the pull of gravity, according to Einstein's theories of relativity. The speed of the space travel is far behind the velocity of light. But at the moment of the Big Bang, the pieces from the exploded genesis singularity left one another with superluminal speed. At this moment, Einstein's equation doesn't work (that was why he asked God to help, and that was why I described in the poem with "smashed up gravity..." - you cannot imagine it with the established scientific conceptions).