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The Re-claiming of night

 
 
Reply Fri 21 Nov, 2003 09:37 pm
She comes for me like a thief,
creeping onto the edges of my domain.
Fast does she ride, advancing swiftly, as does Mercury.
She bewitches me, and takes over.
Her scent is that of morning's dew settling,
Her hair, the gold of Apollo.
The chariot atop which she sits, gleams. . .
with the crystalline presence of the North Wind.
It is from her I flee,
To know she is approaching, is to ready for my own demise.
To lay eyes upon her beauty, is to invite my own downfall.
Tightly she holds to what is mine.
Until such a time as I may return.
Bringing with me her ruin,
Which is my name. . . .
Dusk. . .
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Type: Discussion • Score: 1 • Views: 811 • Replies: 2
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cavfancier
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Nov, 2003 06:37 am
I really like the theme and the imagery in this poem. All it needs to be a very good piece indeed is a touch of fine-tuning in the wording. It's only my opinion, but what about: "Fast she rides, advancing swiftly, like Mercury." Also, just a quick reversal of words here: "Her scent is that of morning's settling dew/her hair, Apollo's gold/the chariot on which she sits gleams" makes for a nice rythym. I prefer "into the edges of my domains" instead of "onto", but both work. Keep up the good work!
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onyxelle
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Nov, 2003 07:41 am
i can't change it now. but thanks. it's been published for 4 years already.
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