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I Look Up at the Starry Sky: A Translation

 
 
fansy
 
Reply Sun 2 May, 2010 05:36 pm
Quote:
I Look Up at the Starry Sky

I look up at the starry sky,
It is so vast, so deep, and so blue;
High up is infinite truth that
I painstakingly seek, and pursue.

I look up at the starry sky,
It is so solemn, so pure and so holy;
Its dignity as an echo of divine justice
Fills me with love, I am awed truly.

I look up at the starry sky,
It is so free, so still and so serene;
Its broad mind is open to all"
A niche for my soul to rest, to lean.

I look up at the starry sky,
Its splendor and radiance bring
Forth eternal warmth in my heart"
The flame of hope, the thunder of spring.


This is my translation of a Chinese poem. I'd like to know if the 4 stanzas read like a real English poem. This version is pretty close to the original in meaning.
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ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sun 2 May, 2010 06:54 pm
@fansy,
This translation is quite lovely, fansy.

There are minor things I might change, but the poem works as you've done it.

Very good work.
fansy
 
  1  
Reply Fri 7 May, 2010 01:22 am
@ehBeth,
Quote:
When I look up into the starry sky, I think my oh my I get dizzy and weak and it makes me think I have the life span of a fly Can you see me breathing? ...


Quote:
When Mrs. Arable happened to look up into the starry sky and saw here little daughter sitting with Henry Fussy and going higher and higher ...


Two pieces of linguistic evidences show that "I look into the starry sky", but "Look at the Moon in Google Earth"

So do you think there is a problem in the first line of each stanza "I look at the starry night"? Or you can accept it as it is?
roger
 
  1  
Reply Fri 7 May, 2010 01:38 am
@fansy,
I would keep the original. Now, what you say here, "I look at the starry night" sounds like you are looking at a photograph, and I don't like it. What you actually said originally was "I look up at the starry night". This is more like star gazing, and less like a mere spectator, if I am making a good distinction.

My comment is neither linguistical nor grammatical. It's just the feel of the poem, and maybe just to me.

fansy
 
  1  
Reply Fri 7 May, 2010 03:36 am
@roger,
Thanks, roger, you are right. I forgot the adverb "up", I should have written "I look up at the starry sky".
fansy
 
  1  
Reply Fri 7 May, 2010 03:44 am
@fansy,
Quote:
I Look Up at the Starry Sky

I look up at the starry sky,
It is so vast, so deep, and so blue;
High up is Infinite Truth that
I painstakingly seek, and pursue.

I look up at the starry sky,
It is so solemn, so pure and so holy;
Its dignity as echo of Divine Justice
Fills me with love, I am awed truly.

I look up at the starry sky,
It is so free, so still and so serene;
Its Broad Mind is open to all"
A niche for my soul to rest, to lean.

I look up at the starry sky,
Its splendor and radiance bring
Forth Eternal Warmth in my heart"
The flame of hope, the thunder of spring.


I revised this poem by capitalizing "Infinite Truth" (1), "Divine Justice" (2) "Broad Mind" (3) and "Eternal Warmth"(4), and also I left out "an" in "as an echo of Divine Justice". These four concepts serve as the theme of each of the four stanzas respectively. What do you think of this revision?
laughoutlood
 
  1  
Reply Fri 7 May, 2010 03:54 am
@fansy,
Needs more work mate.

Looking for stars as vast and deep ...

...

that infinite truth ...
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