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Tue 29 Jul, 2008 09:43 am
6 Sex Mistakes Men Make
WebMD offers experts' sex tips for men who have sex with women.
By Martin F. Downs
WebMD Feature
Reviewed by Louise Chang, MD
Hey guys, think you know everything there is to know about having sex with women? That erotic encyclopedia you carry around in your head may contain a lot of basic errors and omissions about women's sexuality -- errors that can lead to sex mistakes.
That's because -- after learning the facts of life -- most of us are left to figure out sex for ourselves. Guys tend to take a lot of cues from adult movies, and we all know how true-to-life those are. Experience may help, but many women can be shy when talking about what they like.
To help us with some sex tips, WebMD asked two acclaimed sex educators, Tristan Taormino and Lou Paget, to tell us what they think are the most common sex mistakes men make with women.
Taormino is a prolific author, lecturer, and video producer. Her latest project is the Expert Guide educational video series from Vivid Ed.
Paget is author of The Great Lover Playbook and other sex manuals, and she gives seminars nationwide.
Sex Mistake No.1: You Know What She Wants
Men often make assumptions about what a woman wants based upon what they've done with other women. But women aren't all the same.
"You develop a repertoire as you mature sexually, but you should never assume that what worked for the last person is going to work for this person," Taormino says.
That applies not only to sexual predilections, but also to relationships, she says. "There are women who can have no-strings-attached sex, and women who can get attached very easily, and then everyone in between."
Sex Mistake No. 2: You Have All She Needs
Some women can't have an orgasm with less than 3,000 rpm. No human tongue or fingers can generate that kind of vibration. But men typically think something is wrong if a woman needs a vibrator.
"If the only way that a woman can achieve orgasm is with a vibrator, she's not broken," Taormino says.
Think of a vibrator as your assistant, not your substitute. Many couples use vibrators together. "While you're doing one thing, or two things, the vibrator can be doing something else," Taormino says.
Sex Mistake No. 3: Sex Feels the Same for Men and Women
Paget says there tends to be a "huge disconnect" between men and women in the ways that sex feels good.
"When a man has intercourse with a woman, and his penis goes into her body, that sensation is so off the charts for most men, they cannot imagine that it isn't feeling the same way for her," Paget says. "It couldn't be further from the truth."
The inside of the vagina is probably less sensitive than the outer parts for most women. Also, deep thrusting may not feel so nice on the receiving end. If the penis is too long, "it feels like you're getting punched in the stomach," Paget says. "It makes you feel nauseous."
Sex Mistake No. 4: You Know Your Way Around a Woman's Anatomy
Most guys know generally what a clitoris is and where to find it. That's not to say that they really understand it.
More than 30 years ago, at the start of the "sexual revolution," a best-selling book called the Joy of Sex got Americans hip to the orgasmic importance of the clitoris. But the belief that women must be able to orgasm from vaginal penetration stubbornly persists.
"I still get letters from people who say things like, my wife can't [orgasm] from intercourse unless she has clitoral stimulation -- please help," Taormino says. "I want to write back and say, 'OK, what's the problem?'"
"For the majority of women, it's not going to happen that way," Paget says.
Men also lack information about how to touch it and how sensitive it is, Taormino says.
A touch that's bliss for one woman may feel like nothing special, or may even be painful for someone else. Some prefer indirect stimulation.
How can you find out how she likes to be touched? Try asking her.
Sex Mistake No. 5: Wet = Turned On
Guys sometimes get hung up if a woman doesn't get slippery enough for easy penetration. Don't worry about it.
"I think there's a myth that if you're turned on, you're wet," Taormino says. Not necessarily.
Some women tend to get wetter than others, and how much natural lubrication a woman has can change from day to day. It varies by the phase of her menstrual cycle, and it's subject to influences like stress and medications.
Sex Mistake No. 6: Silence Is Golden
A lot of guys think they should be silent during sex, but unless you speak up, your partner has to guess what's doing it for you and what isn't.
If you're respectful about it, a woman who wants to please you will probably appreciate some directions.
"I'm not saying push her head in your lap," Taormino says. "I think that, 'this is how I like it,' is a very useful conversation to have."
Those tips go equally for women.
But as to the value of these "tips", anyone who's had more than one partner realizes most of this. Nothing earth-shattering or really informative here.
Mame wrote:Nothing earth-shattering or really informative here.
Yes, but Miller got so excited (no pun intended) that she needed to share her wonderful discovery...
Nope nothing new. Several things left out though.
I've learned a lot over the years, but I was recently shocked to find that some women prefer the penis to be erect during intercourse.
You gotta tell us these things, ladies! We're not mind readers. Am I right fellas? LOL!
I have the distinct feeling Miller is a virgin.
well, i do some things right.
im great at giving directions.
Re: Six Sex Mistakes Men Make
Well, there's some misinformation in there too though.
Miller wrote:Most guys know generally what a clitoris is and where to find it. That's not to say that they really understand it.
More than 30 years ago, at the start of the "sexual revolution," a best-selling book called the Joy of Sex got Americans hip to the orgasmic importance of the clitoris. But the belief that women must be able to orgasm from vaginal penetration stubbornly persists.
"I still get letters from people who say things like, my wife can't [orgasm] from intercourse unless she has clitoral stimulation -- please help," Taormino says. "I want to write back and say, 'OK, what's the problem?'"
"For the majority of women, it's not going to happen that way," Paget says.
Behold:
Quote:But an Australian urologist, Dr Helen O'Connell, has revealed that the clitoris is shaped more like a mountain than a hill.
Her work is forcing a re-write of anatomy books and a rethink among medical professionals.
The findings could also have repercussions for women coping with continence problems.
The clitoris rivals the penis in size.
"The vaginal wall is, in fact, the clitoris," said Dr O'Connell, who is based in Melbourne.
"If you lift the skin off the vagina on the side walls, you get the bulbs of the clitoris - triangular, crescental masses of erectile tissue."
[...stuff about how previous "knowledge" has been based on cadavers, and limitations thereof...]
Dr O'Connell prefers to work with magnetic resonance images (MRI) to define the true size and shape of the clitoris.
By imaging the pelvises of healthy humans - rather than dissecting dead ones - she has found that the live clitoris is even larger than she first thought.
"There's nothing quite like the shape of a clitoris," she said.
"The glans are dense with nerve endings and receptors - all the vibration and sensation is there."
The bulk of it is shaped like a pyramid, she said.
Its base forms the external genitalia or vulva; its triangular "walls" are wrapped around the urine-carrying tube known as the urethra and the vagina.
When aroused, the whole structure becomes engorged.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/5013866.stm
More here:
http://www.abc.net.au/science/news/health/HealthRepublish_1368020.htm
Well, Soz, you've done your bit in educating men about that, anyway!
:-D (Think I freaked 'em out?)
it was so simple before! now its like an effing MAZE!!!
OGIONIK wrote:it was so simple before! now its like an effing MAZE!!!
You'll understand better when you grow up.
well im not gonna be "growin" anytime soon.
all i can do is get old
unless you mean mentally, and by that standard im an old grouchy man.
Everybody gets old but not everybody grows up. That only happens to special people.
Be grateful if it ever happens to you, OG.
sozobe wrote::-D (Think I freaked 'em out?)
I dunno, but you freaked ME out!
Mame you surprised me, as a mature woman I'd thought you could handle that.
Dutchy, you know I'm a prude in public!
Mame wrote:Dutchy, you know I'm a prude in public!
How would I know, we've never met.