Who's Right?

I'm on both sides of the coin on this one. On the one hand, I have frequently lent things to people (space heater, fancy air mattress, good clothes, smal kitchen appliances) and have lost them forever. You'd think I'd learn, wouldn't you? I don't like it when someone doesn't offer to replace the item or even apologizes, but even if they did, I would be pissed that they'd treat MY things so cavalierly. You borrow it, you replace it, end of story. And it's completely irrelevant how old the thing was - if it was good enough to borrow, it's good enough to replace. Sometimes older things are better anyway (25 yr GE irons are the best!).

However, and especially with a sister, I, too, get the feeling she's trying to shake you down. I'd go with Eva's suggestion of $100 and your idea of the gift cert. at a mat store.

Just send the damn thing in the mail and say something to the effect that this represents the value of the clothing you borrowed as most were t-shirts and sorry, but that's that.

Good luck! Sisters can be hell I've lent lost of things to mine and I know!

Bottom line, though... SHE lent them so she has to assume some responsibility - i can't get mad at my sisters too, too much because, after all, I know them and I still lent them the thing.

Wanna bet? All the liberal familes I knew in Mountain View had kids that grew up to be delinquents. Mine didn't. They made it through. Surprise!

You old jackass.

Maybe you didn't read me right.

I said I would send her a check for ONE DOLLAR every THREE WEEKS.

That means you could piss her off for the next 11 and a half years by sending her "all you could spare right now."

In fact, when I mailed her the check, I would write a note with a pen that's almost out of ink, all fading in and out. I'd tear the side off a kleenex box or the label off the label of V8, and write on it something like...

"Was at the store today. I really needed to buy some store brand white rice. That seems to keep Adrianna's diarrhea at bay when I mix it with gov't cheese. Then I remember it was time to send you your check. Next month I promise I'll try to send more."

Can't you see this for the golden opportunity it is Bella?

You'll have stuff to say about her at family reunions until your daughter is ready for 1st communion.

I have never lent clothing with the expectation of getting it back, with the exception of a few very nice things and then it is very clear to the borrower that I expect it back and in good condition. I would not lend long term use items like maternity clothes with the expectation of getting them back -- certainly not in the same shape I gave them.

I think she is hormonal and you wont be able to reason with her right now. I know you are pissed but I think the thing to do is just send her the gift card and dont speak with her again until she has calmed down. Like I tell my kids, just because shes being unreasonable doesnt mean you dont have to do the right thing. And I know you intend too, so thats not knocking you. Just go ahead and vent here but do send the card and then you will have done the right thing on your end.

Well, I stayed up til 11:30 tonight unpacking all the rest of the boxes in the garage. And guess what?

I found them.

So they are off in the mail tomorrow.

Oh btw, she isn't my sister, but my cousin. We were LIKE sisters when we were younger.

I don't intend on talking to her anymore. You don't treat family the way she treated me.

She got what she wanted. End of story.

Thanks all....it's aways nice to vent away like a loony.

Just be thankful it wasn't something more "serious."

She'll be soooo disappointed, you sent her old clothes..





I just noticed.. Mame's back. All is well then.

Did the items match your estimate of what was in there? Actually, the whole thing could have been avoided if they had been returned as soon as your need for them ended. Seems like a small thing to tear family apart. On the other hand, she should have asked for them after the pregnancy if they were so important to her.

oh great, just another one of bella's attention getting ploys.

what an attention whore.

move along everyone, nothing to see here.

I gotta admit that, going against the grain here and knowing that it's all passed anyway, this is the way I'd lean too.

Like, I dunno, if I lend someone four books, they get lost, and that person tells me, well they were used, dog-eared books anyway so I'll offer you to buy you an Amazon gift card that you can buy two of the books anew with - well, then I'd be pretty pissed to be honest. You lost it, you replaced it, period - kinda.

Ah but those are books, you say, that's very different from some worn maternity clothes -- and I'd totally agree. Like, books, records, that kind of stuff is special, not like some old tees. But I dunno, people are strange. Some people are attached to X, some to Y.

I dunno, thats all really... but then so much would depend on all kinds of other things... like, is she pregnant and has very little money? Then she might panic at the thought of having to buy new stuff when she could just have used the old stuff you borrowed. Does she have enough money? Then I wouldnt know why she's going on quite like that.

One thing I can also imagine is that she'd be uncomfortable with the idea that you'll just get her some second-hand replacement clothes and send those... not because it'd be second-hand, but because she wouldnt even be able to pick 'em out -- so 1), she doesnt get the stuff she lent out back, and 2) instead of recompensation she gets other stuff that she didnt get to pick out and might not even like. Thats not very gracious, I can see some annoyance there. It'd be easier if you lived around the corner and could go pick out some replacement stuff together..

God but so many other things in play... maybe she's just being a b!tch. Or heavily influenced by the hormones. Or whatever. 200$ is a lot of money... if someone that at least used to be close asked for that kind of money back from me for some old things I borrowed, when I just didnt have that kind of money and was already having trouble taking care of family, and when on top of that it was way more than the stuff was worth, hell I'd panic, and then get really angry too.

Just saying, I can see some of the ingredients of how she might have gotten so upset. You know, lending some things out, them getting lost, and the other person then offering to only offer their market value rather than just replace them. Or offering to send back some other used stuff she picked up that I might not even like. I guess that might grate. Still her email was pretty hysterical...

Such messes are so awful.. glad this one will be shortcut now, anyway. There'll be bad feelings but at least no further escalation....

Just thought I'd mention she never even said thanks for sending the clothes back or let me know she even got them.

Sounds like she's still a little pissed at you. Or she's lacking some manners.

Sorry I missed this one the first time through.

It's been at least three years since she was pregnant. She is pregnant again. Maybe she didn't want to be and is taking part of that out on you.

Maybe, her finances aren't any better than yours and she was suddenly faced with the possibility of having to spend over $400 on maternity clothes... AGAIN!

I would have apologized profusely, told her I still had a few boxes to go through and if I find them I'll send them right away. If they have been lost, please let me know what you think is fair. Again, I'm sooo sorry.

When found, I would have included a note indicating again that I'm sorry for any stress caused, please accept my apology and I'm happy to hear another member is being added to the family, Congrats!

As Dad always said, "kill them with kindness."

You were wrong. She was right. All is done now, but you can still drop her a note expressing that you remember your childhood with her fondly and would not want to have anything get in the way of enjoying her company again at some time in the future.

Family is family.

Did you call her to make sure she got them?

I'm generally in line with squinney here.

I told her they were coming so if she didn't get them, I'm sure I'd hear about it.

I'm tellin' ya, you should have done what I suggested. Send her a dollar every month.


I would have been more surprised if she did say thanks.

My motto is, never ever, ever, ever, ever lend a book.

Give it away or keep it, but don't lend it.

Not surprised

I've just read this so hopefully I am not woefully behind…

Did she ask for you to return the clothes after she gave them to you? Was it mentioned that these were to be borrowed and not given?

I ask this because in most cases, I have given used clothes - I have given them - not on some stipulation that they were to be borrowed. Expect in the case of a formal occasion where you borrow an outfit for just that occasion.

To me, when some one hands over maternity clothes especially the type you describe, I wouldn't expect to get them back. I know those brands you speak of in maternity clothes (as I had several pieces from those stores) - I'd be surprised to get them back, because it would be doubtful they would be in much shape to wear again - they are not the best quality, but does suffice for the few months you need them - not much more.

But say you agreed to borrow. Yes, you were careless to loose them, but I also think you were very responsible to offer to buy some similar clothes and/or replace with an amount of money. To me the amount doesn't matter as I would refuse payment and just shrug it off. But that's me, I, personally would have said No big deal and I would never take money from a friend under those circumstances (unless of course you have made it a habit to lose friends' stuff in the past).

After reading some of her email responses, I'd ignore her and be happy to be rid of her.

Life's too short.


Too short for little stuff getting in the way of family, friends and happiness, I mean.