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How does one address a haggis

 
 
dadpad
 
Reply Thu 24 Jan, 2008 01:47 am
As Rabbie Burns night draws ever closer. I expect your all wondering how to address a Haggis.



Address To A Haggis
Rabbie Burns

Fair fa' your honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain o' the puddin-race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy of a grace
As lang's my arm.
2.
The groaning trencher there ye fill,
Your hudies like a distant hill,
Your pin wad help to mend a mill
In time o' need,
While thro' your pores the dews distil
Like amber bead.
3.
His knife see rustic Labour dight,
An' cut ye up wi' ready slight,
Trenching your gushing entrails bright,
Like onie ditch;
And then, O what a glorious sight,
Warm-reeking, rich!
4.
Then horn for horn, they stretch an' strive:
Deil tak the hindmost, on they drive,
Till a' their weel-swall'd kytes belyve
Are bent like drums;
Then auld Guidman, maist like to rive,
'Bethankit!' hums.
5.
Is there that owre his French ragout,
Or olio that wad staw a sow,
Or fricassee wad mak her spew
Wi perfect scunner,
Looks down wi' sneering, scornfu' view
On sic a dinner?
6.
Poor devil! see him owre his trash,
As fecl;ess as a wither'd rash,
His spindle shank a guid whip-lash,
His nieve a nit;
Tho' bluidy flood or field to dash,
O how unfit.
7.
But mark the Rustic, haggis-fed,
The trembling earth resounds his tread,
Clap in his walie nieve a blade,
He'll make it whistle;
An' legs, an' arms, an' heads will sned
Like taps o' thrissle.
8.
Ye pow'rs, wha mak mankind your care,
And dish them out their bill o' fare,
Auld Scotland wants nae skinking ware,
That jaups in luggies;
But if ye wish her gratfu' prayer,
Gie her a Haggis!

Translation
Fair full your honest, jolly face,
Great chieftain of the sausage race!
Above them all you take your place,
Stomach, tripe, or intestines:
Well are you worthy of a grace
As long as my arm.

The groaning trencher there you fill,
Your buttocks like a distant hill,
Your pin would help to mend a mill
In time of need,
While through your pores the dews distill
Like amber bead.

His knife see rustic Labour wipe,
And cut you up with ready slight,
Trenching your gushing entrails bright,
Like any ditch;
And then, O what a glorious sight,
Warm steaming, rich!

Then spoon for spoon, the stretch and strive:
Devil take the hindmost, on they drive,
Till all their well swollen bellies by-and-by
Are bent like drums;
Then old Master of the house, most like to burst,
'The grace!' hums.

Is there that over his French ragout,
Or olio that would sicken a sow,
Or fricassee would make her throw-up
With perfect disgust,
Looks down with sneering, scornful view
On such a dinner?

Poor devil! see him over his trash,
As feeble as a withered rush,
His thin legs a good whip-lash,
His fist a nut;
Through bloody flood or field to dash,
O how unfit.

But mark the Rustic, haggis-fed,
The trembling earth resounds his tread,
Clap in his ample fist a blade,
He will make it whistle;
And legs, and arms, and heads will crop
Like tops of thistle.

You powers, who make mankind your care,
And dish them out their bill of fare,
Old Scotland want no watery ware,
That splashes in small wooden dishes;
But is you wish her grateful prayer,
Give her a Haggis!
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dlowan
 
  1  
Reply Thu 24 Jan, 2008 03:36 am
Here is the only way I would address a haggis:


Oh putrid pudding in the bin, I've never, ever done a sin
So foul and noxious as to force, me to eat you, e'en in sauce!
So lie and fester there, oh grim, and slimy offal as you limn
In your putrescence as you lay, the fate that waits us all, one day!
0 Replies
 
dadpad
 
  1  
Reply Thu 24 Jan, 2008 03:55 am
McT is gonna be pissed with you brer rabbit.
0 Replies
 
McTag
 
  1  
Reply Thu 24 Jan, 2008 04:13 am
Oh little rabbit with the fag
Today ye've made my shoulders sag
Can haggises make Aussies gag?
Oh disbelief!
Ye've dissed our fast food in a bag
What cheek, good grief!
0 Replies
 
Walter Hinteler
 
  1  
Reply Thu 24 Jan, 2008 04:18 am
Haggis

Much to his dad and mum's dismay
Horace ate himself one day
He didn't stop to say his grace
He just sat down and ate his face
"We can't have this!" his dad declared
"If that lad's ate he should be shared"
But even as he spoke they saw
Horace eating more and more:
First his legs and then his thighs,
His arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes
"Stop him someone!" Mother cried
"Those eyeballs would be better fried!"
But all too late for they were gone,
And he had started on his dong...
"Oh foolish child!" the father mourned
"You could have deep-fried those with prawns,
Some parsley and some tartar sauce..."
But H was on his second course;
His liver and his lights and lung,
His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue
"To think I raised him from the cot
And now he's gone to scoff the lot!"
His mother cried what shall we do?
What's left won't even make a stew..."
And as she wept her son was seen
To eat his head his heart his spleen
And there he lay, a boy no more
Just a stomach on the floor...
None the less since it was his
They ate it - and that's what haggis is

From: Monty Python's Big Red Book
0 Replies
 
McTag
 
  1  
Reply Thu 24 Jan, 2008 04:27 am
All you ever wanted to know about haggis, and much else besides

http://www.macsween.co.uk/index.asp
0 Replies
 
dlowan
 
  1  
Reply Thu 24 Jan, 2008 05:11 am
McTag wrote:
Oh little rabbit with the fag
Today ye've made my shoulders sag
Can haggises make Aussies gag?
Oh disbelief!
Ye've dissed our fast food in a bag
What cheek, good grief!



That little sack of guts and clag,
Would make a glutton's greed to flag,
And cry out for the barfing bag...
But, Oh! relief!
Let Scotsmen haver, brood and nag.......
Fast closed, my teeth!
0 Replies
 
flyboy804
 
  1  
Reply Thu 24 Jan, 2008 07:35 am
To paraphrase Ed Norton's famous line, "Hello, Haggis."
0 Replies
 
McTag
 
  1  
Reply Thu 24 Jan, 2008 08:07 am
dlowan wrote:
McTag wrote:
Oh little rabbit with the fag
Today ye've made my shoulders sag
Can haggises make Aussies gag?
Oh disbelief!
Ye've dissed our fast food in a bag
What cheek, good grief!



That little sack of guts and clag,
Would make a glutton's greed to flag,
And cry out for the barfing bag...
But, Oh! relief!
Let Scotsmen haver, brood and nag.......
Fast closed, my teeth!


Let Aussies all just just stick to booze
And legal use of didgeridoos
Their gastro-views are just bad news
To hungry Jocks
Ten thousand haggis we will use
Then scotch on rocks
0 Replies
 
dlowan
 
  1  
Reply Thu 24 Jan, 2008 08:09 am
McTag wrote:
dlowan wrote:
McTag wrote:
Oh little rabbit with the fag
Today ye've made my shoulders sag
Can haggises make Aussies gag?
Oh disbelief!
Ye've dissed our fast food in a bag
What cheek, good grief!



That little sack of guts and clag,
Would make a glutton's greed to flag,
And cry out for the barfing bag...
But, Oh! relief!
Let Scotsmen haver, brood and nag.......
Fast closed, my teeth!


Let Aussies all just just stick to booze
And legal use of didgeridoos
Their gastro-views are just bad news
To hungry Jocks
Ten thousand haggis we will use
Then scotch on rocks


Yer verse is slipping.....too much haggis????? Shocked
0 Replies
 
Setanta
 
  1  
Reply Thu 24 Jan, 2008 08:13 am
An incautious young man from Dundee
Ate haggis while on a drinking spree
The result was most horrid
Vomit from heel to forehead
While his mates rolled laughing in glee
0 Replies
 
McTag
 
  1  
Reply Thu 24 Jan, 2008 08:15 am
Here's a write-up of the big bash from the West of Scotland:

http://www.west-sound.co.uk/Article.asp?id=236082
0 Replies
 
McTag
 
  1  
Reply Thu 24 Jan, 2008 08:17 am
dlowan wrote:
McTag wrote:
dlowan wrote:
McTag wrote:
Oh little rabbit with the fag
Today ye've made my shoulders sag
Can haggises make Aussies gag?
Oh disbelief!
Ye've dissed our fast food in a bag
What cheek, good grief!



That little sack of guts and clag,
Would make a glutton's greed to flag,
And cry out for the barfing bag...
But, Oh! relief!
Let Scotsmen haver, brood and nag.......
Fast closed, my teeth!


Let Aussies all just just stick to booze
And legal use of didgeridoos
Their gastro-views are just bad news
To hungry Jocks
Ten thousand haggis we will use
Then scotch on rocks


Yer verse is slipping.....too much haggis????? Shocked


Slipping how? I was quite pleased with that effort. Confused
0 Replies
 
DrewDad
 
  1  
Reply Thu 24 Jan, 2008 09:49 am
Haggis, haggis everywhere and drove everyone to drink.







I don't think I could stomach haggis.
0 Replies
 
DrewDad
 
  1  
Reply Thu 24 Jan, 2008 09:49 am
That was just barley a joke.
0 Replies
 
 

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