My mother-in-law is near death! I have a question!

I'm so sorry Frank!

So sorry to hear about your MIL, Frank.

My mom was 97, suffering from Alzheimers' and had kidney failure. She had gone into kidney failure in the past, and the doctor had given her something which straightened things out, for the time being.

At the end she was under the care of Hospice, and lived in an assisted living facility. When she fell, yet again, they took her to the Hospice House. I visited her that night, and she was deeply sedated. The doctor had called me earlier that day, and informed me that my mother only had a few days to live.

The next morning, I received a call that she had died. I scratched my head, thinking that it was all so coincidental. Hey, she was on her way out, and her functioning had deteriorated terribly at the end. I have always wondered though, whether she were "helped along".

My heart is with you and your family, Frank.

(I too have known some wonderful and humane ICU caregivers. They are out there.)

Bless you, Frank. It's difficult enough for relatives to see what's going on, but the medical profession has really dropped the ball on this one. They'd rather see these unnecessary suffering for all rather than do the humane thing and let them die in peace. 91 for crissakes!

Never understood this "law," and never will.

That's the same kind of condition I found my dad in when I flew in from CA to his hospital bed in Boston after yet another fall in the nursing home.

I spent the first couple of days sitting by his side, holding his hands, talking with him, making phone calls and holding the phone to his ear so my brother and sister-in-law in NM could talk to him. We had a family gathering with about 30 aunts, uncles and cousins in his room, we sang to him, and they prayed for him (I'm no longer religious). I got out his wardrobe of colorful shirts and placed them on top of the stark white sheets as if he were wearing them and took pictures of him. I thought the bright colored clothing would make it a little easier for my brother to view the photos because dad was in such poor condition, he was just a skeleton with skin covering the bones. He was in a lot of pain, unable to speak, giving occasional moans and spasms of muscles as he attempted to get comfortable.

The whole time I kept track of his pain medications. About a half hour before the next was due I'd start buzzing for a nurse. It got to the point that they were coming on time on their own. The second or third day it seemed like they were coming more frequently and my dad was slipping deeper into a stupor and he finally let go and found peace without pain.

I was very tempted to just put a pillow over my dad's face to help him, but I was unable to get myself to do it. Luckily, the situation didn't turn into a prolonged one and I didn't have to fight with the temptation again.

I hope you and your family are fortunate to have enough time to say your goodbyes and that your mother-in-law's suffering comes to a quick end, Frank.

It isn't a situation I'd wish on anyone and neither should religion or the government.

The nursing staff he had were wonderfully supportive and it helped that one of the nurses was a good friend of one of my cousins and the family. Many of the nurses were in tears with us. My dad was a popular guy there when he was well. It isn't that they are uncaring cold people, it is that they see so much of it and need to try to protect themselves with a little distance from the emotions so they can keep doing the job.

They walk a fine law between the wants of the patient's family and protecting the patient from "angels of mercy" medical staff who take it upon themselves to randomly put people out of misery.

The regulations are there to protect the patients too.

The country needs to figure out how to make this whole process more humane for the aging population while still protecting patients from those who disagree with their choice, whatever that choice may be.

Frank, I'm so sorry to hear about this. My thoughts are with you and your family.

It was sad to read your bedside observations, Frank. My thoughts go out to you and your wife, and especially your mother in law.

If I understood you correctly, your initial thoughts were toward some legislative remedy. This, IMO, is a mistake. We are nowhere near a mature enough society to rationally discuss this issue. We should be able to, with little effort, imagine what a political football this would instantaneously become.

Not to mention the still-fresh memory of Jack Kevorkian, the poltroon who unwittingly set back the cause of assisted suicide for decades.

Chumly has provided a possible solution--his post is worth revisiting. It is the quiet pleading of a family member who could move a sympathetic doctor to adjust the morphine level ever so slightly to alleviate discomfort of a loved one facing death. I like to think that it happens everyday in all parts of this country, and it occurs with the greatest of dignity.

So sorry to hear this, Frank. I think we treat animals more humanely than we treat our loved ones. She should be able to die with dignity and without pain. I eagerly await legislation to this effect, some how, some way (I don't have all the answers but I have some ideas). In the meantime, {{{hugs to you and yours}}}.

hi , frank !
truly sorry to hear what is happening to your m-i-l !

to add what chumley wrote :
-we made a "living will' some years ago ; the correct name for this instrument is : power of attorney for personal care .
- it directs that "no extraordinary measures" be taken if a recovery is unlikely .
- our family physician has a copy of the instrument - he actually suggested we have it prepared .
- he also told us that a hospital "may" disregard our wishes , but that that would be unlikely .

not of much help at your difficult time , frank , but perhaps worth a thought in general for others .
take care !
hbg

I'm very sorry to hear this, Frank, and I agree that there should be some way to bring proper relief to her pain and discomfort - even if it hastens her passing. I hope she finds peace soon.

My father died from progressive dementia and multiple myeloma. My mother went in minutes from a pulmonary embolism. We were emotionally prepared for my father's death and shocked beyond belief with my mother's. Still, I think my mother's passing was the way to go.

Thoughts to you, Nancy, and your MIL

Wanna say thanks to the new folks who have come to make comments and offer a word of comfort:

Thanks DrewDad, Jespah, Walter, Montana, Phoenix, Squinney, c.i., Btrflynet, Mac, Tycoon, Mame, Hamburger, JPB.

I hope one day soon we will get to the point where an assisted, dignified end can come to all of us.

I will not go though this myself.

I'll throw myself under a tractor trailer first.

Perhaps that is why I have been so upset about it...contemplating my own mortality. So far I have led a terrific life...filled with more happiness and fun than most people ever get to see. I am a very lucky guy. But I've had a few TIA's...and the poop is that having them probably means a major stroke some day.

I just do not want to end up in this deplorable condition I see this fine woman in.

Bad enough the daughters had to see her go from a gregarious, light hearted, good spirited person to an argumentative, sometime zombie during the last two years. Alzheimer's sucks!

Ah well. Tomorrow’s the Super Bowl...and I'm sure we'll be able to get our minds off it for a couple of hours.

I have no advice to give Frank, but you have my sympathy for the situation you and your family, and especially your mother-in-law, find yourselves in. I hope her suffering is mercifully short.

I hope that your mother-inlaw finds peace soon and that you and your family can find comfort in what this woman has brought to your lives. It is truly sad that she has to go through this and sad that you have to endure the pain of watching it.

Sorry for the pain and suffering you and your family are going through, Frank.

I am so sorry that you and your family are having to endure this suffering, Frank. Though I do believe there are reasons for everything happening the way they do, I do have to say I don't always understand them.

I pray you and your family find comfort.

Frank, always the macho man. Throwing yourself under a tractor-trailor is downright messy, and could cause injury to the driver. Besides, would you want your picture smeared all over the supermarket rags?

I would opt for a gentler exit, like some pills, with a bourbon chaser.

Thanks Phoenix. Probably will go the pills route...or the lock yourself in the garage with the motor running thingy.

Too bad it has to be that way.

We should be allowed to select our method of death.

The anesthesias we have these days work great. Doctor tells you, "I'm gonna put you to sleep now"...and before you can say, "Okay"...you are out.

In combination with something that will kill you...it seems humane. We should have it.

Kavorkian had the right idea!

Frank, I lost my mother at age 92, 2/12/08. She was in hospice for 3 months having stroke after stroke. Her mind was good; her body gave out. My father had cancer and died 4/2/99 in hospice. He was given morphine and died within 2 days. It could be the setting she is in. Perhaps your mother- in-law should be in hospice. No heroics; just plain, simple, loving, compassionate care.
The why of it is not just religion. Doctors and nurses take an oath "to do no harm" and to preserve life. Doctors who have sworn the Hippocratic oath or the oath of Maimonides, are morally and ethically bound to preserve life. There is the crux of the matter. When does life begin? When does it end? The debate goes on.

My prayers are with you and your family. I've been through it and I am still grieving.

Hi: I just found this thread, man. SO sorry for Nancy and you. I know what you are going through and it's the worst experience imaginable.

I wish Nancy's mom the deepest, sweetest peace.

Joe(No one's mom is like any other mom ever.)Nation