Happy Birthday, Lord Ellpus!

Belated birthday wishes and many happy returns!

Happy birthday, Ellpus!

You've had a tough year with some very challenging moments but you've come through ... in one bit, even!

Well done & more power to you!

I confidently predict a much more serene time for you, starting now. You deserve it!

Happy Birthday Lord E
Happy Birthday Lord E
Why don't you get naked
And sit on my knee

I read somewhere that you have to pay royalties if you sing Happy Birthday in public, is that true?

x

Happy birthday a little late. Hope you had a grand day and celebrated royally, as befits you.

Hope you had a birthday cake to your liking. Hope you got to make a wish and blow out the candles. Hope your wish comes true.

Lord Ellpus--

Please accept my heartfelt felicitations on your accomplishments to the present and your potential for the future.

Hold your dominion.

Happy Happy Birthday
My Birthday song is short.

Congrats!

Happy birthday. I, er, borrowed this bottle from Sean and Amanda. Please return the empty to them, thanks.

Happy birthday !

How chronometrically blessed are you?

Have a happy

(ppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp, from Screechercat)

To a man who loves trees as much as I do - Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday Lord E !

You crazy old coot.

Happy birthday! <pinches cheek>

I do hope my basket of Breadfruit arrived in time.

Good evening Mr Penberthy......

Mr. Penberthy, good day.

Did my birthday package for Lord Ellpus arrive safely?

Happy birthday, Ellpy!

Thank you Smorgs, for starting this thread, but I must confess that I wanted to "lie low" regarding my birthday, as far as A2K was concerned.

You see, I have a bit of a confession to make.

At or about 11pm (GMT) on Friday 19th Jan, I was suddenly aware of some rather expensive high heeled shoes that were click clacking their way towards the front door.
Thinking that it was our local vicar looking for a quick cheese and pickle sandwich on his way back from The Pig and Whistle, I turned off the living room light and took my place by the curtain in order to have a peek before answering the door.

There was a loud ding dong which made the sleeping hound raise one eyebrow, so I gently drew back the curtain and had a look.

Standing there by my portcullis, was a rather attractive legal looking type of the female variety, holding her briefs in one hand and a rather dishevelled looking cowboy in the other.

"Bloody strange" I thought, as one does when this sort of thing happens.

I walked to the door and shouted "Who's there?"

"It's Dish" a deep, gravelly voice slurred. "I've got team Hamster with me, and we want to take you out for a little celebration drinky poos"

"Dish?" I replied "I don't know anyone called Dish....are you sure you're not one of her Majesty's tax inspectors, trying to con your way in here so you can admire my assets?"

There followed some furious mumbling in a vaguely New Mexican accent, then all went quiet. After a few seconds, a very educated legal type American voice spoke softly through my letter box.
I knew it was an educated voice as all the words she uttered were spelt correctly.

"Ellpy" she whispered, sending a shiver down my spine and my left hand into a trouser pocket to start some involuntary stocktaking of the pleasurable variety....."Ellpy....we're here to give you your A2K prize, and to take you out for a birthday drink"

"Prize?" I replied "What prize? ...and how the devil did you know that it is my birthday in about an hours time?"

"Nawt yuure birthday" came the gravelly voice "Maa birthday...the Dish"

A vague A2K memory flickered through one of my non alcoholically impaired brain cells......it WAS someone's birthday that day. I remembered it because it happened to be a day before mine! Now...who was it?

"DYS!" I shouted, remembering who it was "You must be the Dys!"

I opened the door, whereupon a tall, staggering cowboy in rather expensive high heels took three steps forward and fell like a well lumberjacked redwood, narrowly missing the elephant's foot umbrella stand and landing splat on the newly polished parquet flooring.

A rather foxy female then slinked in, making me move my hand from trouser pocket to moustache, as I find a quick twiddle on both ends usually does the trick when trying to attract the ladies.

"Hi, I'm Jespa......you won the 2006 A2K 'most alluring member'......team Hamster is waiting in the Hummer" she drawled, fiddling with her briefs while trying to shake my hand.

I took the legal files off her, shook her well manicured hand and we set about trying to get Dys upright before he lost his Stetson. I would clear up his drool in the morning.

Grabbing my coat and keys, we half carried the semi unconcious Wyatt Earp to a bloody great monster of a vehicle, parked at the end of the drive. Loud Spanish singing could be heard coming from inside.

Noting the worried look on my face, Jespah touched my arm and said "Don't worry, it's just a troupe of nineteen year old female Costa Rican poledancers we picked up on the way...they're a bit drunk and frisky, but they're quite harmless"

Twiddling furiously on the old moustache and resisiting the urge for a deep pocket delve, I jumped into the back of the van and was immediately set upon by a mob of "Team Hamster" Tshirt wearing nubiles, all trying to ply me with something called Tequila, which turned out to be an alcoholic drink that's a cross between gasoline and a good quality aftershave with a worm in it.

Swigging from a bottle, I was aware of a loud wheelspin as we took off towards town.
Over the roar of the engine, a loud chorus of "Aye aye aye...Caramba!" and other such raucosities could be heard, and although I was certain that I had a bottle of Tequila in each hand, and a young smiling hamster in the other, I was also aware that several furtive trouserial stocktakings took place without my consent, upon my person.

All was a bit of a blur when we arrived at the Pussycat Club, although I DO remember the look on the faces of the regular Members as I was carried aloft to the stage and tied to a vaseline covered pole.

She was called Ingrid, came from Warsaw, and didn't seem to mind at all.

My memory is a blank from that moment on, I'm afraid, apart from one thing that sticks in my memory as clear as day.

At one stage I definitely remember removing my underpants from my head and shouting from the stage at the Team Hamster crew, who were dancing and cheering below......"What about A2K?" I bellowed, "Who the devil is looking after the place?"

A big cheer erupted, and as several Costa Rican girls applied another coating of raspberry flavoured love gel to my withered and exhausted body, a man emerged from the group and shouted back at me...."Don't worry about A2K.........We've shut the place down for the day......I'm sure we won't be missed and, even if we ARE.....WHO CARES?"







I awoke in one of the barns down by my lower meadow.

Ingrid had just about undone all of the knots and was asking if I had some clothes she could put on.
We stumbled through several ditches and a rather large clump of stinging nettles on our way back to the Manor, Ingrid wearing my ripped jacket which didn't quite cover her taut little rump and me wearing a lecherous grin as I followed behind.

The clock on the tower read 11.55pm...exactly 24 hours after I'd been voluntarily kidnapped.

Large American style tyre tracks were deeply etched in the gravel of the driveway, and a note was pinned to the door.

I unfolded the note and fumbled around in my jacket for my spectacles. As Ingrid was still wearing the jacket in question, this search turned out to be rather enjoyable.

Putting on my specs, I read the drunken scrawl............

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"This here note is dated 1/20/2007 (that's American fer 20th January, by the way)

....Fer Chrissakes (hic) don't go tellin' everyone what happened today, as I'm a gonna say that A2K was jus' down fer a while in order to do some repairin'.....signed Elias Mooseblaster (alias Craven).

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Well, I'm sorry Craven, but my English sense of honour and duty forbids me from telling fibs to all my American friends who suffered a total black out of A2K as Team Hamser was photographing me and my poor little body was being extensively lubricated and repeatedly abused.

I have therefore spilt the beans, old boy.




P.S......Same again next year, perchance?

What special magnificence celebrating the eleventy-first birthday of the peculiar and illustrious Lord Ellpus. The party is in full swing.

"Oh your birthday, eh, very nice. An' how'd you afford this party, eh? By exploitin' the average everyday working hobbit... by hangin' on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic an' social differences rampant throughout the 5 shires! If there's ever going to be any progress--"

There's some lovely food laid out over here and look at these pretty silver spoons! Oh... what do you want?!?