Do you think this is true?

... besides, there's something rather obnoxious about changing this fellow (grape) into something that the woman considers a fine wine, suitable only after being stomped into shape. Maybe he likes himself the way he is? And maybe the woman should hang out until a superior grape appears on her horizon?

First, I have to apologize for the missing words and misspelled words in my last post: I worked seven days a week from the Saturday after Thanksgiving until the 22nd -- when my hot water tank broke! -- and was quite tired when I last visited A2K.

Second, Nick, my heart goes out to you. This sort of posting just goes to show how little we really know the people we "talk" to via these threads.

I am reminded of another story of a man losing his fiance. He and his fiance and her parents had gone out together, and, while stopped for a red light, a tree fell on his car, killing her outright. I can not imagine anything more horrible.

Third, Aidan, I think you may be on to something with my friend not wanting to be part of a relationship. I remember her telling me that when her husband courted her, that she was very surprised by his proposal. When I think of some of the couples -- or, at least the woman from the dissolved couples -- that I have known, there is a thread that runs through a good many of the failed marriages, and that oddly enough is that the man really pursued the woman with vigor and persistence while the woman was a little to the lukewarm side. Once they were married, the women all worked diligently on the relationships while the men seemed to easily tire. I actually feel that the men liked the pursuit and not the day-to-day of being together.

As for this friend, she is quite independent and something of a social worker, if you catch my drift. If you invite her to a pot luck dinner party, she will bring tons of food, particulary food that offers the sort of nutrient she feels the host/hostess lacks in life. She is always giving things to people although she is the first person I ever knew to "regift," as she gives away every thing she receives. It's almost like she is addicted to generosity.

That other reply was a tad long and I wanted to keep this note separate. I think that people often marry someone because they let what should have been a short relationship -- say, a three month stint -- run too long and then feel something of an obligation to the person.

I taught Edith Wharton's telling novella, "Ethan Frome," to a group of tenth grade honor students who complained that the book was out-of-date. I asked if they could tell me in one sentence what it was about and they said about a man who married a woman for the wrong reason. I asked them if they knew about people who married others for the wrong reason and they said that yes, they did.

Ethan married his wife because she had helped nurse his mother through her final illness and he felt obligated to her. In my last post, I noted that I know several women who married men who wanted them more than they wanted the guys. These women did not feel they weren't good enough for the man of their dreams. Like Ethan, they felt an obligation of a sort to these men who seemed head over heels in love with them. Believe me, the women all worked like crazy to maintain the relationships once they made the promise (committment) to marry, while the men coasted through life without tossing any crumbs to their wives. Eventually, the wives grew tired of beating their heads against the wall while the men just went off to pursue other will-o-the-wisps . . . women who were, in turn, surprised by the intensity of the chase.

ebrown -- I am not certain that there is an underlying assumption of a one-person for another but there are people who fit better than others. I do know of a woman who met the man to whom she is now married (and who is several years her junior) after her first marriage dissolved. They had an affair at the time but she decided that as a woman with one failed marriage and a child, she was too much responsibility for a man still in his 20s and that she liked him too much to have a year or two affair. She broke off the relationship.

Several years later, after he had married and divorced and she had married and divorced a second time, they somehow got together again. (Actually, I think they remained friends and occasionally talked, but, it has been a long time since I talked to her and I am fuzzy on their details.) Anyway, they re-united and are happy. She feels some couples have a time and place and that they are in their time and place.

I was given a self-help book just prior to meeting my husband the premise of which was if you don't find what you want, it is probably because you are hazy in your own definition of said desires. The author advised people who want something to make a list and meditate on that list. I did and I think I ended up making my husband conform to my list to a greater degree then he did. It was a mental trick. I think some people play this trick on themselves.

Right now, I am single and have been for more than five years. For a time, I was lonely but, frankly, I am not up for the sort of give and take most relationships are. Mine have been me giving and him taking.

I am very sorry for your loss. I don't know what else to say.