Attack of the Frankenbunnies

Attack of the Frankenbunnies

by PITT DICKEY
Up & Coming Weekly, October 11-17

Just when you thought it was safe to hide Easter Eggs, here comes the rough beast of the Frankenbunny, slouching out of England waiting to be born. Like jazz musicians riffing on the cholesterol chocked breakfast favorite, scrambled eggs, teams of British scientists have applied to the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority in jolly old England for a license to mix up a batch of human and bunny eggs to create the Frankenbunny. Apparently you must have a license to poach human and bunny eggs. Rabbit lovers all over the world will be up in arms protesting the pollution of sweet little bunny ova with the evil characteristics of human eggs.

The British scientists' plan calls for making something called a "chimeric" embryo which will be 99.9% human and one tenth of one percent bunny. What a great term, "chimeric" embryos. It's your word for the day. Memorize it, use it in a conversation at least twice this week to dazzle your friends and kitchen appliances. Once created, the chimeric Frankenbunny embryos will be used for stem cell research into such nasty customers as Alzheimer's, diabetes and rabbit fever. The reason for growing the mutant human and bunny egg into Frankenbunnies is to avoid religious objections to experimentation on human embryos by giving human eggs a dose of the old Peter Cottontail. Ivory Soap used to advertise itself as being 99.9% pure. Maybe the other tenth of a per cent of Ivory was bunny eggs.

Only a lout could object to such a noble cause as creating Frankenbunnies for medical research. The scientists plan on healing the sick, making money for big Pharmacy and splicing human and bunny eggs into something the Good Lord Himself had never considered creating. It's the Royal Trifecta of altruism, money and religion. It might even spawn a series of DVDs for you to purchase from late night TV, "Frankenbunnies Gone Wild, " "Spring Break for Frankenbunnies", and "Frankenbunny Eggs Benedict."

There may be some flies on the Frankenbunnies which will have to be swatted. Hugh Hefner could object. Hugh combined young adult human females with bunny costumes back in the 1950's and created the Playboy Bunny. Hugh might have a copyright infringement claim against the Frankenbunny creators. The South Koreans have been experimenting with human egg goo and stem cell research for years. The Frankenbunny might get a threatening letter from a Korea patent attorney. It is unclear which bunny features will be evident on the Rabbit People. They will certainly be able to hop better than your average overweight American. Bugs Bunny might very well be a Frankenbunny himself. Bugs has attitude and a Bronx accent which are the hallmarks of the Frankenbunny.

Sometimes it's not nice to mess with Mother Nature. Mommy Nature can spank. Creation of chimeric embryos can lead you to places in the dark where fate can take an unpleasant turn. You don't know what twisted Br'er Rabbit might hop out of the briar patch. Apparently the Korean scientists have been making scrambled human eggs for quite a while. A number of examples of their cell mixing handiwork can be seen in every day life. Former Congresspersondude Mark Foley, (R- Florida) is probably the result of South Korean scientists combining the egg cells of a human and a donkey resulting in a complete ass. Paris Hilton is the result of combining human eggs with frozen waffles. Superthin Supermodels who are currently appearing everywhere in the media are the devil's spawn resulting from combining human eggs, soda straws, makeup and hair spray. Anna Nicole Smith is the result of a supersized combo platter of human eggs with silicone, greed and Oreos. Tom Cruise is the result of human eggs scrambled with hype and Scientology. The UNC Tar Heel football team is result of combining human eggs with frustration and ineptitude.

Ask not for whom the Frankenbunny hops down the bunny trail. The Frankenbunny hops for thee.