How much?

Hephzibah--

If life were completely unfair, you would not have had the chance to know your father.

Hold your dominion.

May you find those things and people that console you in this time, Heph - hang in there...

PM

Re: How much?


Hey, heph.

I know it seems like life is piling on, and it is. But, as hardass as this might sound, this one isn't about you - this isn't a battle you can fight. Now is the time for you to be the support mechanism. Hold his hand, give him a hug, be with him as best you can and, as hard as that is, know that you were there for him when he needed you.


{{{{Heph}}}}

I talked to him. He said he has been diagnosed as "level four"? I don't know what that means really but he said that's pretty bad. The cancer is on his upper right lung and has spread through-out his chest cavity and to his adrenal gland. How bad is this? Does anyone know?

I'm leaving for MI tomorrow. I don't know how long I'm going to stay. I might be there for a while. I'm sorry for flipping out like that. I'm sorry for being so selfish sometimes. Thanks for your support and kind words. I do appreciate you guys.

Heph, level four refers to the staging of the disease on a scale of 1 to 4 with level 4 indicating that the cancer has spread to at least one other organ.

http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/Detection/staging

Forgive me for being blunt... Your father is right, it means that things are pretty bad and if his doctor is recommending against treatment, then I would go with that recommendation. I have personally seen cases where the family pushes a patient to undergo extensive and invasive treatments because they are holding out hope for a miracle, but the prognosis for a cure from stage IV disease is not very good.

I'm glad you are able to travel to MI to be with him. I hope you are not the only one on hand to support your father and that you have other family/friends available to help you and support you. I'm sure the shock of the news has floored you. Sometimes I've been able to get through some very difficult times by putting on my clinical hat rather than my emotional one. Life sucks sometimes and this is one of those times.

Take care and stay in touch as best you can.

Yes, it is at times like this that you wonder a lot. But sometimes thinking about and caring about someone else strengthens you and take the focus away from yourself and thus let the body heal itself. We are social beings. Things will workout as you and your brother get closer. Pray if it helps as I am not religious but I have nothing against people we pray.

I wish I knew how to write good words of comfort. I know what you are going through and you have all my support and best wishes.

JB. Thanks for giving me that link and explaining a little bit. It has helped to kind of understand what is happening.

Talk, you are right. It does help to look at someone elses needs first. I know my dad needs me to be strong with him right now. Not fall apart because he could die. I love him. No matter how much time I have left with him, I want to do my best to enjoy the time we have left. I am sure this will draw my brother and I closer as well. It will be good to be up close to both of them.

Edgar, No need for regret because of what you could not write. Saying "I understand" means so much more than you know. Thank you so much.

And the Sh** gets a little deeper:

My mom called this morning to see how I was doing and if I had found any jobs to apply to in the paper yesterday. I told her I wasn't up to looking yesterday because of finding out about my dad. I got that silence in return. You know... that... "Oh give me a break" silence. I could tell she wasn't happy. Anyway, I told her I wanted to go up to MI to visit him. She was like, "Ok. Whatever." Fine. I can deal with that response. She couldn't leave it at that.

She called back a little while later to tell me that she thought I should wait to go up to MI at least until they get home from their trip. If not to reconsider going at all because I'm broke and have no job. She was like, "Gee honey, he's not going to die in the next two days." Oh my friggin God. If she was the one that had just been diagnosed and I lived somewhere else and said, "Gee mom, it's not like you are going to die tomorrow. I can't afford to come right now. Do you think you can hang on for a little while until I get a job?" she'd probably die on the spot. No joke.

I am so incredibly angry right now. Funny thing is, just the other day I was talking to them on the phone and they said, "Gee honey, we don't want you to settle for just any job for the sake of having a job. We want you to take your time and find a job you are going to like. So if it takes you a while don't worry about it. We'll pay your bills for you for a couple of months until you can get on your feet again." Then today she turns around and says, "But honey, if you go up there it's going to put off you getting a job and you've got get a job soon to be able to pay your bills."

Is it just me or does that sound a bit conditional? "We'll help you if you stay. If you go you are on your own." Yeah. That's my parents. The very same people that if the tables were turned I would spend every last dime I had to come and be with them and support them. Show them how much I love them. And you know, THAT would be ok, but this isn't. Maybe I shouldn't have come back here. Maybe this was a mistake. "We'll help you if you do it our way." That's such bull sh**. DAMN. And what the hell am I suppose to do? Who's more important? My dad? My parents? My bills? Not even an ounce of sympathy for him or how he might be feeling right now. Screw my parents. I don't friggin need them. I think I'd rather live in my truck than live with someone who's going put conditions on their love and help.

I'm sorry I'm forever dumping on you guys. I'm sure it's getting old by now. Sometimes I feel like this is all I've got left right now. The only thing that's at least somewhat stable and not going anywhere or subject to change any time soon in my life. I guess I could just stop where I'm at and let it be though. It's not like I can change any of this or that even talking about it will change it. No matter what I choose someone's going to be hurt. Thanks for lending me your ear for a while about this.

I'm not completely clear on all the details, but if your mother and her husband are paying your bills, or will soon have to, and you are on the verge of taking an expensive trip, I can easily see your mother's point. She could've chosen her words alot better, but the bottom line is the bottom line.

In effect, if she is--or will be--assisting you financially, she will be footing the bill for your trip. I can imagine how that may feel to her--if your father's absence from your life until recently felt to her as it would to most abandoned mothers.

In the face of all kinds of emotional or urgent situations--when we have our hands out to other people, they are entitled to primary consideration when we are deciding to spend money. If we aren't willing to consider them first, we need to become self-sufficient.

I think getting a job should be your first priority--and if it's not, you should figure out why its not.

It appears that you are passive-aggressively post-poning independence.

My opinion, anyway.

That's interesting lash. And something I'm willing to consider. However, the thing I failed to mention here is that my dad is paying for the entire trip there and back by his own offer because he wants me to come. Sorry, it's easy to leave stuff out when you post in a huff like I do sometimes. *sigh* But you know, it's not even about him paying for it. If I had to spend my last dime getting up there and back to be able to show him how much I love him I'd do it. I'd do it for my mom and step-dad too. Because I love them. All of them. I can get an job any time. I can pay my bills a little later than planned. You don't always get a second chance to say goodbye.

I do understand my mom's position. Honestly I do. However, I never asked for their help in the first place. I'm more than willing to go to a temp agency to work or even walmart. I don't want to not work. I don't want to live here forever, and believe me when I say that if I had the power within my hands to be moved out tomorrow, I would. Not because I don't love my parents or appreciate their help, but because not having that independence is driving me friggin nuts some days.

One of the reasons I delayed moving here in the first place was because I didn't want to lose my independance. It is very hard for me to accept help from others in some ways, and you will never find me asking for hand outs from anyone. I just don't do that. The cost is too high, and people generally put conditions on it in some way, shape or form. Which is their right as it is their money, and it is my right to refuse as well. Or not even ask, which is my general route. If someone offers me help I'll take it... eventually... if there seems to be no other options. I only came here because they offered and offered and offered and I realized that they were right, if I stayed I was screwed.

But guess what? I'm just as screwed right now as I would have been if I would have stayed up there. Maybe more so. Now I have become dependant on my parents to live, to eat, and to have a bed to sleep in. I hate it with every ounce of my being. I hate it. That's how my mom and I got in that conversation in the first place about them helping me. Because I told her, "Ahhh well, there's always walmart. I could live with that. A job is a job. Maybe it won't be my dream job. But sitting here doing nothing but waiting and hoping to "hear from my dream job" is not helping either. I think I screwed myself at this point with that last job and how I left. So maybe it would be best for me to just take a job and work it for a good amount of time to re-establish my work history since I blew it on that one." She said, "OH." Let me go, and then called me back later and made that offer.

I guess what concerns me most about all of this is... ok, my dad is dying. No one knows if it will be three months or even three years. I have the opportunity to go right now and see him possibly for the last time and at least say goodbye. No it's not convenient. Yes, I need to get a job so I can pay my bills and that is a definite priority. However, if I stay here, get a job, and as is normal don't get any vacation for a year and my father dies in four months I never had the chance to say goodbye. I wasn't willing to come see him when he wanted me to because it was too inconvenient at the time and I had to get a job, you know. I wasn't there to at least offer my support in his time of need. Can you imagine having the opportunity to say goodbye to someone before they died and not taking it? (no sarcasm intended)

That is why getting a job is not my first priority. Maybe some people see that as being selfish or ignorant on my part. But maybe... just maybe... it's actually putting someone elses need above my own for once. He's dying. He doesn't have a lot people in this world. I am one of the few he does have and it was a hell of a battle for him to get me as one. My bills will still be here when I get home. There will still be jobs at walmart when I get back. But my dad? He may not be there when I am able to get my life together enough to go. It's two weeks of my life taken to go see someone I love. To show them how much I love them possibly one last time before they die. So that if god forbid something happens and I can't be there when they do die, there's at least no doubt in their mind that I loved them and was willing to set aside what I needed or wanted to show them that. To be there for them when they needed me.

If that's a crime. Then sue I guess. Because I honestly don't think I could live with myself knowing that I had the opportunity to say goodbye and I didn't take it because I had other priorities at the time. Please know that there was no sarcasm intended in the saying of any of this. I'm just hurt. I'm frustrated. I can't have both. I have to choose and you know, with or without my parents help, I'll make it. Because I always do. It might suck for a while if that's what it comes down to. But at least I will know that I did what I believed was right. So I guess I have made my decision. I am going. I will wait for my parents to get home in two days. I will sit them both down and ask them to please set aside their feelings for him for a moment and put themselves in my shoes to try and to understand.

If they choose not to help me when I get back. Fine. I'll find a way. Somehow. Sure I'll be a little hurt, but life goes on and I won't blame them since I didn't ask for their help in the first place. Because to me love means more than money ever will. As much as I won't cast aside my relationship with my father because money is an obstacle at this point. I won't cast away my relationship with them either. They have to do what they feel is right. I'll respect that even if I don't agree. If they feel I'm being irresponsible, well... they have that right. And maybe I am. But I don't care because money doesn't buy relationship. Money doesn't buy back love. Money doesn't buy second chances to show someone you love them and say goodbye.

I guess your mother and father divorced some time ago and there are still hard feelings on your mother's side. I would go to seeyourdad after all your father is going to die. Do the right thing! Say to your mother: "My father is dying, how can you deny me this last visit. You will be free of him. Please, don't hold that grudge against him this last time - for my sake. I love you very much Mom and I love my dad too." Look into her eyes with kindness and hurt.

You are right talk they divorced when I was two. I don't remember anything really. All I know is what my mom has told me. And that is she was so angry because she wanted to move from MI to SC where my grandparents were and he wouldn't let her. She took it as him just being a jerk and making her life hard. Maybe he was. I can't say for sure. But I honestly feel that it was probably more because he was afraid if she took us out of state he would never see us again. That's the only thing my mom has ever told me about their relationship.

I don't blame her for being angry and hurt. I know it was hard for her to raise three kids on her own. It was hard for us too, you know? We felt the impact of her never being home. Of being put at babysitters who physically abused us. Of never eating anything besides bologna, mac-n-cheese, tacos, or lachoy. No one really understands the impact all of that can have on a child. On their view of the world. On how they treat others. Unless of course they've been through it. I wrote a song about it once. Called Broken Heart. My mom went through my stuff and found it and read it when I was 26. As hard as that was, because I know she saw for the first time how I really felt growing up, it brought healing into our relationship because for the first time we were able to talk about things we had never talked about.

That song took me two and half hours to write because I was crying so hard while I was writing that my vision was completely blurred and my heart felt like it was breaking into a million pieces. I'd like to share it. I hope you all don't mind. I wrote it shortly after getting saved. I think that's important to mention because this is one of those things I've talked about occasionally that impacted me so deeply that it is hard for me to deny the existence of God. I hope that posting this can maybe someday help someone else somehow. The way it helped me and my mom. So anyway, here it is:

Broken heart

Vs 1
A little girl listens quietly
As her mommy begins to say
Daddy never loved you
And he had to go away

Without a word she ran to hide
With tears of grief in her eyes
She couldn't believe what she had heard
But she knew… mommy would never lie

Chorus 1
Daddy, Daddy, Daddy
Where are you now?
Why couldn't you love me?
What did I do wrong?

Oh Daddy, Daddy
I still need you
I wish that you were here with me
I wish… you loved me too

Vs 2
The years flew by in a blur
Now mommy's never home
Brother and sister are fighting
And she feels so alone

She's always pushed to the side
Without a second thought
No one seems to care to see
Time's passing… she's growing up

Chorus 2
Mommy, Mommy, Mommy
Where are you now?
Are you sure you still love me?
Did I do something wrong?

Oh, Mommy, Mommy
I still need you
I wish that you were here with me
I wish… you loved me too

Vs 3
She's always reaching out for love
Yet inside she is so afraid
She can't accept another's love
Because she knows love betrays

Deep in her heart there is a seed
Hope planted long ago
Someone told her God's reaching out
And He would never… let her go

Chorus 3
Father, Father, Father
Are You really here right now?
Is it true that You love me
Even though I've been so wrong?

Oh Father, Father
I have always needed You
I'm so glad to come into Your arms
I'm so glad… Your love is true

Final
Daughter, Daughter, Daughter
I have always loved you
My hand was even upon you
In your mothers womb

Oh Daughter, Daughter
I have waited all these years
For you to come into My arms
So I could wipe away your tears

So maybe to some that is all a fantasy of mine. Something worthless and void. But you know to me believing that is the one thing that pulled me through many dark years of life. That gave me the hope to pursue a relationship with my father. To believe that relationships can be healed no matter how damaged they are. For that I will always be grateful. Because now instead of him dying as someone I never knew, I have found peace in knowing he always loved me. I will find peace in being given the opportunity to say goodbye to someone I may not have otherwise had the opportunity to know and love.

Yes, I read the biography of Audrey Hepburn and she too missed her father. At 9 or 10 she never saw her father again then the War (WWII) began. It was only in the seventies or eighties that she met her father again. He told her that since he was a black shirt member his presence would hurt her career.

((Heph))

I understand. Really, I do. I was in this situation with my stepfather, except I was working 2 jobs at the time. The battle was: how much do I sacrifice on work to be with him, what do i do?
Well, I kept going to work, and made frequent trips back n' forth to the hospital for those few months. It was hard.
But, when I'd go to see him and he was still lucid, he would always ask "did you go to work?! I don't want you giving up your life for me. I've had a good life, you're still young."

****. I'm getting teary. That man was a good one.

And, well, we had a rocky relationship for a long time, and it took me a long time to appreciate him. But I wouldn't have given up that time for anything, and I wanted to be there by his side.

Heph, you do what you have to do. I'll be thinking of you.

And I have a bit of an idea: why not fill out a bunch of applications and make the trip to see your dad?
You can do both. It could work out well - you'll have undivided time with your dad, and job offers in the air when you get back.
A job can be a strange comfort after and during such rough times.

Please take care. The strength will come as it is needed. Of that I am 100% sure.

Thank you flushd. I wish I was close enough to do what you did. Though I am still putting out resume's and such. Searching the ads in the paper. The average call back time around here seems to be 2-3 weeks anyway. So I doubt I'll miss much while I'm gone. I see the value in what you are saying about having a job. Keeping busy in a time like this. I think that will be important when I return. Thank you for the words of encouragement.

Yes, the fact that your father is paying for the trip makes all the difference. I don't see how your parents can object, if you get busy finding a job as soon as you return.

This happened to me, as well. I had to "put my hand out" to my mother when I separated from my husband. It was completely out of character for me, as well. I was highly aware of even the change in her heating bill due to the hot water consumed for baths for my children and I--and so was she. The first Monday morning I woke up in her house, I dusted off my resume, dressed for work and left at eight am, returned at four or so. I set appointments, followed up on appointments and applications, filled out applications and interviewed non-stop for three weeks, had a job in a month --not a crap job--though if I hadn't gotten a good job, I was considering settling for a crap job just to bring money into the home to defray her sacrifice, while I waited on something better to result from my applications.

This isn't a story about how great I think I am, though it may seem like it--but that how you spend your time shows how serious you are about pulling your weight, when you find yourself in a position like you are in now--and I was.

When my father was dying, I did like flushd--and drove five hours after work, passed out at their house and was with him on the weekends.

Have you been employed since your trip to that farm, where you planned to work? Have you been self-sufficient since that trip? I based my consideration of your situation on my assumption that you haven't worked since then.

The plan was to come back to FL, live with my parents until I could get on my feet then get my own place. I had a job within a week of coming back here. The way I had it figured was if I could make around $11 an hour I could have my bills all paid up inside of three months and then move out. However, I made a mistake and took a job that I knew in my gut during the interview I shouldn't take. I did it because it was doing something I loved and I thought, "Aaaah, it'll be alright. I love working with kids. This is what I want to do. Maybe the new change in management will make the difference in this place so their turn over rate drops down." But my gut told me NO NO NO.

Without getting into all the gory details I'll leave it at this: I had to go. I did not feel the best interest of the children were being served there. I put in my two weeks notice and my last day was two weeks ago. I have been hitting the pavement hard looking for a job since the day I turned in my notice. Non stop putting in applications and resume's everywhere. No one wants me. I can't say I blame them. They look at my resume and see I went from five years in FL, to six months in CT, then two months back here in FL and quit that job. I blew it. There's no two ways about it. So what now? I suck it up, say dang I really screwed up this time, so it's time to stop screwing off, and your only option left might very well be a crap job for a few years while you go to school to get a degree to do what you want to do. *sigh*

I backed myself into this corner. Now, my parents (mom and step-dad) have been with me through this every step of the way. They offered for me to move down here, told me I could stay as long as necessary, and actually were the ones who told me in the first place to quit that job I just quit and find another one. I don't want to take advantage of them. I hope it doesn't seem like I do. I want my life back and it seems like the harder I try here the more I screw it up. I figure somethings got to give eventually right? That something is me. I've played the fool long enough.

I've made bad decision after bad decision that has just kept heaping more and more crap on my own head, and now, as I struggle with disappointment because of my marriage, disappointment because I'm not hirable apparently, disappointment because I've made so many bad decisions that led me to here, I get the dreaded phone call that someone I love is dying. Surprisingly though despite all of that, I have not crumbled. Maybe for a few moments I've broken down and flipped out (like in that first post) but ultimately, I made this mess, I am the only one who can clean it up.

It's going to hard. It's going to be grueling. And yes, I am going to want to give up sometimes, but none the less I have left myself absolutely no other options at this point. I wish it was an option to just drive there when I had time. Unfortunately he lives about 1300 miles from me. It's a tough call to make. There are a couple of pieces of good news to all this though. I had a good talk with my mom and step-dad, we worked out those issues. No, they still aren't going to help me. Yes, that still sucks, but I don't blame them. I don't know if I would help me right now either to be honest. I certainly don't feel I deserve it.

My brother though, the poor fool, feels sorry for me and has offered to give me a job with his company in Chicago. To train me how to do graphic design. What an opportunity. He's offered to let me come live with him and his wife for a month to try it out and see if I would like it. I'm almost positive that I would. I actually think it's quite a good opportunity possibly. Maybe even a light at the end of the tunnel here. *sigh* He's going to be at my fathers this weekend, so I will discuss it more with him then. I might talk all big and bad like, "Oh yeah I'm going to make it. No problem."

But the God's honest truth here is I am scared to death I've done myself in this time. I'm almost afraid to even take my brother up on this offer in case I screw it up once again and close yet another door in my life. What do to... what to do? Well, I'll figure it out. I have to. My main focus right now is going to see my dad. Yes it's putting me back a week on job searching, but honestly, I don't think it's going to make that big a difference because I really think I hung myself here. I've put out no less than 50 resume's and applications in the last month and gotten one phone call. One. And they decided not to hire me because I was not CNA certified.

At any rate. It's time for me to go. I leave in the morning for MI. Lash, I didn't think your story sounded at all like you were talking about how great you think you are. If anything it helped to know I'm not the only one who's struggled on this level. Thank you for sharing. Take care you guys. I'll be back in a week.