WORST OPENING PARAGRAPH.

Someone's been reading up on the Bullwer-Lytton contest....

Almost sounds like something from part of the Hitchhiker's trilogy . . . only much worse, LE. Good job.

Does your bubble gum taste like the sweetness of a butterflys wings?
That is what she said to me during our private time, as I chewed my trident .

There's loads more where that came from.......


Drew's obviously a fan.

My next favourite is.......

"Professor Frobisher couldn't believe he had missed seeing it for so long--it was, after all, right there under his nose--but in all his years of research into the intricate and mysterious ways of the universe, he had never noticed that the freckles on his upper lip, just below and to the left of the nostril, partially hidden until now by a hairy mole he had just removed a week before, exactly matched the pattern of the stars in the Pleides, down to the angry red zit that had just popped up where he and his colleagues had only today discovered an exploding nova."

MARVELLOUS!

The story actually began with the mysterious death of Mrs Fischer, a corpulent lady well within her fiftth decade, who, it was surmised, was pushed out of a twenty story window , and who, shortly later, exploded on the pavement below like a large Tedlar bag full of stewed tomatoes.

Good grief! It's hard enough reading the regular posts without actually trying to MAKE them bad!

My dog sat on the seat next to me in the old truck as I wheeled down the dirt road,all the while he never lost that rhumey look , the look that one sees in movies where the hero is running in slow motion away from an impending explosion, all the while yelling a low RPM scream of NOOOOOOO!, but , in my dog's eyes it only meant that he was about to launch a projectile of vomit composed of the road kill I earlier implored him not to eat.


ARE THESE BAD ENUFF?

Farmerman, you should seriously consider writing a novel. I found your first post quite thrilling, but had to stop reading your second entry, as I was welling up.

Your talent is wasted here on A2K.

I tried my hand at writing Penthouse forum letters , I was a complete failure.

"To begin with Herb wasnt as dead as they had intended to make him, he was instead badly, but not mortally wounded, and was,understandably, quite pissed about it all"

Iwant to try my hand at mytery

Her platinum smile made my dander stand on end. I leered drunkenly as she sauntered to the table and took the beer bottle out of my hand. She took a long swallow, then languidly smiled, swaying to the loud imported music. We danced. The crowd on the floor seemed like a herd of wild buffalo compared to us.

I've travelled far and wide from the place where the spring apple blossoms covered the trees with heavily perfumed snow, but I shall never forget my dear old granny and the words of wisdom that enriched my childhood. I've sown my wild oats and have scars on my heart. Had I listened to my wise old granny I might....

The wind rippled through my shirt as I stroked my beard, chortling to myself because my plaid shirt did not match my flannel pants. I walked quickly to the door, knowing a great new adventure awaited me, and I didn't want to miss it. After all, I was the new CPA at this company, and today was the first day of the rest of my life. This is my story.

I had been waiting for Mary for a long time. It was the kind of a wait that lasted a long time. So long, in fact, that I had grown accustomed to my chair, which wasn't really a cozy kind of chair but more the kind for shorter sits, but in any case I hadn't really noticed it at all because of the anticipation welling up inside of me as I recalled, longingly, our last visit when she was on time. But soon enough Mary arrived, and I could tell she had been drinking, like the cheap whore she was.

General Muhammed Mustafa Il Safarii had the most regal house in the compound of leaders. He was justifiably proud of its Bauhaus style use of stainless steel and reflecting metals against the pink stucco walls. The workmen were busy polishing the stainless as they did every Friday . They didnt know that the small rifle company of marines was "lighting up" the iron walls with a targeting laser. No, they had no idea, but the JDams on the incoming F-22 did.

Killing them with glee the machine gun in Killer Kowalksi's hands roared to life his head thrown back maniacal laughter, bodies falling all around, death hanging heavily in the air and a single Indian high on a cliff stared at the carnage below and behind him a small coyote sniffed a cactus.

It was a day not unlike any other day, except for the invasion from another planet. When I awoke in the morning - as is my wont - I noticed a little bluebird perched upon my window sill, singing a sweet song. Little did it know our planet was about to be invaded by aliens from outer space. In fact, everything seemed normal to me, except of course for the large spaceship hovering over our city. But I digress.

I experienced my first orgasm at about 7 or 8 years of age. It was a total fluke and , when i discovered this wonderful feeling, I pretty much devoted the rest of my life trying to recapture that fleeting yet pleasurable moment. I am A teacher of the Christian Brothers Order, and Ive had many opportunities to relive that moment. However,I honestly didnt mean to cost my Archdiocese so much money in punitive damages. Let me tell you about it...

Tanner lashed the horse right and left with the reins, going down the gulley wash, the plodding hooves splattering mud, his chaps muting the whipping received from a line of low cottonwoods. The laboring horse staggered onto the flat desert beginning and settled into a rythmic galloping. The glint of sun from a flashing object alerted Tanner to the probability he was gaining on El Cu Cu, said fugitive perhaps training a buffalo gun at him right now. He felt the whiz of a bullet by one ear, followed by a report from the rifle. He fell into the sand, dragging the horse on its side and falling behind it. His colts barked at the lone stand of brush across the shimmering landscape.