Are you your own worst enemy?

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I heard that expression before, but never gave it any thought.

It the past few days though, I feel that for the first time I had an understanding of what that means.

Starting on Wednesday, I started getting calls from patients (dialysis) in Houston, Galvaston, Corpus Christie etc. who were evacuating.

Background: Most dialysis patients get treatments 3 times a week, each treatment lasting about 4 hours. They can skip a treatment if they are very careful about their diet, meds, etc. but obviously it is not something they want to do, or encouraged. Now we were in an emergency situation.

I was proud how everyone pulled together to open extra shifts, volunteering to work those shifts, and supply the pts with their medical paperwork etc. to bring with them for treatment.
However, if a clinic has 20 chairs, they can only care for 60 patients within 24 hours. We had availability for somewhere between 100 and 120 patients, and that was REALLY pushing it. Believe me, it was a massive undertaking, and everyone was working together.

Anyway - the callers starting Wed needed to be placed for either Fri or Sat here. The Wednesday callers in the vast majority were prepared, happy for the help, and realized the need to act quickly. The Thursday people were the same, expect getting more demanding, saying "well, I want to go this this particular clinic, and mid afternoon would be best"
Um, you don't have a choice, this is an emergency. Most chairs of course were gone by that time.

By Friday, most callers were disbelieving that there just wasn't a chair open that they could walk in any old time. Of course there was anger, anxiety, the whole nine yards, we did our best to refer out.

Now, these people had been informed back on Wed that they needed to make arrangements, yes, they had a lot to do to leave, but getting your treatment is something that is a priority before anything else, and they definitly know that.

This is my observation:
The later the hour, the more people who called that were uneducated, poor, etc. (most people were calling on cell phones, so yes they had the means to call at any time)
When being informed of the shortage, one could tell the feelings the people had were basically - well, I'm poor and uneducated, so here I am, being taken advantage of again. I can't get any breaks, and it shouldn't be that I can't get the same service that someone who called days ago got.

In life, this happens all the time. People who can prioritize their needs appropriately and prepare get the services and materials they need because of their awareness of being responsible for themselves.

On top of that, they are grateful because they also realize the work others had to put in to provide it.

Others are really their own worst enemy - they, having the same access to a service or material, AND the means to get it, choice not to act on that opportunity. Then, bemoan the fact they cannot receive the same treatment.

I'm not saying life is not harder for segments of society, but how much of this difficulty could be avoided by not throwing up barriers to yourself.

In this case - people were educated in what they needed to do, they KNEW the importance of what they had to do, they had the access to obtain what they needed, in fact, encouraged on every level, and knew time was a critical factor.

Yet, the choice was made by so many to wait until the 11th hour, and then feel they are treated unfairly.

For instance . . . I hear so often on the news how people have to be "educated" about food choices and excercise to avoid obesity. Enough already, everyone by this time has had that information provided to them, they are choosing not to use it.
If a person can figure out on their own how an iPOD works, they can certainly figure out with all the "education" out there that carrots are a better choice than pork rinds.

It's just so much easier to blame someone for your lack of planning, than to take accountability for yourself.

My husband says remember the 6 P's.....

Proper planning pervents piss poor performance.

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Perhaps society has inadvertantly promoted the creation of a group of people who do not tend to take responsibility for their own bad fortune.

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Why do you say it's inadvertant.

I have an idea why, but would like to hear your views.

Random thought here....people who begrudge those who in their eyes "have something" but don't see the work that went out to "get something" are certainly not being encouraged by the TV industry.

I've seen commercials for reality shows that portry people who have many material things, but behave in their beautiful homes as if they are crack smoking illiterates.

So, if you've never or rarely experienced the REAL reality of how people who worked and planned for a little success take very good care of their things and tend to engage in more hi-brow entertainment than belching contests.

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I would like to know how you could tell over the phone which of them were poor and uneducated.

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They were the ones telling me they were going to stay in a shelter since they had no money for a hotel.

They were the ones who were asking where they could pick up free canned food.

They were the ones who had no insurance, including no medicaid.

They were the ones who although only spoke English, could barely be understood, not because of any particular accent, but because they didn't understand basic sentence structure.

They were the ones who did not remember the name of a place they had been going to 3 times a week for the past 5 years, either by name, address, facilitator name, social worker or nurse.

They were the ones that, were asked to write down the information of where they could go, did not when asked after 5 minutes of information given, indeed write it down.
When asked to write it down, there would be silence, after a minute or two, I'd say "hello", the answer "yeah" - Okay, are you ready to write this down.
"No - I don't have a pencil"
"well, can you get one"
"yeah"
time passes <tap, tap, tap> 10 other lines ringing, must handle this one.
"yeah"
"ok, ready..."
"I don't have any paper "
and so forth.

I could go on for quite a while if you like.....

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Chai Tea wrote:

Why do you say it's inadvertant.

I have an idea why, but would like to hear your views.

Random thought here....people who begrudge those who in their eyes "have something" but don't see the work that went out to "get something" are certainly not being encouraged by the TV industry.

I've seen commercials for reality shows that portry people who have many material things, but behave in their beautiful homes as if they are crack smoking illiterates.

So, if you've never or rarely experienced the REAL reality of how people who worked and planned for a little success take very good care of their things and tend to engage in more hi-brow entertainment than belching contests.

When I said inadvertant, I was being polite. It may not be. Society seems to give people the illusion of entitlement to an equality of results. All I think they are entitled to is an equality of opportunity. This tends to create a lot of people who whine when their own poor planning and self-indulgence leads to bad consequences. This is a very good thread subject, Chai.

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No need to. I get it.

Now I will think about your question and come back later with the most mind-blowingly accurate and profound answer that you've ever heard.

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Brandon9000 wrote:

Chai Tea wrote:
Why do you say it's inadvertant.

I have an idea why, but would like to hear your views.

Random thought here....people who begrudge those who in their eyes "have something" but don't see the work that went out to "get something" are certainly not being encouraged by the TV industry.

I've seen commercials for reality shows that portry people who have many material things, but behave in their beautiful homes as if they are crack smoking illiterates.

So, if you've never or rarely experienced the REAL reality of how people who worked and planned for a little success take very good care of their things and tend to engage in more hi-brow entertainment than belching contests.

When I said inadvertant, I was being polite. It may not be. Society seems to give people the illusion of entitlement to an equality of results. All I think they are entitled to is an equality of opportunity. This tends to create a lot of people who whine when their own poor planning and self-indulgence leads to bad consequences. This is a very good thread subject, Chai.

Thank you....

You know, I understand that when a dog has been treated badly since birth, when someone tries to show you kindness, that dog will literally bite the hand that feeds them.

Yes, the animal may eventually learn at least some sort of trust in the mistreatment stops and its shown consistant kindness.

However, humans, although an animal, are a high form of animal that can see cause and effect.
I'm not talking about just the poor, or uneducated, but anyone who is in a situation and feels that others are in some type of cospiracy to keep them there.

There comes a point where encouraging someone to think for themselves, and be the master of their own destiny, becomes mollycoddling.
I'm in my office right now, in case someone calls in needing directions, or whatever. Have taken a few calls.

This was the last one. A woman called to tell me she was supposed to bring her husband here, but instead they ended up in corpus (never mind she didn't tell us of her change of plans, allowing another human being to get a treatment) She had a question for me......How will I know when to go home?
Uhhhhh, when the news reports you can?
She was upset that I didn't know when she could go back to her house.

Yes, I am Chai Tea, knower of the storm path.

When does it stop being assisting and turn into mollycoddling?

Are we coming into a generation of passive aggressive dolts?

<whining> nooooooo, you have to TELL me what to doooooooo. I caaaaaaaaaan't.

I like that word....mollycoddle....I will use every opportunity to work that into a conversation today.

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Just a thought. Isn't most religious belief all about putting your fate in god's hands? That sounds a lot like a victim mentality to me.

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yeah, you're right.....

hey kicky, I was talking to an old friend yesterday and was laughing about something his nonni would say when if you would ask her if she had enough room, like if she was in your car or something.

she'd always reply....I hope I have this much room in heaven.

she had a million of 'em, all delivered deadpan.

did your nonni say stuff like that?

she probably said things like this to you....

geddadahere before I hafta straighten your ass out too!

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The Culture of Poverty is a rather dismal place.

For the hard core poor the world is divided into "us" and "them".

"Them" are authority figures--interchangable authority figures. People who schedule dialysis treatments are people who set gas prices are people who "know" what's going on and when the flood waters will abate.

"Us" are the poor, the downtrodden, the people who never get all the goodies they deserve.

Totally missing in the Culture of Poverty is the notion that hard work pays off--that you can become part of the system and use the system.

Black kids who work in school are accused of "trying to be white".

Middle class manners--"please" and "thank-you" and "excuse me" are seen as signs of weakness.

Believing that every man's hand is against the poor is part of the self-image of the poor. The Culture of Poverty doesn't come with electric-eye exit doors. If you don't know the codes, you're trapped.

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Yes indeed. All true.

I wonder about the motivation of those who do make it out of that culture.

AND, more importantly, I know those who are quite badly off, but still carry their dignity.

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Escaping from the Culture of Poverty probably explains Clarence Thomas.

I can see the temptation to refuse to look back.

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kickycan wrote:

Just a thought. Isn't most religious belief all about putting your fate in god's hands? That sounds a lot like a victim mentality to me.

It can. But around here, it's balanced with good ol' American theology:
"God helps those who help themselves."

You're right, Chai Tea. But I wouldn't have called them "uneducated." I would have said "stupid." I've known plenty of uneducated people who were capable of taking care of themselves. These stories sound more like people who have no common sense. Not securing dialysis appointments?!...WTF!!!

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I am fairly put off by concepts of them, even as constructs like Culture of Poverty, which makes some sense, but has ragged edges.
Yes, I've read Oscar Lewis, and liked what I read at the time.

People don't come in packages and some lives really are traps.

Smugness abounds in those who climbed out, from my observation. Many who didn't climb out have worked well as hard or harder than some who did or were born not worrying about it.

I am very chary of blanket blankets.

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Good Morning!

Eva and Osso - in regards to you last two post

I was actually just being my version of polite by saying uneducated. I am right with you Eva.

Osso - yes, life is definatley a trap for some, at one point in life I had a very small taste of what it must be like.
Just getting the basics done, like laundry, is a major undertaking.

However, whoever you are, you can think, you can plan, even if it's for 2 next from now.
Letting someone else take that burden for you is a cop out.

Fatalism is a part of many cultures, "there's nothing I can do, it's in the hands of God" is the attitude.
That an excuse, and a damn bad one, for not even making an attempt, even if it's a feeble one.

I'd respect even a feeble attempt to help yourself, if it's the best you can do, than giving up entirely.

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Chai tea, I can understand your exasperation with people who can't seem to help themselves, even when it comes to saving their own lives. Still, there are so many who's lives don't seem to count enough to them to try the smallest things.

People who grew up part of generations of welfare, drugs and poverty cannot be bundled into the same box as those who are simply irresponsible. Their lives are beyond our ability to comprehend. Many of us have had a taste, but not with both parents in jail or a mother who pimps her little girl out for drug money. There is no name for lives like that other than Hell.

My rant comes from personal contact with the homeless. Whenever I would come home from volunteering at a homeless shelter, I was reeling with the enormity of the problem and the tragic results.

An appropriate example is when a little boy at the shelter was told to go find something to eat in the kitchen, he headed dirctly to the garbage can. He didn't know about refrigerators or cupboards filled with food. His mother was upstairs stoned and wouldn't let him in. Is she immoral or irresponsible? Of course, but she cannot be judged on the same level as most people. It keeps going on and on and most of us 'forget' and go on about our lives.

End of rant.

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Diane wrote:

Chai tea, I can understand your exasperation with people who can't seem to help themselves, even when it comes to saving their own lives. Still, there are so many who's lives don't seem to count enough to them to try the smallest things.

People who grew up part of generations of welfare, drugs and poverty cannot be bundled into the same box as those who are simply irresponsible. Their lives are beyond our ability to comprehend. Many of us have had a taste, but not with both parents in jail or a mother who pimps her little girl out for drug money. There is no name for lives like that other than Hell.

My rant comes from personal contact with the homeless. Whenever I would come home from volunteering at a homeless shelter, I was reeling with the enormity of the problem and the tragic results.

An appropriate example is when a little boy at the shelter was told to go find something to eat in the kitchen, he headed dirctly to the garbage can. He didn't know about refrigerators or cupboards filled with food. His mother was upstairs stoned and wouldn't let him in. Is she immoral or irresponsible? Of course, but she cannot be judged on the same level as most people. It keeps going on and on and most of us 'forget' and go on about our lives.

End of rant.

I see your points, however, that's not quite the level the people I'm speaking of have sunk to......

These people have families, usually the dtrs, sons, grandkids were the ones doing the calling. They were all together. You would think that someone in a group of 5 to 10 people with half a dozen cell phones among them would have thought at one point to make a call.

These are also people who get continuous medical care, their conditions are monitored on a daily basis, are provided with CONSTANT medical and social services support, and yet, cannot think through a simple act of making a phone call.

Of course each situation needs to be evaluated individually, that should go without saying.

But that expression, "the buck stops here"?
Everyone gets their turn, and not rely on the idea that someone is going to rescue you. These are people who are passive agressive, who feign helplessness when they can get away with it.

Part of the reason they insist of letting others make their decesions for them is so if things do go awry, they have someone to blame.

I understand that if you have never been exposed, it's hard. However, I will not say it's impossible.

As was stated early on in this thread in so many words....We have become so PC that we are indeed enabling those who CAN make a difference in their lives see that they don't HAVE to, they can let others pitch in when there's a crisis, and cry about how they don't have the "skill sets" to make their life work.

Like Bella (I think) said, God helps those that help themselves.

If I see someone who is making a small effort, even if they are failing, at least they are trying, I'd help them all the way.

If someone came at someone who "can't help themselves" with a knife, they wouldn't sit passively. They might have to get cut to wake them up, but they they will fight with all their might for this life that "didn't seem to count"
That's survival instinct. In some cases, some people need LESS help than their getting, to get the wake up call.

This isn't intended in any way as a blanket statement to cover all humans,
but dammit, I'm tired of others lumping those that won't help themselves and don't realize they are hindering themselves onto the other side of the scales.

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Some people just plain have more Get Up and Go than other people.

I know dozens of women than no matter how exasperating a day they had, they'd stay up an extra 15-30 minutes to wash dishes so they would wake up to a clear sink and a clean kitchen.

I'm not one of them.

Mr. Noddy has a number of serious medical conditions: diabetes, heart, kidneys, back problems....

The one bit of sure and certain control he has over all of these medical conditions is when he chooses to carry out the doctor's advice. He'll postpone renewing perscriptions and getting blood work done and taking in urine samples, sorting out billing errors and doing his exercises and all the other Responsible Patient Duties. Why? Because postponing action is the only power he has.

Maddening.

Personally, I frequently wake up to a messy kitchen, but my medical tests and paperwork are all up to date.

Those family members with cell phones may have been nagging Mama for a week for permission to set her up local medical treatment. With her life in shreds, Mama was hanging on to her ability to make choices--even stupid choices.

Stupid? Yes. Just remember, Stupid comes in 48 flavors.

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Noddy, it isn't only the ones living in deepest poverty. like your husband, there are well educated people who continue smoking after having a heart attack or continue with other, unhealthful habits. Yep, that's stupid.

Chai tea, exactly, lumping people in under the same label is to remain ignorant. And yes, I too have dealt with people like that and have been as indignant as you understandably are.

I think Noddy is right when saying that sometimes the only power available is delaying others or doing something else that is purposely irritating. I'm not defending all those who are either stupid or insane from living in poverty--I just had to bring up the desparate side of poverty or the street people who refuse to go to shelters even when it is freezing out side, because that is what I am familiar with.

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