National Stottie week, how are you celebrating?

Noo aa’ve just cum ower the neet from Kingdom Haal I Gatesheed t tell ye aal aboot Moses an the Children ov Israel. Noo ye all knaa hoo Moses wus fund I’ the bullrushes be Phareh’s dowter (leastways that wus er story). Weel yors later Moses an ees lads wor workin I the clarts b the Nile makin bricks f Phareh. Noo one of the gards cums up an sez “Howay Moses Phareh wants t see yer”. So up lowps Moses from the clarts an’ gans wi’ the gard. He gets t Phareh’s tent an knocks on the door ‘feared Phareh ‘had a bit o’ goods inside lyke. “Cum in” sez Phareh, so in gans Moses. “Mornin Moses” sez Phareh, “Mornin Phareh”, sez Moses. “Noo leuk ear”, sez Phareh getting strite t the point. “Youse lads is not makin’ enough bricks fer me pyramids. They wis gan ti be greet big cubes, but wi ye lot on the gan slaa, th’ve aal ad to hev pointy tops noo. Se ye’ll aal hev to mak twice as monny bricks wi’ nee straa”. “Nee straa” sez Moses, “the lads’ll nivver agree te that”.

So Moses gans oot slammin’; the tent door ahint im. “E gathers aal ‘ees lads together for a union meetin’ te decide on strike action. “No laads, aave just bin te see Phareh an ee wants us to mek twice as monny bricks and wi nee straa”. “Nee straa”, shoots the lads. “That’s nee gud”. Noo up lowps Joshua—ees the one wi the wellies on—and sez “Howaay Moses, lets we dee off”. “Right” sez Moses, “Ye tuk the words reet oot me mooth. Let we aal dee away an find the promised land, so ger all yer wives an bairns together, gerron yer bogies an we’ll diddle oot the toon”.

So cume twelve o’clock, one ov Phareh’s gards is jest dumpin is tab end ower the battlement waal an e luks doon an sees Moses and all the Children ov Israel gannin tappy lappy oot the toon in a clood o dust. The gard gans fleein doonstairs te tell Phareh. “Gerron yer cuddies an dee away after them” e roars.

Meanwhile oot in the desert Moses an the lads is fair clammed wi thorst. Joshua—ees the one wi the wellies on—sez “Moses, ye knaa wot we forgot te bring in all the horry, the barrel ov broon!” “Aal hev to dee summat aboot that”, sez Moses, so e takes is wand oot on his cloak an smites a greet big rock, clitter clatter an then pitter patter oot comes the watter. So when the lads slacked thor thorst they gets back on thor bogies an maks off te the Reed Sea. Jest as they gets near the sea, Joshua—ees the one wi the wellies on—sez “Luk over there, ear cum the Pharisees”, an sure enough all Phareh’s lads is cumin ower the ill on their gallowas. “Quick”, sez Moses, “cuddies is fasta than bogies”. “Wot can we dee?” sez Joshua. Moses raises ees wand an a greet baal cums oot the sky an a greet clood o fire ides the Pharisees. “That’s fooled em for a bit”, laffs Moses. E olds ees wand oot ower the Reed Sea, an yer knaa wot, aal the watter parted asunder (or was in Munda?) So’s aal the Children ov Israel were plodgin across te the other side. Joshua was aal reet cos ee ad is wellies on.


Just as they aal got ower, Phareh’s lads cum te the watter’s edge an started plodgin an aal, but Moses puts a stop te that by waving ees wand again an aal the water poured doon an drunded aal Phareh’s horses and aal Phareh’s men.


So endeth the forst lesson.