Estranged family wants back into my life after 40 years

Forums:
Email this Topic • Print this Page

I am a 45 year old woman. My parents divorced when I was 6 - my sister at the time was 18. When the divorce happened, my mom told me I was going to live with my dad only. Dad and I moved out of the family home - which my mom had inherited from her family. Mom had lots of family money, dad had no money. When dad and I moved out, we moved into a small rental apartment. Dad had to work two jobs and take care of me. My mom disappeared and sent no child support payments - and no birthday cards or phone calls, no presents, no no clothes, etc. Basically, two months after we moved out - she sold the house and her number was disconnected. For all I knew, she could have been dead. When I was 21, my sister (33 at the time) contact my dad via social media. She and her mother had been arrested for a violent crime and needed bail money. Stupidly, my dad gave them every penny he had. Stupidly, I helped them too. They said they had nothing - they were bankrupt. They said they wanted to be a family again. Mom said she needed my car, because she had a job lined up but it was far so she needed a car. I gave her my car stupidly, the one I had just paid off. I told them dad was going through cancer treatments at the time. Two weeks later - they were gone and never to be heard again from, numbers were disconnected. Fast forward 24 years to last week. Sister reached out to dad via social media. Said she wants to be a family again, especially since his bday is coming up. Dad said to me that this is all that he could ever hope for at his age, that his girls would love each other and be sisters. Yeah, well, I don't want anything to do with them. To be honest, I started telling people my mother was dead and that I was an only child when I was a teenager. And that's just fine by me. I don't need or want them in my life. My dad says I am the problem now - that I need to give them a chance and that my life is meaningless without them and that I should have never told people I am an only child and that my mother died. Great. What do I do now? I should mention that dad lives with me now, as he has nothing much to live on.

Topic Stats
Top Replies
Link to this Topic

Type: Question • Score: 4 • Views: 213 • Replies: 4

[+4] - jespah - 08/02/2024Your father's opinion on whether your life has meaning is, well, meaningless. [i]That and the correct fare will get you on the subway.[/i] You're a grown woman, and you get to choose who you...

@Abilene,

Your father's opinion on whether your life has meaning is, well, meaningless.

That and the correct fare will get you on the subway.

You're a grown woman, and you get to choose who you associate with. Your dad, so long as he is competent, can make those same choices. But he can't force them on you.

Your dad is in a position where he's dependent, and he's probably none too pleased with that. But that's how his particular chips have fallen.

Do you have control over his money? I ask because your sister and mother have clearly proven that they have no qualms against taking your (yours and/or his) money and your possessions. So, this time, they may be gunning for his social security $ and any pension he has, 401(k), anything like that.

If you depend on this $ for anything, or if he does, then you'll need to make it abundantly clear to him that you don't trust either of them as far as you can throw them, and it would be better if he were to put some safeguards on his accounts. You can talk to your bank about what these will be like. Passwords, 2 factor authentication, maybe requiring a cosigner if a withdrawal is for more than a certain amount.... It'll be something like that. Make it clear that this isn't for you to take his money; it's to help make sure that they don't.

He may say you're overthinking and overreacting. Just keep beating the drum that these two women have a history of taking the money or possessions and running. You care about him and want him to be safe and savvy about his future.

And definitely protect your own funds. If he's not going to protect his, or even if he does, your accounts are probably the prize they've got their little grifting hearts set on.

Better safe than sorry.

1 Reply

@jespah,

Thank you very much for your reply. I appreciate it. I don't have control over my dad's money. He has his own account and he has no access to my accounts - although he has said that he feels he should have access to my bank accounts. That has always been a hard no. I have my accounts protected. I do have access to his bank accounts, as he likes for me to make sure everything is okay and that the few bills he has are being paid etc. He also has a very small pension going into his accounts. I am also in the process of finalizing a small lump-sum retirement payment from his workplace when he was living in Europe (where I grew up). I have a feeling that the reason these two women popped up into our lives again right now.... is because my mother potentially knows that my dad will receive that lump-sum payment from back home right about now in the next few months. My sister has already reached out to me to let me know if I can pay for her airfare to come and see dad for his bday. And that she hasn't been working because she is severely depressed. And that she is crashing with friends. I told her the truth - I have no money to give you for airfare or anything else.

Thanks for the advice. I really appreciate it. You are absolutely right - I do have to have a very open and honest conversation with my dad about my fears that they may be trying to get money out of us again. Because that's what they have done in the past. And we just need to be smart and protect ourselves - and not believe everything they say, just because they are "family".

0 Replies

If you could move with your Dad without them knowing where I would suggest doing so. They only want to take what you both have.

Estranged family wants back into my life after 40 years

Quick Links

My Account

able2know