Do i cut my dad off? He's an abuser and narcissist.

Reply Sun 7 Jan, 2024 05:41 pm
I am 21 years old, my mum died from cancer when i was 11.

I was left with my dad who throughout the ages of 11-17 was foul to me. Blame me for everything (him wanting to commit suicide, the reason why hes so angry etc), invalid my grief completely (he was always hurting the most, all attention had to be on him). He would knock me and my 9 year old brother down at the time, giving us very little self confidence, always finding faults in us, humiliating us in public, controlling, spiteful and manipulative (he would stage suicides, lock us outside, threaten to kick us out) the list honestly goes on and on.

We would have explosive arguments where he'd swear, shout, tell me to commit suicide all the worst things someone could say, even to go as far as to tell me how mum would be disgusted with me. Now since I've matured i completely see this as his own insecurities and he's projecting, he's a bully, narcissist, and very unstable. Every time i've tried to cut him off he tries to tell me he's changed, it'll be different etc. Of course deeply craving his love i've caved in praying that he has as he's my only parent left. He never changes. This summer after 4 years of living away from him he begged me to move back in for 'one last try', he spolied me with attention, flowers, my favoruite snacks for the first few days and then completely switched up on me. He began shouting (which i don't tolerate) telling me his life is better when im out of it, im so unloveable and that he wants to never see me again. So i left.

All in all he's destroyed my younger brother. My brother is now 18 and so shy, has huge trust issues and little friends as-well as PTSD and social anxiety due to my dad emotionally abusing him for years and making him feel completely unloved and worthless. With me I'm studying psychology right now and working on myself everyday to make myself a better person, however of course i have been effected massively by my up bringing and am not perfect.

Even though we've been in no contact for 4 months he still tries to have power over me. For example - I messaged him for the first time the other day asking to watch the old videos of my mum and me as im ready now and that i would go pick them up. He replied saying he may of thrown them all away, so when he was out my boyfriend (who's so supportive) went to look for them through the house. During this i came across a photo album where the first few photos look innocent and then in the middle were photos of me and brothers 'messy' rooms, even my brother sleeping and zooming into a hole in his sock. It was so disturbing because who does that? My theory is it's to keep playing the victim, he can show people and it justifies why he's kicked us out. After seeing this and also not being able to find the videos of my mum (i think he's hidden them out of spite and control) it made me so angry and sad. I want nothing to do with this man, however theres another part of me that is so concerned that he will kill himself and i will feel guilt because he's always told me if he does then i'm the one to blame. He has zero friends, he's fallen out with the whole family and is inside this house day and night, he's an older dad so he doesn't even work. I just honestly have no idea what to do i hate him but i also feel guilty. Please could someone please give their opinon of this because i feel like im going crazy thanks.

Reply Sun 7 Jan, 2024 08:47 pm
You can absolutely cut him off. You're an adult and you get to choose who you spend your time with.

Before doing anything (whether it's to cut him off 100% or in part or not), talk to your brother first. He's a part of this and you've rightfully realized he's been deeply affected. At the very minimum, the guy deserves a heads up.

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Reply Mon 8 Jan, 2024 11:56 am
You do not have to have toxic people in your life, even if they are family. It's ok to disengage and live Life on your own terms. You do not have to feel guilty when someone treats you poorly and you've had enough. You are not to blame for his loss, his sorrow, his anger or his threats.

I highly suggest individual counselling for grief and ptsd. Even though you are studying psychology, it doesn't have the same affect as your own therapy.

Please continue with the low/no contact you've established for him. Understand you may never get the type of relationship with your dad the way you'd like. Whether he's just not capable or will not change isn't your emotional baggage to decipher.

I'm sure you don't hate him but hate the things he does. Again, you can only control your emotions, not anyone else. So live well, grow and prosper. Maybe someday he'll change. But today is not that day.

Today is your day. Make the most of it.
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bobsal u1553115
Reply Fri 12 Jan, 2024 03:51 pm
If it's damaging to be around him, or even if it's not - it's perfectly normal and perfectly alright to cut the ties, even if it means ghosting him. You owe no one any kind of explanation at all.

Your well being is paramount.
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