#1 thing learned from A2K

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Is there one lesson or major thing learned you've taken away from this site?

Seriously, there's one thing that being on this site has further driven into my head: never get married. Never.

I've felt this way for a little while, and seeing how many new topics going up DAILY about torn marriages has just further supplemented my thoughts on legally signing my life over to someone else.

I've already promised myself to tell women I date it'll never happen, before things get too serious. Maybe someday in my 40's or so my mindset will change, but I'm pretty happy with my outlook on it.

Thanks, A2K...because of you, I won't have to deal with whining little kids, and disposable income shall be mine.

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Ive learnt that we are ALL different.Its amazing how we can all look at the same situation and see a totally differnt answer to it.
Ive learnt to Listen. Absorb,Learn from and Forget.

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Slappy- People who have great marriages, or even adequate marriages, do not usually write about it. What you read on A2K are the minority of people who are unhappy in their union.

If you are so disenchanted with marriage now, I agree, you should not even consider it, for the time being. But IMO, you should not rule it out.

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I understand that you're only going to read about the negatives.

But if I break it down...for one, I really don't want kids. At least right now. And if there's no kids, there's absolutely NO reason for marriage. If/when things don't work out, you can simply walk away from a relationship, while divorce involves lawyers and money.

Plus I just don't envy the married life at all. I like my independence.

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Slappy,

I agree with Phoenix. The problem is that people with no problems in their marriage don't post. What we need are posts like...

- My wife gives me great sex.
- My husband is faithful.
or even.
- My wife watches porn with me.

BTW: having kids has been incredible. Having a commited relationship is a pretty good thing in itself and would be worth it to me even without kids.

I've been single. I don't want to go back.

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Marriage doesn't make the relationship anymore commited than a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.

I don't cheat on girlfriends, yet I know married guys that f*ck prostitutes on the side.

I'm not against marriage in general, it's just not something I want to do. About 50% don't work out, and the guy ends up getting royally screwed every time. Fact is people change over time, and I don't see the appeal in signing a contract over a relationship.

Again, maybe if some day I have the urge to raise kids I'd probably change my views. But I haven't wanted kids since about 10 years ago(didn't want them at the time, but eventually).

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I disagree.

Marriage does make the relationship more commited than a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I say this as someone who has had both types of relationship (even with the same woman).

One difference is permanence. Admittedly, there are many less than permanent marriages, but the goal in my marriage is to make it last for life. You may say that this isn't what you want, but I think that is different than most boyfriend/girlfriend relationships even when there is no cheating.

Another difference is the cultural significance of marriage. Again this may not be important to you, but for many it is deeply meaningful. The fact that marriage is a "cultural" commitment with aspects that have been in our culture for thousands of years means something.

My personal experience is that my relationship with my wife is deeper and stronger because we went through the cermony and invoked the cultural meanings attached to it.

Research shows that men who are married have a greater life expectancy and a lowered risk of heart attacks. Strangely the benefit for men is higher than that for women (go figure).

You are right there are bad marriages, and I wouldn't recommend entering a bad marriage. But there are also plenty of us who don't do prostitutes on the side (or in any other position)

Marriage is probably not for everyone.

But I hated being single... I don't miss the dating games at all. I certainly don't miss being the terrible feeling of insecurity from being unsure if I or my partner was either too comitted or not committed enough in a sexual relationship.

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Not 50%, actually. Never has been, but the percentages continue to improve. If you marry a college grad, the chance of it not working out is more like 16%.

(More here:)

http://www.able2know.com/forums/viewtopic.php?p=1299893#1299893

But I don't want to evangelize about marriage -- I think it's important for people to have ongoing, close social contact and frequent-enough (varies from person to person as to how much that is) sexual contact, but I don't think those necessarily have to be with the same person. If someone has lots of close friends and then the occasional one-night stand, or a long-term romantic relationship, or whatever, that's cool. Whatever works.

P.S.: While I don't want to evangelize, deciding whether marriage is for you or not based on input here is dumb. Just because A2K is one of the first hits for "my husband is addicted to porn" or whatever doesn't say anything about what marriage would be like for YOU.

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One of the advantages about being married (to someone you trust) is not having to worry. No little dating games. No jealousy. No figuring things out. No STDs. No trying to be someone you're not.

I would never want to go back.

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The whole cultural significance of marriage doesn't convince me...gay couples have been long/life relationships for years. And I'm not religious, so I could care less about that aspect. Committment comes from the two people's effort in the relationship, not a $10,000 ring the male has to buy and a legal contract.

I don't hate being single. Since I've gotten some confidence in my life I've never been dependent on having a relationship to be happy. Yes, there are days lately I miss having a girlfriend, but part of that is probably because I haven't been dating a ton lately. But I never think "if only I was in a relationship, life would be so much better."

But then again, who knows what will happen. I've done plenty of other stupid things.

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And as an attempt to keep this thread on track...

I have learned to think things through more instead of acting on my initial response. My critical thinking has vastly improved as well as my patience.

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jpinMilwaukee wrote:

One of the advantages about being married (to someone you trust) is not having to worry. No little dating games. No jealousy. No figuring things out. No STDs. No trying to be someone you're not.

I would never want to go back.

I'm sensing a theme here: security.

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Slappy Doo Hoo wrote:

The whole cultural significance of marriage doesn't convince me...gay couples have been long/life relationships for years. And I'm not religious, so I could care less about that aspect. Committment comes from the two people's effort in the relationship, not a $10,000 ring the male has to buy and a legal contract.

I think you misunderstood what I meant by "cultural significance".

I wasn't saying that you should let society control your relationship, and I wasn't making any kind of religious statement. I agree completely that commitment comes from the effort of the people in the relationship.

There are cultural symbols in our culture that are a part of who we are. Some are a part of our general culture. Some are from our upbringing or passed down through are familiy. These symbols can be religious or not, but they are important. They are individual symbols that are often also shared (and that is part of their importance).

Each couple gets to pick which of these symbols to use, and what the significance of them are.

If you are paying attention, you will know I am a strong proponent of homosexual marriage. Some couples went through marriage ceremonies even before they were legally sanctioned here. They did this because of these cultural symbols that are important.

I didn't buy my wife a $10,000 ring. We have a pair of not very expsensive gold bands that are very important to us as symbols of our bond.

When a couple is married, they alone are responsible for the meaning of the marriage and the nature of the relationship.

But the cultural symbols that are part of our society are there, be it rings, or breaking a glass, or prayer, or dancing. They have value not as rules that must be followed, but as a rich cultural heritage that can be chosen and used as part of a meaningful marriage.

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Slappy, if you don't want to get married, don't. There are plenty of people out there who don't want to get married for whatever reason. There are benefits and disadvantages legally to being married but when it comes down to it, you gotta be wanting to be where you are or the marriage isn't going to work.

You might change your mind when you meet someone you want to spend the rest of your life with but then again, maybe you won't.

It doesn't make you any less of a person because you aren't married, even though society makes it seem weird if you are 40 and never married. I got married because that's what I always knew I'd do.

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Bella, I don't think society looks down on me for not being married...but definitely for being 28 years old with Superman sheets on my bed.

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Slappy Doo Hoo wrote:

Bella, I don't think society looks down on me for not being married...but definitely for being 28 years old with Superman sheets on my bed.

I know that when people say "He's a 40 year old man who's never been married" people wonder "why hasn't he been married? What's WRONG with him?

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Bella Dea wrote:

Slappy Doo Hoo wrote:
Bella, I don't think society looks down on me for not being married...but definitely for being 28 years old with Superman sheets on my bed.

I know that when people say "He's a 40 year old man who's never been married" people wonder "why hasn't he been married? What's WRONG with him?

Especially now in Massachusetts where the number of people that Slappy could marry recently doubled.

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It may be BD that they only wonder what's wrong with him because they don't know what's wrong with him whereas they know what's wrong with a married man.

What I've learned from A2K is that women don't understand men.Actually I knew before I came on here and it has been confirmed.The more I act like I am the less popular I get with the ladies and those men who have bought into the lady thing.

I'll admit I don't understand women but these ladies who don't understand men think they do and go off on a ranter when a man does something they don't understand.

As for kids,the little monsters.What a selfish thing to bring kids into this unstable world just because you are going to enjoy them without any reference to whether the kids will be enjoying life in 2075 and all the way to it.

Stick at it Slappy-a lot of this other stuff is made up after the event to try to justify it like everybody says what a wonderful time they have had on holiday in some Oriental dump.Take up ballroom dancing and cookery classes.You can get a 10 to 1 ratio in those.

In my experience a happily married man daren't even read a good book.I know men who have worked 30 years to pay off a house and they can't even light up in it.And boy-when they get two daughters they are really in deep doo-doo.And there's the mother-in-law on top of that.

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Sorry about that folks.No idea what it was.The Great Goddess maybe.

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A little song for you Slappy...

Quote:

Yo se bien que estoy afuera
Pero el dia que yo me muera
Se que tendras que llorar,
Llorar y llorar, llorar y llorar
Diras que no me quisiste,
Pero vas a estar muy triste
Y asi te vas a quedar

Con dinero y sin dinero
Hago siempre lo que quiero
Y mi palabra es la ley;
No tengo trono ni reina,
Ni nadie que me comprenda,
Pero sigo siendo el rey

Una piedra en el camino
Me enseño que mi destino
Era rodar y rodar,
Rodar y rodar, rodar y rodar
Despues me dijo un arriero
Que no hay que llegar primero,
Pero hay que saber llegar

Con dinero y sin dinero
Hago siempre lo que quiero
Y mi palabra es la ley;
No tengo trono ni reina,
Ni nadie que me comprenda,
Pero sigo siendo el rey

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