Wed 5 Jul, 2023 04:47 am
I want to give some background to this question. I am 41 years old. When I was 16, I impregnated a colleague in school. This was so long ago I don’t even remember very well what we talked about on the phone (it can be a false memory), but she lived in another city, she told me she was pregnant and she told me she didn’t know if was gonna make an abortion. After that we never spoke again. Some years later it became known to me that she made her ex-boyfriend believe that the child was his, so he was the one who signed the birth certificate as a father. But this guy was also very absent from her life, from what I know. The mother married this other guy, with whom she had a couple more children, and this guy fathered her (my biological daughter).
So I have always “watched her from afar” growing up (her mother and her has social media). I know that her mother never told her the truth, I don’t think anyone knows the truth.
She grown up into a beautiful woman, she even graduated college already a couple of weeks ago.
Anyways, this thing has been weighing on me, I don’t know if I have to right to contact her and tell her the truth, I just wanted to hug her and ask forgiveness for what has happened, and maybe this doesn’t mean anything for her because I Am a complete stranger, I am just like a sperm donor.
Is there anything good that can come out of this?
@roguetrader,
Ask her mother, see what she says.
@roguetrader,
What are you trying to accomplish here? Telling her would devastate her, so it certainly is not for her benefit. You didn't step up as a parent (and you were a kid yourself), so you have no standing here. Maybe one day she will take a test and find out. You might want to get your DNA in the database in case that happens and she wants to meet you, but contacting her out of the blue knowing that it would negatively impact everyone involved including the innocent husband and the other children would be evil.
I should have made myself a bit more clear, I am NOT trying to contact her directly out of the blue like dropping a nuke.
I am contacting her mother to speak about it, if she ever told her the truth, and if she plans to do it one day.
I think she has the right to know where she really came from.
@roguetrader,
It's still the same thing. You contact the mother and she freaks out, thinking that you are going to crash her life around her. I don't think that is your intent, but again, there is little to gain here and a lot of potential harm.
@engineer,
I think the DNA suggestion is excellent.
@engineer,
That's what happens when your life revolves around a big lie... Truth always surfaces.
I, myself, am on the fence about this.
I can see the point that this could disrupt someone's life. But on the other hand, you is possible for this daughter to find out somewhere else and where would that put her? Probably in a worse place rather than being told by her mother.
I would reach out to the mom and get her opinion. I would hope mom would want to do what is best for her daughter. I know this is not always the case, but in the end this daughter hearing it from her mother is the correct person to tell her.
Yes if the truth comes out via doing a DNA search, wouldn't that be more hurtful?
As an aside, I know a man who was living his life with a wife and two sons when he gets a knock on the door, there is a teenage girl who then proceeded to tell him that she was his daughter. First time this guy even knew about it.
@roguetrader,
roguetrader wrote:I think she has the right to know where she really came from.
From her mother's womb. You are just a sperm donor - you never paid child support and you never had any interest until now. Curb your ego and move on!
Getting your DNA out there to 21andme or any other site should be enough.
If she is the one contacting you, good for you, but otherwise stop it!
@CalamityJane,
What about the part where she tricked someone else into believing it was his daughter? It's way way worst than what I wanna do.
@roguetrader,
No, it's not. You don't know what the birth mother's personal situation is. You have created this scenario of what happened in your mind to justify what you want to do. You have no idea of what the reality is in that family, who was told what. You want to crash the house down on this family, a family that supported and raised your bio daughter while you did nothing. Are you willing to pay back child support (probably around $100k)? Are you interested in the welfare of your bio daughter? It doesn't sound like it. Are you willing to crush her life to scratch your itch for contact (and it sounds like revenge)?
@engineer,
Yes, back child support would easily run around $100k and if I were the
mother I would hold him to it. Karma would be served!
Wow, touchy subject here. Great advice from others.
Maybe the daughter has a right to know. Start with the mother and see what happens and lay out a plan together for your daughter. I still don't know who my father is and I'm almost 50. It sucks and hurts every day.
@Coconuts75,
Doesn't his daughter have the right to look that up for herself, at her own time?
A friend of mine didn't know his biological father, and he didn't want to know him either.
He would have been very angry, maybe even violent, had his biological father turned up unannounced.
@CalamityJane,
LOL child support... Maybe that could happen to a poor bastard living in a gynocentric leftist state in north america. Here where I live, even if the judge was a woman she would laugh at the audacity of someone who committed paternity fraud to ask for retroactive child support.
@izzythepush,
She can't "look it up at her own time" because no one ever told her the truth.
@roguetrader,
Soounds like she's better off without you.
Is there any normal person that could reply?
So far I got a simp (aka "male" feminist), two feminazis and a couple of more or less reasonable people.
@roguetrader,
Everyone who has replied to you so far is 'normal'.
They're all people who give good advice.
Your problem is that no-one has told you what you want to hear, that is that you should just go for it regardless of the turmoil and distress this would probably cause.
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