Marriage bombshell

He killed himself.

When someone is suicidal their friends tend to talk to them a lot.

If you were on the phone to a mate of yours who'd threatened to top himself would you hang up after five minutes?

You may not see the need for counseling, but I sure as hell do. And I bet other people will as well (IANAD).

3 kids in 10 years? Anyone would be worn down and, if they were feeling like they were no longer attractive, might start to act out. But even if you had your kids earlier, three children are still a lot.

Regardless of the extent of your wife's relationship with this man, the guy killed himself. Why wouldn't she be upset by that? Sudden deaths are upsetting. Funerals are (by design) upsetting. Suicide is damned upsetting.

So, cut her some slack in that area. And giving her the third degree right afterwards? Do you even hear yourself? Your wife was saddened and blindsided and then you went all CSI on her.

That kind of treatment was going to end in only one of two ways: a fight or her withdrawing into depression. In this case, it's the latter. But you have got to own up in your part in her feelings. She feels what she feels, but you sure as hell did nothing but pour salt into the wound.

Did they do anything else? I have no idea. It certainly feels like a deception. If nothing else, it's an omission. Is that cheating? Personally, I don't believe so.

But you already don't trust her. You're already at the accusations stage.

So, consider this.

You can go through counseling and make an effort (and I mean a real one, not just insisting that she go but not bothering, or going but not engaging yourself) to save your marriage, or you can start to talk about a future past your marriage.

For God's sake, if it's really over, then don't stay for "the sake of your children". Do not put your kids in that position. It's wrong. It's an unfair burden on them, and it teaches them that personal happiness and even loyalty and mental health take a back seat to the almighty children.

And, if you think it's over, consider just how difficult divorce truly is. Not just the actual act of it. It's expensive. Not just lawyers but later on. You're now supporting two households (both of you, not just you). Your kids are shuffling between the two of you. If you're dependent on her for your health insurance, then guess what else is going to get more expensive?

Divorce is an economic bloodbath and that's even an amicable divorce where the property is divided quickly and custody is shared with no arguments.

And so I come back to my first point: counseling. And not just for her.

It's ridiculous to believe that you can find someone who can satisfy every single one of your needs.

My son spends time online playing FRP games with a group of friends that have nothing to do with his wife.

There is a married woman I'm friends with. I see her once or twice a year to talk about politics.

Her husband has no interest in politics and it's something important to her, and I fulfil that interest.

That's all I do, there's nothing else, her husband knows that, and we get on very well.

People are social creatures, mixing with friends does not automatically mean infidelity.