Mon 30 Jan, 2023 10:51 pm
I'm mostly looking for insights, and possibly some mutual experiences from people on this forum who either have Aspergers themselves, or have experience with someone who has the disorder.
I'm just hoping that this might help me figure out a few things about myself.
Lately, I've been feeling incredibly guilty because it's come to my attention that I made a person who has always viewed me in a sisterly way very, very bad. At the time, I was unaware of how I made her feel, because we didn't communicate very well and, as a mutual friend pointed out once or twice, part of the problem was probably that I think differently than some of the people I was trying to associate with.
There are also many areas where I did act like a spoiled brat, although I am still a bit uncertain where exactly you draw certain lines for people on the autistic spectrum. I mean, neurotypicals and/or other types of neurodivergents (sp?) have every right to feel hurt or offended if someone with Aspergers explodes, or does something worse.
But at the same time, where do you draw the line between an autistic person having a meltdown due to experiencing something they haven't had prior experience with, or someone just having a tantrum for the sake of being a brat? How do you tell the difference... even within yourself, so you can judge or analyze yourself and your own past actions accordingly?
Some of the biggest problems I had when I was younger were the following:
Sometimes, I would hear one thing and then accept it as gospel. Even if somehow or other, maybe I was the one who misunderstood something in the context or how certain parameters of a "plan" or potential outcome, I would sometimes have crippling meltdowns that required some sort of counselling to work through if something didn't go the way I wanted or expected.
Another thing that would happen is that I would be highly impressionable.
But just to get right down to the matter of things, well... I've just been thinking a lot about how I did do some very bad and even heartless things, (At least it could be perceived that way by others) and these days, when I think back on it, I really which I could go back in time and either punch myself or at least prevent my past self from doing those things.
There are two examples I can mention involving a card.
When I was a kid, well, my Dad (who is highly suspected of having Aspergers himself) lost his beloved cat, and my Mom tried to show him sympathy and express love by giving him a card. Dad, having a lot of unresolved issues at that time and not being very receptive, tossed the card away like he didn't want anything to do with Mom or the gesture... so she tossed the card into the fireplace after he left the house.
Later, he actually looked for the card while Mom was at work. But it was gone, so of course he never found it.
In my case, a the friend who considered me to be like a sister once sent me a card in the mail, and I only realized a long time later that she had painstakingly looked through a lot of cards to find one that would really be meaningful and say something that conveyed how she felt about me. But back at the time, when I was more of a brat and rather oblivious to the effort that other people put into things at times, I didn't even LOOK at the card, I simply treated it like trash because I felt I would've wanted something else.
And now, years later, when I have more awareness and I also have a few other matters in my life more settled, I actually really wish I could have that card now. Because I NOW understand the true significance of what it meant, how long she must have carefully studied all the cards in the store to find the right, special one for me, and look at how I acted. But it's too late now, it's gone, and she's certainly not gonna send me another one like it after what I did.
I almost feel like crying while I'm writing this, because I feel angry at myself and I feel guilt and regret over what I did and how I must have made other people sometimes, and I think in his own way, Dad feels similar now.
It's just... why does this happen sometimes? Why is it that people on the autistic spectrum fail to realize for many years how they made someone else feel, after that other person at least tried to do something really nice?
And, as it was in both my case and my Dad's case, why was it sometimes easy to just do something aggressive with something that another, loving person tried to give us, only to act or feel like we actually want it later when it's already too late?
And... is it our fault that this happens, or is it kinda not our fault?
Like... I dunno. It just seems like maybe there are constantly areas all around where both neurotypicals and people on the autistic spectrum have massive gaps in communication. And for whatever reason, it also seems like people (like me) have also had a way of doing... fairly destructive things sometimes without even realizing during the moment how it would make another person feel, and without a proper realization that if you break it, destroy it, or get rid of it in some other way, you're not getting it back even if you change your mind later.
I guess I really am just trying to figure out something about MYSELF here, because I don't understand it myself and I feel like my mind is still a bit clouded by the reactions of those I hurt by such reactions, instead of also trying to understand and accept some basic things about my own mental issues.
So... does anyone have any insights, theories or facts about why this happens? Basically, my question is this: WHY is it that people with Aspergers tend to react on impulse, even outright reject something or give every indication that they don't want it or anything to do with the person offering it, and then at a later point in time, legitimately feel like they would like it even after they've already ruined it or the other person (understandably so) has rescinded what they might've been offering?
Both my youngest son and daughter in law are autistic.
Their own idiosyncracies can really piss off the other one.
Thats the problem when once is sensitive to noise and the other one stims loudly, then they swap.
I think it's par for the course, just accept there are things you both do that irritate the other one, none of it is malicious, it's just how you are.
What does "stims" mean? Is that another UK word I don't know?
Anyway, good advice.
Stimming is something autistic people do.
It may be noises, or physical movements, something that isn't typical.
Thanks. I'll have to look that up.