I don’t know if I was the problem in this relationship and it kills me

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Okay, so I broke up with my girlfriend a few weeks ago. She always said I was the problem, but I genuinely don’t know if that is true. I’m just going to lay out everything that happened in the time span that we dated

I met her at a party, we had sex that night. I asked her to go on a date that coming weekend. I ended up having sex with another girl in between that time period. About a month after our first date she asked if I was currently having sex with anyone else. I told her I wasn’t(which was true the only girl I’d had sex with other then her was the one before our first date). Everything was good after that but she still was suspicious for some reason. She kept asking me if I’d bought new condoms and I kept reassuring her I hadn’t.

Then I went over to her new place and met her roomate after we were officially dating. She accused me of flirting with her roomate, which I wasn’t. Now this is where I fucked up. I posted about it on Reddit ranting and saying she was insecure for that. I was honestly just mad, but it was mostly just a rant. She ended up finding the post and was rightfully very hurt by it. I felt super bad and I even told her I’d delete Reddit, which I did. We kept dating but she was still suspicious.

She then found out about the girl I’d slept with before our first date and said that I had been unfaithful to her, and that I should’ve told her. I never told her in the beginning because I didn’t think it was that big of a deal, but to her it was. She constantly told me she compared herself to this girl and that I must have liked something more about this girl then I did about her and that just wasn’t true.

She also kept getting mad because this woman and I kept texting. I assured her many times that this woman was an old coworker who was a 60 year old woman(all true) she was just a nice lady and we texted maybe once every few months. She demanded I remove her from my phone which I did

We ended up having a fight later on down the road and she demanded that I let her look through my phone. I did because I had nothing to hide. She went through my browser history and saw that I’d been on a few girls Instagram profiles. I never messaged any of them, and honestly the only reason I had visited their profiles is because I was clicking on names from her own following list. I never revisited those profiles and I never “stalked them” or compared them to my girlfriend which is what she accused me of doing. I apologized and we moved on…. Or so I thought

For weeks she kept berating me saying I was a cheater for looking at those girls profiles and I was untrustworthy. She even demanded that I stop watching if there was a sex scene during a movie. She forced me to delete photos of me and my ex, which I thought was a huge invasion of my privacy. After a few weeks I just couldn’t handle it anymore I became distant to her crying and complaining. I couldn’t even say sorry anymore I just told her she was being insecure and to let it go, and I broke up with her

I really do miss her and I really did love her but in my head her insecurities got to much in the way of that

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Type: Question • Score: 2 • Views: 501 • Replies: 13

[+4] - jespah - 10/14/2022She's nuts and you dodged a bullet.

She's nuts and you dodged a bullet.

1 Reply

@jespah,

Agree.

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Not only is Jespah on point, but there is no healthy outcome obsessing in the impossible what could have been, when all you end up doing is sifting the ashes and shards.

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@Alwayyonthemove,

For someone who thinks that they're "innocent" you sure display questionable behavior.

You had already asked her out but has sex with someone else? Then lie about it? Yeah, shady. Not earth shattering but none the less, not exactly all that above board either.

Flirting is subjective and I think you probably were flirting with her roommate. You are a playa who doesn't see things as serious but your behavior leads people to question your motives.

Instagram profiles? Dude, wrong image to project into a new relationship. You should have either 1-deleted the profiles when you went exclusive or 2-not show off your phone.

The previous co-worker texting, well exactly what kinds of conversations are they? If they're benign in nature, then just say no, I will not delete an old friend.

I'm not sure why anyone would keep photos of their x on their phone. Delete them, or transfer them to the Cloud.

Yes, she is insecure. But she did have legitimate concerns. And you're both better off without each other.

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@neptuneblue,

Very good points. Agree.

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@neptuneblue,

I’ll reply to all your points. I’m not trying to argue I’m just trying to share my point of view.

1. “I had sex with someone before asking her out” while I wish I hadn’t done this, me and this girl hadn’t been on our first date yet. For all I knew she would blow off the date and leave me on read that day like has happened to me many times prior. I wouldn’t say I lied about it, as I wasn’t sleeping with anyone following our first date, which is when I consider the time to stop ******* around with other women.

2.your right, flirting is absolutely subjective, but I really don’t think it can come off that way. All she said is that I was looking at her roommate more then I was looking at her. Which may have been true, but that was because I was trying to make a good impression. Being friends with your girlfriends friends I think is pretty important in my eyes, so that’s all I wanted to do.

3. As far as the Instagram thing, I wasn’t following any of these girls I’d visited their profiles. They were people who followed my girlfriend. I was going through her following and that was a stupid thing. I also wasn’t “showing off my phone” she was arguing with me and demanded that I give her my phone. I did because I had nothing to hide and that’s when she found I’d been to their profiles through a safari browser history.

4. The coworker conversations were always just “hey, how are you doing”, where are you working now” etc. it was all done on Snapchat though so I didn’t have proof of it, and she said that it must be because I’m trying to hide something, which I wasn’t.

5. I barely have any pictures of myself. I like to keep photos of past relationships; friends or girlfriends. It’s not to obsess over them, it’s just because I like to remember the good times.

I addressed all your points and I’d like if you came back with your own opinions (:

1 Reply

@Alwayyonthemove,

Part of maturing relationships is taking stock of things you did right and where to make improvements on the not-so-great things.

If you ask someone out, don't jump into bed with someone else 3-4 days prior to meeting them. It's where you show interest in that person, respect for boundaries and a healthy way of life.

You don't see how your actions influence how others perceive them. If creating a good impression is important to you, then showing interest in your date is way more effective than showering their friends with attention.

I think Instagram is silly, but if you caroused your gf's stuff, delete what you find.

Please don't delete an old acquaintance to appease someone. Girlfriends come and go but good friends last a very long time.

Consider getting a photo shoot for yourself. I'm sure your family will enjoy seeing them.

You're doing ok, just need to tidy up your loose ends.

1 Reply

@neptuneblue,

Your right, I definitely shouldn’t have slept with that girl again. She was a long term fwb, and she asked to come over. If I’m being completely honest, I didn’t even want to, but I just have a problem with telling people no. I know I made mistakes, I just hate that she continually calls me a cheater when I don’t think anything I did warranted that kind of name. She even calls me a cheater on tik tok to her millions of followers and it just kills me, because I didn’t want to cheat on her, nor would I have ever. I’m trying to move on it’s just hard because I really did love her.

She’s genuinely imo a case of “right person, wrong time.” I just don’t know if we were ready for each other

2 Replies

@Alwayyonthemove,

You either move on or you get to repeat it over and over and over.

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@Alwayyonthemove,

I highly doubt you "loved" her. She's extremely needy and jealous in ways you could never sway. But her issues aren't yours and don't beat yourself up thinking she's the "one who got away."

The best thing to do now is to evaluate who you are and what you want. If you want a fwb situation, there's nothing wrong with that. It allows you to lead your life on only your time and effort.

But if you want something more, then the word "no" needs to be applied to a whole host of issues. No to a fwb, no to handing a phone over every time someone gets mad at you, no to deleting personal contacts you enjoy having.

Healthy adults aren't going to be jealous and possessive unless there becomes a need to be so. So, show what Trust looks like and if somebody has a problem, talk it through. If that is more of an argument than you care to have, then that person isn't right for you.

1 Reply

@neptuneblue,

I did love her though, or at least I feel like I did. I don’t know. I’m just missing her a lot right now tbh. I’ve even thought about going to the bars to try and get over her, but even the thought of a different girl right now is just not it for me. I don’t know if it’s because I made a mistake, or just because I’m so lonely. I mean I broke up with her three weeks ago and haven’t left my house at all. I have no friends. I have nothing to do ever. I’m just so lonely man

1 Reply

@Alwayyonthemove,

You are using women to mask your deficiencies in your personality. You're not choosing quality, you're choosing quantity, As such, the women you've brought into your life aren't healthy relationships for you and this last one turned out to be downright toxic.

Try to reflect upon yourself instead of projecting onto others your inner chaos. Find yourself and things to occupy your time other than sex with people who don't care about you. Learn a new skill, hobby or activity.

I don't know you or your likes but here's some suggestions:

-Take a cooking, bartending or creative writing class.
-Learn to sew, weld, woodworking or garden.
-Volunteer at a senior center, VFW or animal shelter.
-Join a gym, automotive club or poker/card club.
-Update your resume and use existing contacts to help find a new position.

All these things make you more of an interesting person and elevates your perception of how to interact with people of all ages and sexes.

Get out of the house without expecting to meet someone for the sole purpose of a sexual experience. You're bored and at loose ends. Find something you can connect with and explore new things. That way, your next relationship is based on something substantive, not superficial.

1 Reply

@neptuneblue,

Yeah, I know I do that if I’m being honest. I’m starting therapy next week to help with my issues. Not trying to have you be a therapist, but I grew up never having any friends. The few I made in highschool decided they hated me afterward and told me to **** off. Since then I’ve never made guy friends, only girl “friends.” That’s not really where it all began though. Since early childhood from basically all my family and others I was told that getting girls is more important than anything else in life. I grew up insecure, and awkward because I never understood how to talk to them and placed way to much pressure on myself to do so. My dad even used to boast about the hundreds of woman he’d slept with, not realizing how that damaged me. I never had a girlfriend till after highschool, and now it seems whenever I find a girl that likes me I automatically jump into things. I’m hoping therapy will help me work through these issues though

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