"Hugs don't pay the bills!"

Right now my wife and I are in the middle of a major disagreement. For some time now we have been struggling to keep our heads above water and pay bills. Yes we both work but with inflation going up and the cost of everything rising salaries are staying the same. We would pay bills 50/50. That worked out fine for a while but now it is not working for me. We have a joint account but that pretty much stays on zero from one month till the next. We really only use it to pay our rent and cell phone bill each month. When those bills are due we both put half into it and pay the bill. We, as a married couple, have never put everything into one account. My wife doesn't want it that way. Why? Because when she was married the first time her husband was a drugged out alcoholic and was always in trouble with the law. She said that she would come home some days and he'd pawned her car or their living room furniture was gone where he'd sold it for drugs. She has told me on several occasions that no one will ever have control over her money again. For several months now I've been trying to tell her that 50/50 on the bills is no longer working for me. I'd get paid then pay bills and do a few things around the house grocery wise and by Monday I'm down to less than $100 and that has to last me for 2 weeks till I get paid again. Not to mention that I haven't even put gas in my truck. My wife, on the other hand thinks 50/50 works for her because she is left with extra money each payday. We both work from home and several times a week she'll get food delivered for her lunch while I'm in the kitchen frying an egg to eat or doing leftovers from the night before. My wife has to go every morning and get her a cappuccino from the gas station down thee street. However, she claims to not drink coffee. I use to do that. I'd go every morning to Starbucks or McDonald's and get a large coffee until I sat down and figured out how much I was spending. My mom bought me a cheap coffee maker so I started brewing a pot of coffee everyday. So now I'm not spending money of coffee nor am I wasting gas going to get it.

In looking at how we do things for the past few weeks I've been telling my wife the 50/50 arrangement is no longer working because I'm usually broke 2 or 3 days after my pay day once bills are paid. I suggested we start putting all but $200 into the joint account from our paychecks and pay bills that way. So if I bring home $1000, $800 goes into the joint and I'll keep $200 into my personal account for whatever I want to do with it. My wife refuses to do that because she doesn't want to be limited to just $200 from one paycheck till the next and she said she was not going to cut out going to get coffee. I look at it this way. When bills are getting behind and you're trying to get yourself on a budget or just a better way of paying then you need to tighten the belt a little and cut back on some things. She's refusing to budge on my suggestion but she won't throw out a suggestion of her own either. Her suggestion is to just leave things as they are because that works for her. How can you sleep at night knowing you have money to do what you want but your spouse is having to borrow gas money? My wife makes more than me plus she can get OT on her job from time to time. I don't. If my manager sees I'm going to have more than 40 hours a week he'll send me an email telling me to clock out 15 minutes early today. Just this past Tues, the 2 day of the week, he told me to clock out 20 minutes early because as of the end of the day I'd have slightly more than 16 hours on the week.

A few weeks ago my wife's cousin's daughter reached out to her telling her/us that her dad was throwing her mom, my wife's cousin, a surprise birthday dinner in our city and a really nice restaurant. They live about an hour away from us and she wanted to know if we could be there as a surprise. At that time we said yes. This a a rooftop restaurant with views over looking our city and for two people the bill could easily run over $100. We alternate nights who cooks and since the birthday dinner is tomorrow night, which is my night to cook or pay, my wife was expecting me to foot the bill. When I told her I was down to about $12 in my account she looked at me and said, "well, I'm still going." This again is my dilemma. She has more money than me but is not willing to do anything to help readjust our finances. She thinks it's totally okay that we have separate budgets and I just need to budget better.

But here's the kicker. This is goes back to the title of my post. Anytime I want to discuss finances with my wife she automatically changes the subject to her emotional needs not being met. I don't hug her enough. I don't give her enough kisses. I don't cuddle with her at night anymore. I'm sorry but when you're worried about paying the power bill or internet bill so you can continue to work from home the last thing on my mind is holding her hand while we're sitting on the sofa watching TV. She never wants to discuss finances but loves to say how she's not feeling loved. I'm sorry but I do not see how hugs and affection are going to solve our financial issues. And if she's saying if I hugged her more then she'd help out more that to me constitutes a hostage/ransom situation. "Unless I start getting the affection I want / deserve then I'm going to hold back on helping to pay the bills." Do you deserve hugs and affection when you sound more like you want to just be roommates and only contribute half of everything? I can give you 20 hugs a day but is that going to make you come up off more money? And then after a while are you going to think "is he hugging me because he wants to or because the water bill is due and he doesn't have his half this month?" I say it all he time that I'd rather be broke as long as the bills are paid compared to having money in my account and something is about to be cut off. But I refuse to keep staying broke when my wife, my partner, is sitting on money to order Grubhub or Postmates food deliveries, got get her coffee every morning, or just to go get her hair and nails done every few weeks. "Every woman gets her hair and nails done so I'm not going to stop that." Ok, well we can be sitting in the dark with your beautiful new hairstyle or your gel nail polish.

Am I wrong here? Should I just continue to pay half of the bills then just start asking her for gas money or to foot the bill when we go out to eat every time? When she orders her lunch to be delivered tell her to order me something too.