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Husband cheated on me and family took his side

 
 
Reply Wed 21 Sep, 2022 11:33 am
I am newly wed and about a month after we married, I found out that my husband had cheated on me multiple times. At the time, his parents had moved in with us so when I had found out, they had as well unfortunately. I have been very close with them since we started dating, so I was devastated when his entire family took his side in order to convince me that what he did wasn't that bad (because I was saying I wanted a divorce). His mother even insulted and spoke down to me to make me feel as if I was the problem for wanting to leave. Needless to say, I left anyway and while I was wanting a divorce for a while, I have decided to give him a second chance. I am still married.

I no longer live with his parents and honestly I really don't want to see them again after this betrayal from people I once considered my family. I don't want to stop my husband from seeing them, but even thinking about seeing their faces again makes me feel ill. I still love my husband and I want things to work but I can honestly say that I will never love them again. It feels wrong because I have always made being friendly and respectful with in-laws a priority since I first started dating in high school and I don't want to cause my husband conflict in his family, but I really cannot help how I feel. I'm not sure what to do.
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Type: Question • Score: 3 • Views: 302 • Replies: 7
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CalamityJane
 
  2  
Reply Wed 21 Sep, 2022 03:05 pm
@Jurassicore1996,
Forget about your in-laws, you're not married to them. What about your husband? Have you worked through the infidelity? You are still newly weds and he's cheating on you already, what will happen in the future?
If I were you, I'd divorce him , chalk it up as learning experience and move on.
Good luck!
Jurassicore1996
 
  1  
Reply Wed 21 Sep, 2022 04:03 pm
@CalamityJane,
Thank you for the advice. This is something I have been considering since I found out. We're working on our relationship and the infidelity currently. As for me: I'm trying to be cautious as I just want to see where this goes and if he follows through with his promises of change. My husband is a bit of a troubled person so I really think this is the last hope for him honestly and I will always love him and want the best for him even if we end up divorcing. I am trying to be careful with my feelings though - as much as I can at the very least. I realize that this is against my better judgement but I like to give people a chance to fix things if they have the desire and drive to do so.
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RPhalange
 
  1  
Reply Wed 21 Sep, 2022 05:13 pm
@Jurassicore1996,
Just remember, your husband caused the problem and your in-laws added to it. They really should not have been involved and gave their opinion period.
In that sense, you should not feel guilty for your feelings. Tell your husband how you feel about it and at this point you do not want to have anything to do with them. No discussion further on the subject.

As far as working together as a couple, whether it will work or your husband will truly be faithful, we cannot know, we do not know him, it is really how you feel and how you both work it through.

A couples counseling may help both of you and give you steps how to build trust again and also to help you work through your own feelings. And if you say your husband has certain issues, this could help him. Whether you stay together or not, having someone to talk with could help you.
neptuneblue
 
  1  
Reply Wed 21 Sep, 2022 06:53 pm
@Jurassicore1996,
What I'm seeing is you taking out your anger and hurt and frustration and landing it on people who are by design, supposed to have unconditional love for their family. They advised you to press on, forgive, most likely to forget, the betrayal infidelity has caused.

It's normal to feel exactly what you're feeling. It's ok to be mad and hurt and not want anything to do with the family members who tried to persuade you this isn't a big deal.

Forget them. They do not have your best interests at heart.

Here's the kicker - either does the one who caused this heartache to begin with. You seem to forgive your husband much easier than the people that actually didn't cheat on you. You'll have to ask yourself why forgiveness comes at his family's expense and not his.

It is not your concern how he is perceived by his family - he needs to own up to his wrong doing and atone to you, then his family. Your thought pattern should not have any concern how they think, or feel, about his cheating on YOU. Let them vent to him, advise him, console him and make excuses to him.

Don't let outsiders dictate what happens next. It's not their call.

Although I don't have high expectations of a long lasting marriage, at least know no one can tell you how to react to a misdeed placed upon your shoulders. The decision to stay or go is yours and yours alone,
Jurassicore1996
 
  1  
Reply Thu 22 Sep, 2022 06:28 am
@RPhalange,
Thank you for your answer. We are looking into going to a couples therapist though we haven't begun that kind of therapy yet. My husband is currently going to independent therapy sessions now though and it seems to be going well with him so I guess we will see.
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Jurassicore1996
 
  1  
Reply Thu 22 Sep, 2022 06:41 am
@neptuneblue,
Thank you for your comment. While I agree with 95% of what you're saying, I will have to disagree with your assessment that I'm more forgiving of my husband than his family though as an outsider of the situation I can definitely see why you would think that. A big part of this with me is that my husband has shown remorse for his actions and the way it made me feel and at least shows a desire to change because of that. His family, to this day, could not care less and has even harassed me and my family (namely my mother who has had to block their numbers) after the fact against my husband's wishes. While I understand that they are his family and will always support him (which is something I have considered) there was absolutely no excuse for the awful way they have treated me. I also would just like to point out that my family and I have done many things for this family which they seem to be entirely ungrateful for. I completely understand always wanting to be on your family's side but if the roles were reversed, my parents would have been beside themselves with anger at me and I don't see that as an excuse. I completely understand why you might think that though.
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Sat 24 Sep, 2022 05:45 am
@Jurassicore1996,
His parents raised him so you can see a certbehavioral pattern. This all bodes poorly. I’d wash my hands of the whole lot of them and start over. Take your losses and learn from th experience. Sorry but this is something you don’t want to hear. The whole lot of them aren’t trustworthy. Especially due to the poor treatment of you and your mother.
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