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Mon 22 Aug, 2022 07:10 am
My wife . . . . . has all there marriage rules and mandates that she thinks I should follow. One of her things is that if there is something going on with her she shouldn't have to just come out and tell me. As a caring husband I should always ask her. There have been times when she'd go to the doctor for whatever reason, her pinky toe hurts, her uterus fell, she has a horn growing out of her arm, anything that she feels the need to go get checked out. When she comes back from the doctor I should immediately ask, "hey dear, how was your doctor's appointment" or "what did the doctor say about that extra foot growing on your back?" It could be something as simply as a yearly physical but if I don't ask the minute she pulls the key out of the door then, to her, that means I just don't care about her. Maybe I look at things from the other side of the coin. If there is something wrong I would expect you to come out and just tell me. She gets mad at me because I don't ask. There have been times when she'd have something to say or talk about but she wouldn't open her mouth to bring it up because we should be so in tune until I should just sense there's something wrong.
A few weeks ago she got covid and had to sleep in the other bedroom for a week or so. In that room we have a large air mattress that was in there when her son stayed with us earlier this year. We just never deflated it. After a few days sleeping on the mattress she said that her back didn't bother her as much. Since coming back to our bedroom she said that her back was bothering her again. Yesterday we seemed to just get on each other's nerves most of the day. Yesterday morning I was getting ready for church and I was checking my email on my phone and noticed that my oldest daughter had tagged me in a Facebook post so I was checking that. I didn't have my glasses on so I was frowning and squinting trying to focus. Wifey walks into the room and asked why I was frowning and I told her I was trying to focus on something on FB. Instead of just saying, "well why don't you put on your glasses" she just assumed I was lying to her and hiding something from her so she storms out of the room mad. Again, assuming I was just lying to her. That set the tone for the day.
Last night she decided to sleep in the spare bedroom and when I didn't ask her why she wasn't in the bed with me, again she got angry. My thinking was this. (A) We haven't gotten along most of the day and I figured she just wanted some space or (B) her back was bothering her again and she just wanted to sleep in there for some relief. She comes into the bedroom this morning and said she was upset that I didn't ask her why she was sleeping in the other bedroom and I looked at her and said, "you were 5 feet on the other side of the hall. You didn't leave the house and go check into a hotel or stay at your sister's. Why did I need to ask?" She said that she's tired of having to always be the one to come out and say things to me. I should ask her because that shows I care."
I guess in this situation neither of us are wrong, well my wife thinks I'm wrong, but if you're in a relationship do you expect your mate to always ask you what's wrong or do you just tell them? No one is a mind reader and a facial expression can mean a lot of different things. Do you always ask your mate stuff before they have to come out and tell you? Or if you have something to say do you sit quietly waiting on them to ask you what's wrong or do you just start talking? If I go get a yearly physical and the doc tells me everything looks good I go back home. There's really nothing to tell, unless I got some bad news. If I walk in the house and don't say anything to the wife then she's mad. This sort of flips the script on her scenario. When I don't tell her something about me then she's mad she had to ask. But when she has something to say she expects me to ask.
@Barry2021,
I think it can be both. She should just tell you what it going on and you should ask more.
This is really one of those "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars" things. You sound like you communicate just to get information. She sounds like she communicates to get emotional support. You need to meet each other half way. I will say if my wife decided to sleep in the other room I would definitely ask what is going on. That didn't set off any alarm bells for you? Also, maybe it is time to invest in a good mattress for your bed. (I think that is what she is telling you.)
@engineer,
engineer wrote:
I think it can be both. She should just tell you what it going on and you should ask more.
This is really one of those "Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars" things. You sound like you communicate just to get information. She sounds like she communicates to get emotional support. You need to meet each other half way. I will say if my wife decided to sleep in the other room I would definitely ask what is going on. That didn't set off any alarm bells for you? Also, maybe it is time to invest in a good mattress for your bed. (I think that is what she is telling you.)
She had already said that sleeping on the air mattress helped her back so "I assumed" she was sleeping in there because of that fact. And in turn, I was right. My problem was that I didn't ask. Again, she didn't go check into a hotel, she just slept in the next bedroom. Again, neither of us are wrong but it seems that I'm always wrong when it comes to her. Yes, I could have asked. But again, yes, she could have just come out and said it. I'm not disputing that I shouldn't ask more but I guess I look at things this way. We're both in our early 50s and have been together more than 20 years. I guess I'm just fed up with how things are going here. We have been living in a rental house for almost as long as we've been together. We have zero savings and she refuses to combine our incomes. However, she wants us to move into a new rental house or even buy a house. I told her I'm not moving from one rental to another rental. When I move I want it to be into a house we're purchasing but she is so secretive with her finances until I don't see that happening any time soon. It's like she's hiding her money from me. I don't care that she makes more than me, but it's not that much more. Remember, I posted a forum some time about about when I discussed with her about combining our incomes and working on and from a budget her response was "you're not going to spend my money!" Ok, now she wants us to buy a new bed or at least a mattress. I told her I refuse to make anymore major purchases with our incomes still divided. But bottom line, she wants us to be more of a married couple but only to an extent. We should be caring and concerned about each other to the point to if I see an expression on her face I should just ask her what's wrong. BUT, as a married couple we should keep our money separate but still go on vacations each year, make major purchases like buying furniture, or even look into buying a house of our own. And as you know, a descent mattress is not going to be cheap. If she wants something that will help her back then we're going to have to drop a pretty penny on it.
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