I’m struggling with my ex (rape)?

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I guess I don’t know where else to go to to get this out…
I’m sorry it’s so long.
I was married for over 10 years and he decided it was over (said he was no longer in love and tried to find another girl while married) last September our divorce was finalized.
Ever since he has contacted me, for a while it was daily (calls/texts) even coming over on the weekends, or asking me to come over his house.
And though I did not want sex, I did enjoy the comfort and familiar companionship. We would cuddle and sleep (literally sleep together). And though I didn’t want to have sex, we would though I told him “No” he pushed and persisted. I guess it’s technically rape as I did not consent, even telling him ‘please don’t’ ‘stop’ while he was pushing inside me.
I am still in love with him. And I know he is using me. Part of my issues stem from sexual childhood abuse, and I struggle to stand my ground.
I feel like it is my fault for allowing him over, and to consent to being close (the cuddling and sleeping over) like it’s an excuse to force himself on me, is my own fault. I feel like it’s my fault because I don’t physically push him away hard enough, like I do physically push at him but it feels halfhearted, so he doesn’t listen, and therefore it’s my fault?
Anyway, the other day he came over. Made it seem as if he just wanted to talk and it’d been a while since I’d seen him. Prior to that I had drawn a line in the sand, stating I did not want sex, and would not see him anymore in person because he would not respect my boundaries. He respected it for a while (a month maybe?) then came over the other day under the guise of a conversation, and I stupidly, foolishly allowed him to, not thinking he would try anything.
But as soon as he came through the door, he was on me. Pushed me to the bedroom, and was on top of me. Meanwhile the whole time I’m pleading with him not to. I even found out he’d been with someone else for the first time since before we were together (over 13 yrs ago) He told me this while he was simultaneously trying to enter me. I cried and pleaded again with him that I did not want to, and that he made me feel like trash. Using me, after being with someone else.
He insisted that with her it was just sex, and that he missed me, that he wanted to feel loved. He says he wants to be with me, wants a family with me (desperately wants to have a child - it was unprotected sex even though I told him no after being with her and begged for him to at least use a condom - but he came in me)
I know he is using me, not just sexually, but emotionally too because he’s terribly lonely. Is not close with any family, his mom recently died, and has literally zero friends. I know he wants my love and adoration, wants the way I make him feel, physically and emotionally, but he’s not willing to change or offer me anything in return.
He’s the one who split up our marriage, he’s the one who said he no longer loves me and tried (failed - rejected) to cheat while we were married. But now says he loves me again, and wants to be with me.
He is a heavy smoker, he’s drinking a lot (never used to) to the point of drinking and driving multiple times, and smoking pot ALL THE TIME - like it’s become an expensive habit for him he can’t afford (struggles to pay bills as is).
Just a side note: I see nothing wrong with weed by itself, occasionally or medically, but when it becomes dependent it’s an issue.
He offers me a family (which I want - long story as to why we haven’t before) which I want, but not with him in his current state. And he’s refusing to change. Doesn’t see the need.
I’m a very religious person and I try to have high morals. I don’t believe in sex outside of marriage, so this is eating me alive that it keeps happening. (Not just spiritually but emotionally/mentally too because of allowing him to use me).
I want my husband (whoever that ends up being) to share my love of God and desire to live a healthy life, encouraging one another physically and spiritually.
And he does not want that, he doesn’t see how it could even be a good thing for any kids we have.

I’m struggling with how to protect myself from him, because I can’t seem to get him to respect me or my boundaries when he’s physically near. I know I could file charges for sexual assault, (not just the rape itself, but read too that a man ejaculating without consent is a form of assault too) but honestly I don’t want the headache and I know it’s stupid but I don’t want to put him through that (I love him). I know also part of me feels I deserve it, and it’s my fault anyway.

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@Crackers,

Yep, he's raping you.

Are you in therapy for your abuse? If not, then why not?If you don't want him arrested (because yes, even you can call the cops on his sorry ass), then here are a few ideas.

1) If he says he wants to talk, tell him you'll meet him in an hour at the local diner (or its equivalent). Hang up, go for a walk or a drive and get to the meeting place on time (no more than 5 minutes early). If he's not there, give him until 15 minutes after you were supposed to meet, and leave if he doesn't show.

Your time is valuable and you don't have to cater to his every whim.

2) If he still has keys to your place, change the locks or ask the landlord to. And while you're at it, add a deadbolt if you don't already have one.

3) Get on the pill, get an IUD, whatever you and your doctor decide is best for you. You are sexually active (whether you're happy about it or not), and need to stop relying on him or anyone else for your protection. You are damned lucky you haven't gotten pregnant from his assaults (because that's what they are).

Take charge of your life. Get your own reliable birth control and own condoms and know how to use them.

Don't tell me your religion forbids it.

Any religion that would not have you literally save your own life (since he could pass you all sorts of diseases) doesn't have your best interests at heart.

4) Go out and meet other people. Not for sex if you don't want that. Meet them to talk, laugh, and do something that doesn't involve alcohol. As in, join a bowling league, go to the local beach or park and ask to join an impromptu frisbee game. Join a reading group. Or whatever floats your boat. This isn't necessarily to date anyone, but don't automatically discount that as a possibility.

Spend time with other people and be unavailable.

To him, you're his **** buddy who is available at the drop of a hat, and doesn't even need sweet talk or foreplay.

So stop being all of these things.

But I still think you should call the cops.

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@Crackers,

Nope it is not rape. You admit you love him in your sentence. You want children with him. You guys are more then lovers. Just tell him "I want you to leave the other person first and get married to me again". That is what is wrong with your relationship.

It is like my father getting close to my mother despite her not wanting him to.
Or even him doing things with my mother. My father was with my mother for five years, the only reason why she needed room was because their argumentation went from mental to physically abusing and I was caught in the cross-fire. Even afterwards my father was in her life, providing her things, and attempting to look for place for her to live.

The reality my dad wants to be with my mom but this other woman ( whom he committed adultery with ) have him on a invisible leash. She is literally paying for his living expenses, and even told him "you could go" but the problem is that my dad wants my mom to accept him before he leaves. It has been like this forever.

Speaking of which I have an opposite problem. I go into girls apartments and they give me food, they have boyfriends but the relationship is about income and not love. A lot of them the guys even sleep around. Point being is that I do not want to be used. Clearly she wants me to assault her but I do not want to play that game. It is like something out "Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde".

She wants the Dr. for his money but takes it from whichever Mr. Hyde that rolls her way. I do not want to feel like a human vibrator.

You was/are married. In religion having sex is basically a type of marriage.

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@jespah,

They are in a marriage. However it turns them both on to be in a date mode ( like teenagers ). Everything described is basically what a young sexually active relationship is. They feel more comfortable in that mode.

Again he is not physically abusing to have sex. He is just being so friendly with her because they both know each other beyond that method. Like their are girls that wants me to want them but I hold back. I could grab them, hug them, and even go inside of them. They might fight back but they will accept me time after time.

She is welcoming him into her life and they literally are and have been together. Their is nothing wrong with that relationship.

She wants kids and love him. She is just not laying down the "idea" that he has to be with her and her alone. She is just happy to have him in her life.
Or to have anybody at all.

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@PoliteMight,

Where do you come up with all this nonsense?

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@jcboy,

What specifically ? Again specifically ? Because I wrote like four things towards one/two subjects.

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@PoliteMight,

So? You've never heard of marital rape? It exists.

She's screaming and crying and he's ******* her anyway.

That's not what a young sexually active relationship is like—not even one where the parties are into S&M.

She is not comfortable. He is forcing her. There is nothing friendly about that.

She is also vulnerable due to a history of being abused.

BTW I have seen a ton of abused folks come through here and inevitably many of them will say they "love" the person who's trying to put their eye out. They don't. They have what is called battered spouse syndrome (even if they're not married).

She can want kids until the cows come home. She may even think he'd be a dandy sperm donor.

He's still an abuser, and he is still raping her.

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@PoliteMight,

PoliteMight wrote:

They are in a marriage.

No, they are not married, they are divorced. You must have missed that, go back and re-read the opening paragraph.

PoliteMight wrote:

However it turns them both on to be in a date mode ( like teenagers ).

No, none of this turns OP on. At all.

PoliteMight wrote:

Everything described is basically what a young sexually active relationship is.

No, a sexually active relationship does not involve rape.

PoliteMight wrote:

They feel more comfortable in that mode.

No, OP is not comfortable with the situation. At all.

PoliteMight wrote:

Again he is not physically abusing to have sex.

Yes, he is.

PoliteMight wrote:

He is just being so friendly with her because they both know each other beyond that method.

These are not "friendly" actions. These are abusive actions.

PoliteMight wrote:

Like their are girls that wants me to want them but I hold back. I could grab them, hug them, and even go inside of them. They might fight back but they will accept me time after time.

You've just outed yourself as a rapist.

PoliteMight wrote:

She is welcoming him into her life and they literally are and have been together. Their is nothing wrong with that relationship.

They are not together and OP does not want to be abused any more.

PoliteMight wrote:

She wants kids and love him. She is just not laying down the "idea" that he has to be with her and her alone. She is just happy to have him in her life.

OP divorced her husband, She is not happy with him in her life.

PoliteMight wrote:

Or to have anybody at all.

This is exactly what OP wants.

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@Crackers,

Crackers wrote:

I’m struggling with how to protect myself from him, because I can’t seem to get him to respect me or my boundaries when he’s physically near. I know I could file charges for sexual assault, (not just the rape itself, but read too that a man ejaculating without consent is a form of assault too) but honestly I don’t want the headache and I know it’s stupid but I don’t want to put him through that (I love him). I know also part of me feels I deserve it, and it’s my fault anyway.

I saw this meme the other day:

Sometimes I just want someone to hug me and say,
"I know it's hard. It's going to be ok.
Here's a coffee and five million dollars."

Well, I don't have a cool mil laying around and I don't like coffee. But what I can do is listen, be a shoulder to lean on and give words of encouragement to people who need it the most.

So, yeah. It's going to be okay.

None of this is your fault, please know that and believe that. You need Time and Space away from him. Please stop seeing him so frequently and under no circumstance, see him alone. He cannot be trusted.

There's a divorce concept called Low/No Contact. Read up on that. There's really nothing holding this relationship together anymore. To combat those lonely feelings, try different activities, join clubs, an exercise class, a self defense class or go back to school.

Try different things to occupy your time and thoughts. Give yourself 30 days without seeing him. Sure, think about him if you must, but do not initiate contact or agree to see him.

Start a journal of everyday Life. Post it here if you want. Yes, it hurts. And I'm sorry about that. But you need to learn about Self Care, how to put you and your needs first, above anything else.

You've made the first, hardest step by reaching out. Please continue to do so. People will listen. Some will only read and not comment. Of course there will be a random idiot who posts garbage. Ignore trolls and focus on the Good.

You got this. You will be okay.

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@jespah,

Let me tell you a real problematic relationship. She was eighteen. Older guy who was abusive to her, His mother held her like a prostitute and went through her things. He broke a window in grandmothers place where she was staying at, and had the police called on him, ( which he fled ). She got pregnant and left her with a scar on her face. Restraining order for stupidity. THAT IS EVIL AND JUST PLAIN WRONG. To top it off his mother claimed "he went insane once he found out his father was not his father and was downhill from their on"
......................

They are married and love each other and despite that she wants children with him. In reality the marriage is suppose to be like a military rank. Where the husband has command and the wife is his second in command. When you cross the pot-holes of life he is suppose to ask for her advice.

Now we talk about the flesh and body, the same goes hand in hand. He is the predator and she is the prey. He is in heat and he has the hose to make some steamy, smelly, sweaty, sex. Again despite signals IT IS USUALLY THE MAN JOB TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE.

Again that being said looking at the scenario I am thankful all they are doing is having random sex. It is normal between them. Rather then somebody killing somebody else or bringing "the state" into their lives. Again I understand problematic relationships.
..............

It is called separation of the sexes and from couples arguing via lovers quarrels to having make up sex is all part of marriage. Her screaming ( despite being married or not ) is not "rape".

Rape-criminal is when you use force against access to somebody in order to get sex from them.

That being said many women enjoy the idea of guy taking them out of notice and many girls I know even put themselves in a position. If a girl ever did not want me, she would make it clear "I have a boyfriend" and "It is a monogamous relationship". Some gals I know as sex addicts and I literally
( have to ask this question ) before I do anything else, because despite any signals they give me, they obviously have an image to upload.

That being said a lot of rich bitches, witches, and flat out Jezebels are open for business, but you will only realize this unless you interact with them enough. Again many relationships are business relationships. She is only there to show that their son is not a homosexual, or she is in it for the money, or she brings him other girls to have sex with ( like some crazy religious text ),
or she is just one his girls and she has what she has on the side.

Point I am making in the real world ( where money is not a matter and people create foundations to fuel their livelihoods despite being false charities ), having sex is like reading a book, or turning on the television, or the view-screen from "logans-run". People are just numbers.

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@neptuneblue,

neptuneblue your the idiot posting random stuff.
1. A meme??
2. Maybe it is her fault. Reality....he wanted to leave her. Again reality he is the one that said "I want out" but she just wants things to be the way they were before it escalated to separation....etc.
3. She loves him and wants children ( most likely from him ).
4. All you said so far is to do stupid rubbish, which does not make her happy. He will make her happy and if she enjoys being used, abused, and taken advantage of by her wedded husband then so be it. Life is more then papers with scribbles.

I am going to sum up the words.

1. she enjoys it.
2. They know each other very well.
3. She is already said "She loves him" "It was his decision to leave" ( meaning she wants him back in her life ), and "she wants children".
4. Being married is more then paper.
5. He is not some downtown boy inside the uptown girls apartment like "Deathwish". He is his husband and she is his wife who loves him and would be happy enough to have him back in her life.
6. Your brainwashed separation of the sexes have no place in the normal heterosexual world. All these fem-nazi's came out of the closest. They are just man hating Lesbians with penis envy. You need to wake up and realize the bs you have been given and start enjoy your place in the world, with the opposite sex.

Reality he is just taking a break from his marriage but like any fish to bait keeps coming back for more. The innocent girl wants her dirty dog of a man. She wants to vent then let her vent but again do not dare think this is bs.

According to you most of our family members would be deleted. You might as well join the Wicked Witch of the East wherever she ended up. This is a man and woman, having some altercations. They need each other.

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This sounds like the best ever recipe for a long and happy life "This is a man and woman, having some altercations. They need each other."

In other words, he likes to hit women, and she thinks he loves her because he hits her. Absolute heaven.

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@glitterbag,

At least she doesn't have to worry about a lot of competition.

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@PoliteMight,

PoliteMight wrote:

I am going to sum up the words.

I feel sympathy for you, I really do. Many people throughout your life must have told you to temper your thoughts, to quit acting so belligerently and don't lash out at the world for your own mistakes and poor choices.

Repeating nastimess may be the only way you feel you can represent yourself. Rest assured, it isn't. You can strive for better. It takes practice, patience and empathy.

I know those concepts are foreign to you so I suggest finding a councilor that can help you understand how and why your bitterness towards the world can be eased.

Good luck to you.

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@neptuneblue,

Seriously now your attempting and pretending to act civilized but your being verbal abusive. I had a better upbringing then most people have. If anything
I was told that violence is not the first answer and try many things before turning to it. Like right now my "pen" is mightier then most "swords". I was shielded from the stupidity of the world. Otherwise I might have actually accept the nonsense your attempt to word. For the most part I do not look back on my life, or have "regret" syndrome bs. I take what life gives me and I work with it. Just like the Statue of Liberty model. "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free". I take what life give me.

You have to be strong, brave, and courageous. Anger is a tool, like any other tool. That rush of chemicals can encourage a person to do many things. Not just tell them to take it easy or sit down bs from some dim witted twenty year old, who think they know it all. I took care of my grandmother I made a vow, "I will keep her alive, I will keep her happy" and one of her sons ( my uncle ) said "Make sure you make her angry I am tired of hearing my mother talk so soft and peaceful". Well I did not have to do that because my father found a way ( like he always do ) to make her upset as with many other people in his life. He think he is "The Graduate" in his "duuuude" and "mannnnn" generation. Hate is power, anger is power, and you can do with joy and love as well.

Just Adam would say to Eve "Give me back my rib". Angry sex is the best sex, it is great to have sex after argumentation, or even during augmentation. It is like me kissing a girl at random in public or hugging her, to thrusting inside of her in private. She just stares at me and goes into ____ mode no different then when I play videogames and go into _____ mode.

You want a normality between the sexes not some cold fish or captain-nice-guy who leaves you with nothing in your pants. The reality there are no normal couples it is all insanity, ups and downs, ins and outs.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMb-su4DZTQ

That is a normal relationship. Not just the bs we show to our parents, co-workers, and other non-for-profit lib-tards, when we sign on the dotted line to agree to mindless subsidiary robots to collect some kind of paycheck from our jobs that are only there because nobody wants to be responsible, honest, or where the "trust-system" fails entirely. That is not how a relationship is, that is slavery in exchange for income because otherwise the workplace would be with a bunch of animalistic hecklers from grade school that are sitting in the back of the welfare/job office/centre who could care what rules are to follow. That is where all of the bs your preaching is coming from.

This woman is free to do what she wants, and so far she wants this man child and his time inside her is time better spent. Great all sex is rape. Why? Because "One person wants it more then the other". Blazes we go back to our grandparents and great grandparents within doubt I bet you would see the reality. In fact I believe if my grandmother was born during my generation a good chance she would not be able to have barely anything normal to the house, $6000 apartment, or car in her name as she did back in the 1970's. Even then she was a grandmother from birth of 1927. In comparison to the my cousin of my age who spent her life in an asylum being pumped full of drugs and even attempted to escape, and then be put into some kind of religious institute.

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@PoliteMight,

Addressing your inaccurate and abysmal posts is not verbally abusive, it's responsible action. When you continue to post about your disturbing childhood and how that has affected your perception of relationships, it becomes quite clear how dysfunctional you are.

Please seek help from qualified councilors, as you definitely need it.

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@neptuneblue,

neptuneblue = brainwashed prescribing brainwashed methodology.

We all need to burn government dollars so we could be prescribed rocks, end up in a dead-end job working neck and neck with sheeple, moving from cell-bock-H to cell-block-D, until we are put into the ground via cell-block-C.
worshipping income into the grave while conforming to confusion.

I’m struggling with my ex (rape)?

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