Lost and lonely

Hi everyone.
I'll just start talking...
I was married for 11 years and have 2 kids with him. He helped me out of a bad relationship and we fell in love. We were inseparable almost. We would even do separate stuff together... Then we moved to another country, came one kid, then struggles with work, then another kid and, in this we changed. He started closing himself, drinking, spending his time Playing video games and overeating. I, on the other hand, blamed myself, for my depression, my PTSD from years of mental, physical and sexual abuse that predated him, the baby blues, his problems and everything. I thought if I just suck it up and work harder - everything would be ok. When I became vegan everything really started breaking - I just lost all faith in humanity and seriously though of killing myself. I got in to therapy and we felt like we needed a fresh start afterwards, so we moved in to a smaller, quieter town, where we bought a house (on the recommendation of my father, who is in the construction, he promised to help us with the renovations) and once again, we felt like before, it was getting better... But everything came crumbling down like once before... He got extremely depressed, started therapy, I continued mine, but, it just seemed like we were really going in our separate ways. For the last few years, I have been buying myself presents for all occasions because he didn't even have the strength to think about what to buy me. I really felt so alone and completely abandoned, but, when I would start to talk about my feelings, he would sight and just say that he doesn't know what to say, until I stopped bothering him with it. I just shoved my feelings deeper and deeper until I became emotionally dead. Nothing made sense and I was just a walking corps... Then I met him. A guy from fb. He was vegan, survived the same trauma's that I had went through and understood me completely. It was so easy to connect with him, and before I knew it, I found myself unable to eat, drink, sleep or think of anything else but spending time with him. I was completely honest with him and talked about me and my husband and he opened my eyes to how bad things were and convinced me that me and my husband were a thing of the past. Tired, depressed, exhausted of trying - seeing how my husband struggled to live with himself, I was convinced I was the problem and if I just disappeared everyone would be much happier, so, I left.
I found a new apartment and moved out. We divorced and I left him the house and the kids because I didn't want to make it harder on him that it already was. I started sinking lower and lower, missed my kids and him more and more day by day... We stayed friends and he told me that he's going back to our country of origin for his vacation and that he has been in contact with a friend that has a crush on him since they were kids and that he's going to go for a drink with her to see were it leads... In the mid time, I continued sinking lower and it seemed like he was doing better without me. I started drinking and drunk texted him one night, he came and took me back from my apartment to, now, his house, and that's how I moved back in.
Since then, the trust has been broken - the only thing that I feel we had. He went on vacation with the kids to visit his family, friends and, amounts others, that girl. As fate has it, at that time, the company I was working for went bankrupt and, just like that, overnight, I lost my job. So, I'm alone, he's there with the kids, having a blast and, I was really trying not to be heavy, but, I needed him and I let him know that, hand he doesn't read his messages for a long time or reads them but replies only hours after. I get emotional and accuse him of not paying attention to me to what he replies "I'm here to spend time with my family and friends and not to chat with you."... I know he loves me, I know he means we'll but, I just feel so alone and unwanted... Meanwhile, he's convincing me that I'm overreacting and that it's all in my head, so, I accept that and I leave him alone. The worst 2 weeks of my life passed and they are back. Since then, he's been texting her but, when I ask about it, he says he's not. He didn't say anyone we are back together and doesn't want me to stop renting my apartment. He forbade the kids to share that information with his family. Everytime they call and I happen to be in the same room, he acts like I'm just visiting to see the kids... This makes me feel even smaller and worthless. I told him that and he said that he can not be rushed and he doesn't know where this leads and that he doesn't want to share our relationship status with anyone... And that includes that girl too. She thinks his available. He still clams that nothing is happening and that he's not communicating with her, but I can see that he has notifications from her. He says it's all in my head and he didn't do anything wrong. When I asked if it was possible for me to read his messages, so I can really be reassured, he declined. I have seen a heart, a kiss and hugs here and there between them too, and I don't think his cheating on me, but, I just feel so lost and alone, so rejected and unwanted, so confused... Am I right, or wrong? Am I crazy? Should I just close my eyes and pretend everything is ok? Should I just ignore everything?... I don't have any friends either, so, yeah, I'm totally confused. If you have any thoughts, please, share them with me. Thank you for reading this atrociously long post.