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Fri 25 Mar, 2022 05:16 am
Serious issue today that I would love some feedback on. It makes me mad and the more I think about it the madder I get. As you guys remember, my daughter had her first child last year. A very happy child and she is loved by the entire family. Our parent's 1st great-grandchild. Well, again, if you remember my daughter went back to work after maternity leave last year and she works at a car dealership so her days off vary from week to week. She's not getting child support from the father as he no longer lives in the state but he'll send her $100 every now and again. With covid as bad as it was a year ago the family decided that it was not the best thing to just put the baby in a daycare so since me and my sister works from home we decided that we would alternate days of the week watching the baby. Both my sister and I are working from home permanently. She's usually at my sister's house 2 days a week and at our house the other 3. That's when my daughter works 5 days a week, Mon - Fri.
Ok, my sister's husband, my brother-in-law, doesn't work and refuses to work. He use to work many years ago then he started selling veggies to some restaurants and some senior living places. That little side hustle was going good up until a few years ago when all that dried up. Now he just sits on their sofa watching CNN all day long while my sister, his wife, works her job in the kitchen. His truck doesn't work anymore and every time he has to go somewhere he has to borrow my sister's car. He can't even put gas in it. About 6 or 8 months ago my sister lined up a job for him at Amazon, I think she had a friend who had some connections and worked out a deal for him to start working again. The job pretty much was his and the day of his interview he decided he wasn't going to go because he would miss not seeing the baby during the week. They literally had everything lined up and all he had to do was come in, take his picture and he had the job. They even worked it out to where he wouldn't have to work on the weekends for church purposes, but he still bailed on the interview / job. Yes, this is the same great-uncle who wanted "Uncle D" on the birthday t-shirt. The Uncle D meant "Uncle Daddy". Now when the baby is at their house he just sits on the sofa and watches her crawl around and he'll feed her. He doesn't change her pamper because he said he's not changing the pamper of anyone else's little girl.
Yesterday, my wife and I had the baby and typically when we have her I'll take her to my parents after I get off work so they can see their great-grandchild. I was talking to my mom and she mentioned that my brother-in-law had said something to my daughter about wanting her to start paying him like $100 a week just to keep the baby. I became furious! " I looked at my mom and said, "he said what?" My mom said again that he wanted my daughter to start paying him to watch the baby a couple of days a week. My blood was boiling. And with my daughter's schedule some weeks she's only there 1 day or some weeks none because she may have the day off on the days she normally goes to their house. My mom told me that he said that with most days cares even if the child doesn't come you still have to pay to keep their spot. Neither me nor my sister charge my daughter for keeping the baby because we're just doing it because she's family and with daycare being so high my daughter can't afford it right now, especially since she's not getting child support. I left to go home and wait on my daughter so she and I could talk. When she came I told her she better not give him a dime. She told me that he told her to let him know how much she can give him. I told my daughter and my wife that we would need to redo the schedule and if the baby needed to come to our house everyday then that's what would happen. My wife was even upset by what our brother-in-law said.
Here's the thing. A number of years ago my B-I-L's father passed away, then about 5 or so years ago his mom died. Their house was left to my B-I-L but he has other siblings. Even though the house was left to him if he ever decided to sell it he would have to get the permission of the other siblings and I think even five them a cut of the sale. My B-I-L's niece and kids live in the house and are "supposed" to be paying rent but they've not paid a dime in quite a while. Word is they are tearing up the house and she's even selling drugs out of the house. Less than a year ago my sister had to take more than $1000 out of her account to pay the taxes on the house before the city came and took the house. The house is fully paid for. Ok, so you have a house that can be used as a rental property and your niece is in it but you're not collecting any rent from her. That was the deal when her and her kids moved in but she's not given you a dime on the house or rent. And, she's tearing up the house. However, you want my daughter to pay you to keep the baby you so affectionately call your own? All you're doing is watching her crawl around and feeding her at lunch time while you sit on the sofa and watch CNN. I can't wait to speak to my B-I-L about this.
How should I approach this? Am I wrong or is he right to expect to be paid to watch the baby 2 days, at most, a week? And he's not even doing all the work. My sister isn't looking for payment and neither am I.
Thoughts?
It must be exhausting being angry with different family members al, the time. If you carry on like this you're going to give yourself a heart attack.
@Barry2021,
I think a lot of your family is lazy and unreasonable.
Why can't you daughter go after the dad? So what if he's out of state? They'll still enforce it. That's problem #1.
Just tell you BIL he's not getting a dime. Period. The lazy bugger hasn't worked in how long? How does your sister put up with him?
@Barry2021,
Just watch some more porn during work hours and stay out of someone else's business.
Really, Barry, you have no room to talk about your brother in law or his marriage when your life is a complete mess.
@Mame,
Mame wrote:
I think a lot of your family is lazy and unreasonable.
Why can't you daughter go after the dad? So what if he's out of state? They'll still enforce it. That's problem #1.
Just tell you BIL he's not getting a dime. Period. The lazy bugger hasn't worked in how long? How does your sister put up with him?
For my daughter to take out child support on him she's have to have his address or SSN which he doesn't have. Plus, he's several states away. Not sure how that works. Would she have to file in our state and they would coordinate with the state he currently lives in? That I don't know.
Anyway, I'm with you. BIL isn't getting a dime. My sister treats him like the child he is. I've never seen a grown ass man who didn't want to work. Maybe it's just me. I enjoy working and love getting paid every couple of weeks to be able to put gas in my own ride, take my wife out to dinner from time to time, stop by a store if I'm thirsty and get something to drink. That's just what grown responsible adults are supposed to do. Again, he hasn't worked in a number of years but he wants to sit around and tell everyone else what to do or how to run their house. He's in his mid 60s, which isn't old these days, but he just prefers sitting at home.
@neptuneblue,
neptuneblue wrote:
Just watch some more porn during work hours and stay out of someone else's business.
Really, Barry, you have no room to talk about your brother in law or his marriage when your life is a complete mess.
Seriously? Nobody's life is perfect nor does everything always go the way they think it should go. Yeah, a lot of men and women watch porn so that's not even an issue here. No my life isn't perfect. We all could make some improvements or changes to make things better but we just deal with things the way they are. But in this case he now wants / expects to be paid to just watch her crawl around.
@Barry2021,
So??
You watch porn on the company's dime while watching her!!
You need to butt OUT!
@Barry2021,
If she went to Child Welfare or whatever it's called there, they can find his SSN and where he is. Court may have to be involved. It's worth it over the long term as she's only 1 right now. Lots of expensive years coming up.
I agree this guy sounds like a loser....BUT this is not your fight. I understand you being irate and venting about it but it is really between your daughter and your BIL and your sister.
I think guiding your daughter like you are is the best way to approach it..maybe give her advice on how she can handle it...you offered to take your granddaughter each day if necessary is very thoughtful and kind. Your daughter could always say I honestly cannot afford to pay and my dad is willing to take the baby each day if necessary.. It is up to you if you want to continue caring for her while I work but I am sorry I cannot pay you.
My guess us the care will continue.. It sounds to me like lazy boy came up with a "brilliant" way to make a little money without getting off his butt.
Curious what your sister thinks...maybe you could ask her.
@Barry2021,
Both Barry and his wife Snow work full time from home. That means they get paid to do a job, not necessarily raise children and watch porn while they earn a paycheck. Barry's daughter isn't alone with struggling to find quality daycare at a reasonable price. She's had a year for FREE, thanks to family members.
As the child gets older and more active, then safety has to become the forefront of the conversation. Since Uncle isn't working, he devotes his time to the child and should be compensated. If Barry's daughter put her child in a day care, would she not expect to pay for the service provided?
The one thing here that does bother me is along the lines if what Neptune is saying....you work from home...how can you care for a young child and also work at the same time. Young children need supervision and attention. How do you properly care for a child and also work?
I know there us some downtime like when they are napping but besides that how do you effectively watch a child, deal with the attention they need and still work?
I know way before covid our company allowed some flex schedules where you might work from home a couple of days and then come in the office the other days. You had to fill out a form explaining the work from home schedule and the impacts on the office, why it would work, etc. It was made clear that this did not replace daycare...meaning if you had a young child the expectation was this child would not need your attention during working hours..ie you had someone else in the home to care for the child or the child was outside the home.
Covid did change that temporarily as schools were closed and daycares were closed, but now the expectation is back.
I understand that as work is paying you to work not care for a child.
@Mame,
Mame wrote:
If she went to Child Welfare or whatever it's called there, they can find his SSN and where he is. Court may have to be involved. It's worth it over the long term as she's only 1 right now. Lots of expensive years coming up.
So true. She's already gone through our city's child support office but they keep telling her that for them to serve him papers they'll need an actual address. He moves around so much. This month he's in MD, next month he'll be in FL then back to NJ. He has family all over so he's not in one place any length of time. Yeah, it sucks that she has to go through it.
@Linkat,
Linkat wrote:
I agree this guy sounds like a loser....BUT this is not your fight. I understand you being irate and venting about it but it is really between your daughter and your BIL and your sister.
I think guiding your daughter like you are is the best way to approach it..maybe give her advice on how she can handle it...you offered to take your granddaughter each day if necessary is very thoughtful and kind. Your daughter could always say I honestly cannot afford to pay and my dad is willing to take the baby each day if necessary.. It is up to you if you want to continue caring for her while I work but I am sorry I cannot pay you.
My guess us the care will continue.. It sounds to me like lazy boy came up with a "brilliant" way to make a little money without getting off his butt.
Curious what your sister thinks...maybe you could ask her.
My BIL is just someone the family tolerates. He loves to tell everyone else how to run their lives but he is constantly having to ask his wife, my sister, for money to get his medicine, or to borrow her car to go somewhere. He's one of those you see coming and you just think to yourself, "oh Lord, here he comes." Again, his niece and her kids are living in their grandparents house rent free because he won't make them pay any rent. The house is paid for so at this point it's just basically paying for the upkeep on it. He's not opened his mouth to his niece so they continue to skate by. But my daughter, he now wants to charge her just to continue to sit on his sofa. Again, if the baby messes her pamper my sister has to change her. And I have no problem if he asks me why my daughter doesn't bring baby to their house anymore saying, "because I don't charge my daughter to watch her." I'm not looking for money to keep my granddaughter. To me, that's us bonding. Remember, I was right there in the delivery room when she took her first breath. I want that little girl to know that her granddaddy will always be there for her no matter what.
@neptuneblue,
neptuneblue wrote:
Both Barry and his wife Snow work full time from home. That means they get paid to do a job, not necessarily raise children and watch porn while they earn a paycheck. Barry's daughter isn't alone with struggling to find quality daycare at a reasonable price. She's had a year for FREE, thanks to family members.
As the child gets older and more active, then safety has to become the forefront of the conversation. Since Uncle isn't working, he devotes his time to the child and should be compensated. If Barry's daughter put her child in a day care, would she not expect to pay for the service provided?
Yes, I work from home and my job has deemed our department "permanent work from home" simply because they leased out our building to another company so there are no chances of us going back in. Do you know how many times I've gotten calls from patients and their are screaming kids in the background? Do you know how many times I get calls from doctor's offices and they employees are working from home? How do I know? I hear their dogs barking in the background. Kids running around, etc. This is the norm. And yes, I look at a little porn from time to time between calls but I'm not doing it all day every day and definitely not when I'm on a call. I'm pretty sure there are guys doing it on their phone while they're in the office or building. I'm in the privacy of my own bedroom, so who cares? I honestly wouldn't put it past any of my co-workers who probably haven't had a quickie between calls. You make it sound like I have my headset on and the volume is blaring loud on my laptop.
And yes, there may come a time when I may get called back into the building but not right now. Yes, at some point my daughter will consider putting her child in day care. But with day cares, those people are trained and licensed to deal with kids. Feedings, naps, changing diapers, etc. How would you like it if you wen to a day care to pick up a child and the person you dropped your child off to was still sitting in the same spot when you dropped your child off and all they were doing or had been doing was sitting there watching CNN or some other TV show?
@Linkat,
Linkat wrote:
The one thing here that does bother me is along the lines if what Neptune is saying....you work from home...how can you care for a young child and also work at the same time. Young children need supervision and attention. How do you properly care for a child and also work?
I know there us some downtime like when they are napping but besides that how do you effectively watch a child, deal with the attention they need and still work?
I know way before covid our company allowed some flex schedules where you might work from home a couple of days and then come in the office the other days. You had to fill out a form explaining the work from home schedule and the impacts on the office, why it would work, etc. It was made clear that this did not replace daycare...meaning if you had a young child the expectation was this child would not need your attention during working hours..ie you had someone else in the home to care for the child or the child was outside the home.
Covid did change that temporarily as schools were closed and daycares were closed, but now the expectation is back.
I understand that as work is paying you to work not care for a child.
The baby is on a pretty good schedule so the wife and I alternate times when she needs to be dealt with. I can throw myself in a quick break if she needs to be changed if my wife hasn't already taken care of it. She naps in the morning and usually wakes up shortly before my lunch break so I feed her when I go to lunch. She's crawling now and taking a few steps learning to walk, so before then we'd put her in her crib, give her enough toys to keep her occupied and turn the TV on Nick Jr or something Now that she's crawling we tend to just let her crawl around. Throw some toys on the floor and leave the living room tv on Nick Jr or some cartoon show. She'll crawl into the kitchen where my wife is and she loves to pull the alphabet magnets off the fridge. Once she's tired of my wife, she's figured out where I am in the bedroom. Every now and then I'll hear her crawl into my room and I'll play with her a little. Give her some Gerber snacks to munch on between feedings and she's good. Mid afternoon she usually takes her second nap for a few more hours. It's a schedule we have managed to make work. No, I'm not bouncing her on my knee while on a phone call. The wife gets off at 4 so after that she has her full attention till I get off at 6.
And yes, with covid shutting down a number of businesses forcing employees to work from home, and especially with schools having to shut down too, as long as your numbers are being met then this job is cool with it. I think most employers had to understand that covid didn't just affect their business, it affected everything. But we make it work.
The child is not getting quality care anyway so relieving Bil of this “duty” is a good idea anyway. (His demand for $ now May be his way of getting out of the job. )
This child would benefit from 2 days being in a quality daycare for a major block of the day. Take the disputed $100 and pay for that.
You and your wife are not going to be able to care for this child five days a week for much longer. Time to get a long range goal that benefits the child, not adults.
@PUNKEY,
PUNKEY wrote:
The child is not getting quality care anyway so relieving Bil of this “duty” is a good idea anyway. (His demand for $ now May be his way of getting out of the job. )
This child would benefit from 2 days being in a quality daycare for a major block of the day. Take the disputed $100 and pay for that.
You and your wife are not going to be able to care for this child five days a week for much longer. Time to get a long range goal that benefits the child, not adults.
If that's all a day care charged was $100 for just 2 days then that probably wouldn't be a problem. However, no day car works that way. If you are signed up with them you pay the full weekly rate whether you bring them 5 days a week or if you bring them 2 days a week. Even if you don't bring your child any that week you still have to pay them.
And secondly, how can you say my wife and I aren't going to be able to take care of her 5 days a week for much longer? That's an assumption you have no basis on That's like me saying to you "you aren't going to be able to watch a child s days a week" because I don't know you at all. I know nothing about your life nor your background. Yes, I've put a lot here on my life but when it comes to my granddaughter I would do whatever it takes to make sure she had what she needed. Where is it written that if a child is not in a "formal" day care setting they are developmentally behind those kids who are. We can teach colors, shapes, and things just like a day care. And honestly. she's only 1. Not much learning you can do for a 1 year old compared to a 4 or 5 year old.
This is simply about someone trying to make a few $$$ off someone else. You want to get paid, get a job. You haven't legitimately work in a number of years. Jobs have been lined up for you and you refused to go take them, why? Because you say you'd miss the baby. BS! I miss my granddaughter(s) when they are not here but I'm not about to quit my job to see them everyday. Remember, your parent's left you their house upon their deaths above all your other brothers and sisters. You allowed your niece to move in and she's living there everyday of the month but you refuse to collect rent from her but you expect to be paid for watching a baby 2 days a week.
@Barry2021,
You are wrong about daycare...most daycares you can bring a child a couple if days a week or a full week, half day or full day. But you typically need to be consistent like every Monday, Wednesday and Friday ...like you said if a given week you don't bring your child on Monday you still pay for that day.
When my daughter was about 4 we had her attend a daycare\preschool 2 days a week even though my parents cared for her at no cost. We knew in another year she would be at school and wanted her to begin to be with other children. We only paid for two days a week.
This is understandable as they need to staff the daycare with the appropriate number if caregivers as well as space limitations.
@Barry2021,
As far as you two caring for her 5 days a week i would surmise the reason they are saying that is as she starts walking and taking less naps it is going to be very difficult to keep an eye on her and work.
We might be hearing one if these stories about a 2 year old wandering down the street by herself because you had to take your eyes off her while you dealt with a work call.
@Barry2021,
Barry2021 wrote:If that's all a day care charged was $100 for just 2 days then that probably wouldn't be a problem. However, no day car works that way. If you are signed up with them you pay the full weekly rate whether you bring them 5 days a week or if you bring them 2 days a week. Even if you don't bring your child any that week you still have to pay them.
Other than being completely wrong, it isn't YOUR problem. You are NOT the parent. You do not get to make decisions on how your daughter raises her child.
Barry2021 wrote:And secondly, how can you say my wife and I aren't going to be able to take care of her 5 days a week for much longer? That's an assumption you have no basis on That's like me saying to you "you aren't going to be able to watch a child s days a week" because I don't know you at all. I know nothing about your life nor your background. Yes, I've put a lot here on my life but when it comes to my granddaughter I would do whatever it takes to make sure she had what she needed. Where is it written that if a child is not in a "formal" day care setting they are developmentally behind those kids who are. We can teach colors, shapes, and things just like a day care. And honestly. she's only 1. Not much learning you can do for a 1 year old compared to a 4 or 5 year old.
You are not caring for this child, you watch porn and work a full time job. This child gets plunked in front of a tv and then roams, unsupervised, throughout the house. Certainly you can see the potential danger, can you not?
Barry2021 wrote:This is simply about someone trying to make a few $$$ off someone else. You want to get paid, get a job. You haven't legitimately work in a number of years. Jobs have been lined up for you and you refused to go take them, why? Because you say you'd miss the baby. BS! I miss my granddaughter(s) when they are not here but I'm not about to quit my job to see them everyday. Remember, your parent's left you their house upon their deaths above all your other brothers and sisters. You allowed your niece to move in and she's living there everyday of the month but you refuse to collect rent from her but you expect to be paid for watching a baby 2 days a week.
Isn't that EXACTLY what you do concerning your step child? You charge him for everything you can. Why is every body else's interests seem to become your own? You have severe issues and look down at others as if you are better than them. Stop that -- you are really much worse than your BIL.
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