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Thu 10 Mar, 2022 09:53 am
The basics: I'm 52, my wife is 51. She has 3 other siblings, one now passed, and both her parents are still alive and married. I have 6 other brothers and sisters and my parents have been married more than 60 years. Both the wife and I have a host of nieces and nephews. Between the wife and I we have 4 kids. Her two sons and my two daughters. 6 grandkids between them all.
This past Sunday we took our newest granddaughter to church with us. She just turned a year old a week or so ago. She's crawling and pulling up on things. Walking around the sofa or a table still holding on. Standing on her own and may take a step here or there but not actually walking yet. While leaving church I was holding my granddaughter as the wife and I were walking out and a woman walked up to us. She's probably our age, maybe a few years older possibly but not much older. She was playing with her and asking how old she is. When I told her she asked if she was walking yet. I told her not yet but she's trying. This woman looked me dead in my face and said, "If I had her she'd be walking and running behind me. If you put her down she'd walk." I looked at her and jokingly said to her, "she doesn't have to walk because I'll carry her where ever she wants to go." Again, this woman just stared me in my face like she was the only person to ever get a kid to walk. Kids walk on their own time line. Where is it written that when they reach a year old they should be walking by now and if not then there's something wrong with either them or the way their parent are handling them? People kill me with all this unsolicited advice when it comes to something they have no right or say so in. I didn't ask her how to get her to walk and neither do I care how she would have done it. Eventually I graciously walked away from her. My granddaughter will walk when she's ready. Now if she's going on 2 years old and still crawling around then it might be time to have a professional step in. Again, she's standing on her own and trying to take a few steps then she falls to the ground. Nothing to be worried about now. She just turned 1.
What do you do or what have you done when someone else tells you how to parent your child? They tell you how you should discipline your child. They tell you what you should be feeding your child, etc. They have this notion that they know how to do things other/better than you. Do you tell them to mind their business or do you just sort of laugh it off? I didn't want to come across as being rude or anything so that's why I jokingly said "she doesn't have to walk because I'll carry her where she has to go." I've said that about two of my other granddaughters. "They don't have to walk because I'll carry them across the stage to get their high school diplomas." Again, we all know that was just a joke but why do some people like to tell you how to do things especially when it comes to your kids or grandkids? I eventually had to walk away from her.
Then on top of that they want to make the baby cry by not giving her back to either me or my wife. Several people will come up to us and ask to hold her and we'll normally say, "if she'll go" because we know her. She's comfortable with certain family members because she sees us on the regular. But people she doesn't know she doesn't like to be help by them, again, because she doesn't know them. Some people will hold her then when the baby realizes she's not in my or my wife's arms and looks up to see who has her she'll start crying and then they refuse to give her back. They'll say something like, "oh, she'll be alright, she's just gotta get use to me." Why does she need to get use to you when she will only see you once in a while at church once a week or so? I just don't understand some people when it comes to other people's kids. Then the more you try to get her back that's when they turn their backs on you so you can't get her.
@Barry2021,
Churchy people are judgemental and opinionated.
@izzythepush,
izzythepush wrote:
Churchy people are judgemental and opinionated.
I'd never walk up to anyone with a child and say "if you did this they'd do that" or "if I had them they would. . . . . " I hate to be in a restaurant and see unruly kids acting up but it's not my place to say anything to them. I have grandkids by God and a very supportive support system so I do not think I got this far in lie by just winging it or constantly asking total strangers how they would do things.
@Barry2021,
I'd probably say to that old bag...." Well goody for you!" And walk away.
In the past I usually just ignore it. The funny thing is often times these comments would come from younger people...early 20s that are childless at this point ...and rarely church going people...they actually seem to just smile and wave at kids but that has been my experience. In the case of the young people I realize they are just ignorant... Once they start a family they will realize the error of their ways.
And any judgement all person...they will be judgement all about anything kids are just low hanging fruit for them.
@Barry2021,
If you have kids some people, usually elderly, feel they have licence to stick their noses in.
In the barber's the other day a father was with his toddler who wax eating their lunch when an old bloke asked if he could have a sandwich, thinking he was being funny, but just making the poor kid feel uncomfortable.
What a total tool, if it was my kid I would have told him to **** off.
@Barry2021,
For the unruly kids I will say something if they are bothersome...not judgemental like to the parents or anything...but something along the lines to distract them ... Like a kid kicking my airplane seat ... I would point out to them in a nice tone how it can bother someone and then ask them questions about where they are going....kids are smart if you simply tell them it bothers the people around them as long as you are kind they typically comply...at least until.they are teenagers.
@Linkat,
Linkat wrote:
I'd probably say to that old bag...." Well goody for you!" And walk away.
In the past I usually just ignore it. The funny thing is often times these comments would come from younger people...early 20s that are childless at this point ...and rarely church going people...they actually seem to just smile and wave at kids but that has been my experience. In the case of the young people I realize they are just ignorant... Once they start a family they will realize the error of their ways.
And any judgement all person...they will be judgement all about anything kids are just low hanging fruit for them.
Yes, younger people love to give unsolicited advice when they themselves don't have kids. I was surprised. I see kids/babies in church all the time and the most I'll do is wave at them or walk up and goo goo gaa gaa at them and keep on moving.
This is like seeing a person bottle feeding a baby then the person feels the need to tell them how they should be breast feeding. My daughter breast fed and when we had her mom wasn't always around. So she would pump milk for us. Just because it's in a bottle doesn't mean it's store bought formula.
@Barry2021,
The way she went about it was wrong and probably ill intended but she has a point. The child needs to learn to walk as fast as possible to develop motor coordination in the brain, the sooner the better, so you have to patiently incentivize her to walk.
@Linkat,
Linkat wrote:
For the unruly kids I will say something if they are bothersome...not judgemental like to the parents or anything...but something along the lines to distract them ... Like a kid kicking my airplane seat ... I would point out to them in a nice tone how it can bother someone and then ask them questions about where they are going....kids are smart if you simply tell them it bothers the people around them as long as you are kind they typically comply...at least until.they are teenagers.
Your solution sounds great but these days you can't say anything to anyone's child about anything, even if they are kicking the back of your seat on an airplane. "Little Timmy is just expressing himself" or "little Suzie is nervous about flying."
@Barry2021,
You can say just about anything you want. If the parents get upset about a polite request, too bad. You have the right not to have your seat kicked. Everyone's too woke these days.
When my grandkids are too loud, I tell them there are other people in the room who don't want to hear that noise and to stop it right now. Sometimes they listen and sometimes they don't. When they don't, I give them a chore to do (usually cleaning the bathroom floor with a toothbrush). If we're out, say at a restaurant, I warn them that one more time and they're not getting an item they wanted. If that doesn't work, another item comes off. One time they were down to water and a bagel. They don't listen because at home there are no consequences or ones they don't obey. It's not really an issue for me because they live a long way away. It seems some parents today are very lax.
@Mame,
Why are you using such a pejorative term as woke to excuse not talking to the parents of unruly children?
It's got nothing whatsoever to do with 'woke,' which is term used mostly by racists and bigots to attack anything that looks like treating people decently.
@Mame,
Mame wrote:
You can say just about anything you want. If the parents get upset about a polite request, too bad. You have the right not to have your seat kicked. Everyone's too woke these days.
When my grandkids are too loud, I tell them there are other people in the room who don't want to hear that noise and to stop it right now. Sometimes they listen and sometimes they don't. When they don't, I give them a chore to do (usually cleaning the bathroom floor with a toothbrush). If we're out, say at a restaurant, I warn them that one more time and they're not getting an item they wanted. If that doesn't work, another item comes off. One time they were down to water and a bagel. They don't listen because at home there are no consequences or ones they don't obey. It's not really an issue for me because they live a long way away. It seems some parents today are very lax.
I totally feel you. I grew up in a time where if you went to church as a family and mom was on the choir or ushering and you got out of line, all she have to do is look at you and give you one of those looks and you knew you were in trouble when you got home. Or if we went to the store she would give you that talk before you got in the store. "Look, don't touch nothing, don't ask for nothing, because you're not getting nothing." That was back in the day. And even back when we were in school. If the teacher threatened to send you to the principal's office that wasn't as scary and them saying, "do you want me to call your mom?" That was enough to straighten us out quickly. Kids respected who their parents were back then. Now, kids tell their parents what to do.
It's used in more ways than that... it's often used when you're agreeing with the main cultural mindset (like not letting kids disturb others). At least here, it is. Maybe it's a regional thing.
@Mame,
Mame wrote:
You can say just about anything you want. If the parents get upset about a polite request, too bad. You have the right not to have your seat kicked. Everyone's too woke these days.
Exactly....I remember once being on a flight with my kids when they were younger so I had all sorts of scrap to keep them occupied. There was a little bit sitting in the next row and he was all ansy and being a but disruptive to the people around him ...not really bad but normal stuff for a kid that is tired of just bc sitting there.
So I told the mom I have some coloring books and crayons if you wasn't to use them...she got all huffy and said I have stuff for him...I didn't say it but I am thinking then why the neck aren't you keeping him occupied. Basically I was trying to be helpful so no skin off my back if she has her panties in a wad.
I was just thinking of this in another aspect..from the outside it makes little sense to tell someone else how to parent. Each child is different and even within the same family one child may respond to one method of parenting while another will respond to it differently. Not to mention throw in any sort of disability ... Physical, mental, etc. And often times these you cannot even see.
What if your granddaughter had some sort of disability .... This woman stating what she did could have been extremely upsetting.
My friend has several adopted children...except for one they all have a disability ... Not to mention trauma from being unwanted from their natural parents. You do not handle parenting the same way as you would say for my children.
Another reason not to criticize the parenting methods of someone else. And another thought as a grandparent you are in the position of spoiling them .... To me that is what a grandparent should be..in ideal situations... The one that lets the kids be carried, giving extra treats, and stuff like that.
Quote:Do you tell other people how to parent?
1. As a general rule, I will mind my own business.
2. There may be some exceptions when I might respectfully and politely say something.
3. For example: Excuse me. Can you stop your kid from kicking the back of my chair?
4. Also, I might respectfully say something if the child is doing something dangerous.
@Real Music,
For number 2...I don't look at that as giving parental advice as much as speaking up for yourself...there is a difference between politely asking a parent to have their kid stop kicking your seat and saying hey take care of your little brat and teach him to sit without bothering others.
And the last goes without saying ...
In both those situations though it could be the parent isn't aware ...ie napping on plane so they don't see it or it could be lack of caring.
@Linkat,
Linkat wrote:
I was just thinking of this in another aspect..from the outside it makes little sense to tell someone else how to parent. Each child is different and even within the same family one child may respond to one method of parenting while another will respond to it differently. Not to mention throw in any sort of disability ... Physical, mental, etc. And often times these you cannot even see.
What if your granddaughter had some sort of disability .... This woman stating what she did could have been extremely upsetting.
My friend has several adopted children...except for one they all have a disability ... Not to mention trauma from being unwanted from their natural parents. You do not handle parenting the same way as you would say for my children.
Another reason not to criticize the parenting methods of someone else. And another thought as a grandparent you are in the position of spoiling them .... To me that is what a grandparent should be..in ideal situations... The one that lets the kids be carried, giving extra treats, and stuff like that.
Exactly! I feel this way. Parents raise, grandparents spoil. This woman had no idea about anything going on in our or my daughter's house. Again, when she's with us she crawls around everywhere then pulls up on the sofa or table and will walk around it while holding on. She's perfectly healthy and she's meeting all her marks according to her doctor. This woman gave me one of those stares like I was doing something wrong. Again, not that what she said meant a hill of beans to me. The baby will take a step here or there but hasn't quite yet figured out that walking gets her to a place much faster than crawling. She will walk when she's ready, not when someone else thinks she should be.
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