Friend Breakup a year later

Last year I went through a friend breakup that I still think about every day up until now. I'll refer to her as Vicky.

As a background, I met Vicky in college back in 2015 and we immediately clicked. I enjoyed talking to her very much whether it be in person during school or over instant messaging, since we had shared interests and had a similar sense of humor. She was one of the 2 people I talked to every day, and talking to her always made me feel better about my day. I was thankful that she was my friend.

Vicky struggled with depression. In short, she had a bad childhood and still dealt with the aftermath both physically and mentally as an adult. She also had a lot of financial struggles since she didn't feel confident or comfortable getting a job. Furthermore, she didn't have a driver's license and was worried that her mental illness would interfere with her driving. When she wanted to go somewhere, she had to get someone to drive her (whether that be me, another of her friends, one of her grandparents, or taking public transportation) Because of her struggles, she also found getting through college difficult. I don't know the full extent of her struggles since I didn't want to pry, but based on what she told me it seemed like she generally had a tough time in life.

I was financially comfortable and lived in the country around 15miles away from her town. I don't particularly enjoy driving because doing it for longer than a half hour aggravates my past knee injury, but I did what I needed to so that we could meet up in person. It was a college town so it could take me anywhere from 20 - 45 minutes to get to her place depending on the traffic. I didn't bring her to my house much since I still live with my parents (and they weren't particularly fond of her, but she didn't know that), so I drove to her place the vast majority of the time. I knew that she had a lot of financial trouble so from time to time I treated her to coffee or snacks or whatever since she worried over what she could afford on the spot sometimes. In around 2018 her best friend suddenly died, so I took her out to dinner and dessert to try and cheer her up a little. It was incredibly devastating for her and she struggled with it up until the end of our friendship. Early last year, she expressed interest in joining me at my gym to work out so I brought her a few times and she really enjoyed it.

I knew that her circumstances didn't allow her to do a lot of things herself, but later in our friendship some things started to rub me the wrong way.

The first thing is the most ambiguous and might not be the red flag I think it to be, but it made me feel weird. In 2019, I had to have my tonsils removed. I wasn't really in the position to move anywhere myself as I was on pain meds. I asked Vicky if it were possible for her to get someone to drive her to my house to visit me - it was the first time I had asked her to do so. She said she couldn't. Meanwhile, my current bestie drove all the way from her home 20-22 miles away just to see me. I understand that Vicky couldn't drive herself, but I know for a fact that even if my other friend couldn't drive she would have found a way to come see me. I know it's unfair to compare the two, but Vicky made efforts to have someone drive her to other places on many other occasions. I felt a little bad that she didn't make that effort for me, but I was really thankful that my other friend cared enough to do it. I would absolutely do the same for them.

The second event had to do with joining me in the gym. After going a few times, she expressed the desire to start coming regularly. She asked if that was alright and I initially agreed. However, I thought about it more a little later and talked to her about it. I asked her if she would be willing to take public transportation to the gym since it would be really costly and uncomfortable for me to drive for as long as would be necessary (over an hour, by which point my knee starts to hurt a lot). She said that she wasn't comfortable taking the bus for safety reasons. However, she still rode the bus and other public transportation on many other occasions. We never reached a concrete conclusion for this. I continued to go to the gym, and I neither offered to take her nor did she ask again. She had been busy with various things anyway, so it didn't get brought up.

Event number three happened after I made a post commenting on a political issue on a social media platform where only she, another friend, and a few random people followed me. Previously, we discussed our stances on various issues and if we didn't agree we pretty much accepted each other's stances without argument. I felt safe sharing my opinion with her and my other friend, and they are the only two outside my family that know my thoughts. My post was made up of things that had been discussed between us, and I was pretty much just screaming into the void about what was making me angry. It was a little spicy, but I thought that was fine since we had previously accepted each other's opinions. Then I suddenly get a message from Vicky that started with "Hey I saw your post and I have something to say about it". She proceeded to interrogate me about my opinions and insinuating that my opinions meant I was either ignorant or a horrible person. We had known each other for 5 years at that point. Up until then, she always made a point to tell me how nice and understanding she thought I was. It felt like a blatant attack on my character. Normally when she wanted to talk about something she would begin with "Hey, can we talk about x thing?" but instead she approached it with "Hey I saw your post and I have something to say about it". I'm not sure if she thought it was somehow a personal attack on her, but she reacted with aggression that I never expected her to harbor towards me.

I told her that I felt hurt at her reaction and eventually she stopped. She said she didn't mean to be interrogative but never actually said sorry. I still felt hurt, but I moved on and started to distance myself from her.

The final event occurred a few months later when she messaged me about wanting to show me an ice cream place in a town 30miles from where I live. For me, that's around an hour drive. A few minutes later, she follows up with "btw, could you pay for my ice cream?". I confronted her amicably and told her that I wasn't comfortable with this and that I felt I was being taken advantage of. I also expressed my concern that I felt like she wasn't giving the same effort that I was giving her. I understand that she had difficult circumstances and can't drive me anywhere or buy many things, but as time went on I felt like she had become too comfortable asking me for things and that she expected me to say yes without her having to do anything in return. She blatantly acknowledged this but instead of apologizing, she blamed me for never saying anything to her about it before and that she felt cheated. She asked what she could do to make up for it, but I had absolutely no idea what to tell her. I didn't want her to do something or sacrifice anything simply because I said so. I told her that the only thing I wanted was some sign that she appreciated my effort and that she would return it.

The conversation hadn't gotten super heated since we generally tried to keep things diplomatic. However, she suddenly brought up the incident from a few months earlier (which I intended to not touch at all). She mentioned how she felt that I was distancing myself from her since then, so I told her that I still felt hurt by what she did. She explained that she saw "connections" between my post and some "people from her past". The people from her past are people who mentally and physically abused her on a constant basis. I couldn't fathom why she would equate me to those people and I expressed that to her. I brought up that I had only done good things to her and specifically referenced the fact that I took her out when her best friend died because I wanted to be there for her. I also asked her what "connections" she saw. She did not offer a clear explanation, only that people from her past "may" have had similar opinions. She kept saying that she was confused and asked me 3 times to explain why I felt the way I did, and I explained in detail each time she asked. She asked if she could have a few days to think about her response. We adjourned the discussion after that and went silent for a few days.

Eventually, she messaged me saying that she'd talked to her therapist who apparently said that I was being unreasonable and that I had no right to "hold her best friend's death over her head". Not once did she explain to me in detail the "connections" she saw nor did she properly apologize for hurting my feelings. I'm not sure what she told her therapist or what exactly her therapist told her. I know that she's had issues with confrontation and is working on how to stand up for herself, so it seemed to me that she wanted to defend herself against anyone who challenged her at all costs. For me it was the final straw, and I no longer felt any hope of enjoying our conversations again. I said goodbye and blocked her on every account I had.

Was I wrong for breaking it off with her? Should I not have referenced her friend's death? Am I overthinking things? I still agonize over these series of events almost every day.