Not Good Enough

I’m not good enough. That’s how I’ve always felt. When I was a teenager; I felt I wasn’t good enough for a girlfriend, so I didn’t bother trying. One night I met a girl and only said four words to her, literally four words; but felt as though we had met before. A few days later I saw her at a friend’s apartment, and she told me that the night we met she felt a “connection” with me. I knew exactly what she meant. The next night I talked to her for about half an hour. She told me that she had been dreaming about having a daughter with me. I went along with it jokingly. The next day a friend told me that the night I met her she gave one of my friends, who she had also met that night, a blowjob. I wasn’t sure what to think. It was confusing, a little weird and, maybe, slightly questionable. I saw her a couple days later and I know she expected me to ask her out that night. When I saw her, she ran to hug me and then proceeded to follow me around all night. She then told me that we were going to get married and have kids. I wasn’t sure what to say. I did everything I could to convince myself that she didn’t like me as much as she seemed too. How could she; I knew I wasn’t good enough. I was 17 when we met. She was 18. I’m now, 37, and I have never had a girlfriend. I still don’t see why anyone would want anything to do with me. Especially after how the last 20 years have gone for me. I’m broke, unemployed and have lived with my parents for the last 8 years doing nothing and going nowhere. I’m pathetic. I’m not just being hard on myself. I really am pathetic. I chose to give up on life. I’ve done a lot of things in my life that I shouldn’t have done. Drugs, Sex with…, well, women I had no “connection”. Is it too late for me? Is it too late for a normal life? Wife, kids, mortgage? I don’t want to be alone anymore. I just wish someone had told me when I was a kid that I was good enough, but no one ever did. My parents barely talked to me. My mom, most of the time just looked at me like there was something wrong with me or like she was embarrassed of me and then didn’t say anything. Or I would hear her talking about me behind my back. I know my parents love me, but I don’t feel like I have every really felt loved. I knowing a thing and feeling a thing aren’t the same thing, are they? Is it too late? I don’t know. I feel like I have wasted my whole life and now it might be too late. What should I do?