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Does my foreign boyfriend should marry me so that I stay in his country?

 
 
Reply Tue 10 Aug, 2021 03:10 pm
Hello to everyone!

I was a student in a foreign country, now searching for a job in this country to stay here forever if possible (and get a citizenship).

I met my boyfriend (who's a citizen of this country) 7 months ago on a dating website and we are together for 3 months now (it goes well).

I have a limited time (3 months) to find a job here, otherwise I MUST leave the country. And if I leave the country we will be 5000 km away. The flights are 4-6 hours long and cost about 500-700 euros.

My feelings for him - I like him a lot (his behaviors), but I am not in love. He is a perfect guy to found a family with. We are 35 and 39 years old. I was disappointed all the time with the guys I was in love with.

I continue searching for a job, I applied for more than 900 job offers. He also tries to find some work connections, but it doesn't work. I asked him how we would continue if I would have to leave his country in 3 months. And he said he believed I would find a job soon and offered to help me apply for even more jobs together. And if this solution wouldn't work, he said we would continue talking, but it would be complicated our relation in long distance. (I understood that he would stop with me and find another woman in his country). Also, when we were in the beginning of our relation, after knowing me for only 4 months and even though I was telling him that I didn't want to be with him, he became my guarantor to rent a room, to help me. Otherwise, it would be very difficult for me. He gave me the copy of his passport and payslips.

My question is - should I expect that he marries me to help me stay in this country with him even if this marriage is temporary/fake only in the beginning? (I'm not sure yet to marry him as well) Or is he right not to propose me this solution after such a short period of time?

Sometimes I feel, if he liked me a lot like he said he would propose doing it if I don't find anything in the end (there's still 3 months left to find a job). But sometimes I think he's right, he can not do that with the person he barely knows. I had broken up with him after his answer, but I went back to him after a few days.
 
jespah
 
  3  
Reply Tue 10 Aug, 2021 03:17 pm
@ninafred,
Don't get married for this kind of reason. Ever.

In the US (for example), it's considered to be fraud. I imagine in a lot of the world, you'd end up being deported and your boyfriend paying some fine. He might even have to serve jail time in some places.

And as for your relationship, this sounds like the premise for a lousy Lifetime movie.

Life ain't the movies.

Either get a job (and his help is of course a good thing) or don't. If he ends up engaged to someone else due to having to rush (I guess), then there's really no guarantee that that wouldn't happen even if you did get to stay in wherever he lives.

And if he is using that information as leverage over you to try to force you to stay, then that's a red flag that is so large it should block out the sun.

Benjamin Franklin said, Marry in haste, repent at leisure.

You have no idea how you can possibly get out of the marriage if it goes sour. Are the divorce laws skewed against women? Would a lawyer be super expensive? Breaking up when you're not married means you give back some stuff and part ways. Getting a divorce is a very, very different animal.

This has bad idea written all over it.
glitterbag
 
  1  
Reply Tue 10 Aug, 2021 03:30 pm
@ninafred,
I agree with everything Jespah has written. Bad bad bad idea all around.
ninafred
 
  1  
Reply Tue 10 Aug, 2021 03:31 pm
@jespah,
He doesn't propose me to marry to stay here. I think he hesitates to do such a thing because we know each other for 7 months only and are together for 3 months (it will be 6 months when I will have to leave). But I expect such a thing from him, I guess. I accept this as if he doesn't love me enough to do everything so that I stay with him. Because in my country, people can decide to marry even in 1 month after meeting each other.
0 Replies
 
ninafred
 
  1  
Reply Tue 10 Aug, 2021 03:33 pm
@jespah,
Also, I would do all legal things to protect our money/house from each other in case of divorce and agree on simple divorce conditions.
0 Replies
 
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Tue 10 Aug, 2021 04:10 pm
@glitterbag,
glitterbag wrote:

I agree with everything Jespah has written. Bad bad bad idea all around.


First of all if they are living together and are planning on living together for at least a time I do not see how they could be charge with any crime as governments do not have mind readers or true married detectors.

If they are legally married and it does not work out they would just be one of a millions couples that are divorcing every year.

Hell there are now TV shows where people are married at first sight and some of them had one of the couple being foreign.

So as long as she is not doing a business of marrying for dollars and green cards I do not see the problem in seeing if a married relationship might not just work out for her with a friend.
Mame
 
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Reply Tue 10 Aug, 2021 04:21 pm
@ninafred,
ninafred wrote:

I was a student in a foreign country, now searching for a job in this country to stay here forever if possible (and get a citizenship).

My feelings for him - I like him a lot (his behaviors), but I am not in love.

... even though I was telling him that I didn't want to be with him...

My question is - should I expect that he marries me to help me stay in this country with him even if this marriage is temporary/fake only in the beginning? (I'm not sure yet to marry him as well) Or is he right not to propose me this solution after such a short period of time?


You want to become a US citizen. You like him, but are not in love. You told him you didn't want to be with him. You are not sure about marrying him. You are interested in a temporary/fake marriage.

I think this is all about using this guy to leave your country. You don't have enough feelings for him. What you're considering is apparently illegal in the US.

So what would be your advice?
ninafred
 
  1  
Reply Tue 10 Aug, 2021 04:22 pm
@BillRM,
We don't live together, but we stay at each other 2-3 days a week. He said he would love to live with me in the beginning, I said I didn't want it yet, so we didn't talk about it again yet.
0 Replies
 
ninafred
 
  1  
Reply Tue 10 Aug, 2021 04:25 pm
@Mame,
We are not in US.
I like him a lot, but not in love. I can imagine a family together.
I have been living in this country for 5 years now and have male friends who would accept to do fake marriage with me. These friends know me for 3-4 years at least.
Also, I am close to get a citizenship by myself if I get a job (because I've been living in this country for 5 years now), so I don't need anyone for that.
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Tue 10 Aug, 2021 04:43 pm
@ninafred,
ninafred wrote:

We are not in US.
I like him a lot, but not in love. I can imagine a family together.
I have been living in this country for 5 years now and have male friends who would accept to do fake marriage with me. These friends know me for 3-4 years at least.


Not in love but you can see him as the father of your children? To me you need more time to get your emotions settle out and if that mean finding a way to stay I would find a way to stay.
ninafred
 
  1  
Reply Tue 10 Aug, 2021 04:49 pm
@BillRM,
Well, the men I was in love with were not good candidates to be a father, I think.
And if I don't find a job, there is no other way to stay here except if he marries me. And I cannot accept the idea that he would continue being with me if I stay and find another woman if I leave.
So I don't know whether I should continue our relation or not.
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Tue 10 Aug, 2021 05:00 pm
@ninafred,
Dear from just what you had told us here I would bet a large large amount of money that the man is in love with you but does not feel free to tell you that.

I been there myself as a matter of fact.
ninafred
 
  1  
Reply Tue 10 Aug, 2021 05:44 pm
@BillRM,
Why he doesn't feel free to tell that?
And if he loves me, why he doesn't say he would do everything so that I stay with him?
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Tue 10 Aug, 2021 06:28 pm
@ninafred,
ninafred wrote:

Why he doesn't feel free to tell that?
And if he loves me, why he doesn't say he would do everything so that I stay with him?


My guess is that he is under the impression that no matter what you would not be interest in him other then as a friend and only as a very last resource would you consider settling for him.

That mean if he offer that to you he would feel like he is unfairly pressuring you to do something you otherwise would not care to do.
0 Replies
 
glitterbag
 
  1  
Reply Tue 10 Aug, 2021 09:28 pm
@ninafred,
So neither of you are US citizens, he's a citizen of the country you are currently in, you want to stay there so you think if he was a better friend he would marry you to solve your immigration status some where in the world...........I'm so confused. I don't know how to advice you other than "don't marry a man you don't love in order to gain citizenship in any country. " You will open a Pandora's box of problems that you didn't know were possible. Talk to an immigration specialist from the country you're in to see if an extension can be granted or if there other ways you can improve your status.

BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Tue 10 Aug, 2021 11:24 pm
@glitterbag,
So you think that she would be better off marrying a man who she love but that she also stated are not fit to father her children and raise them unlike the boyfriend??

Yes that make zero sense but that is what she stated..
glitterbag
 
  1  
Reply Wed 11 Aug, 2021 01:02 am
@BillRM,
How in God's name did you manage to twist what I said as "she would be off marrying a man who she love but that she also stated are not fit to father her children". English is obviously not her first language, and it's starting to sound like it's not yours either. I recommend no such thing, read it again.
ninafred
 
  1  
Reply Wed 11 Aug, 2021 03:39 am
@glitterbag,
I don't want him to marry me to get a citizenship. It would take 5 years. It means I should stay married with him for 5 years from now on to get a citizenship. I don't need that at all.
I need just a little bit more time to find a job. I came to this country (France) by myself, learned the language from zero, studied a master's program in their language, did 2 great internships. I have been living here for 5 years now. If I find a job tomorrow I can apply for citizenship right away. So no need for a marriage to get a citizenship. I just need help to stay more to find a job because it became even more complicated with the covid crisis. Even before, it has always been difficult to find a job for foreigners.

I just got disappointed that he told me that it would be complicated if I go back to my country without offering any other solution except sending even more CVs, which I sent already more than 900 during last 7 months.
0 Replies
 
ninafred
 
  1  
Reply Wed 11 Aug, 2021 03:47 am
@ninafred,
I appreciate all your comments and thank you a lot for taking time to read and reply to my post. But the main question is not linked to the fake marriage, if I should do it or not, etc.
I just don't know if I should expect such a thing from my bf in this stage of our relation, judge him as if he doesn't love or care about me enough.

I think I didn't like his answer that we would continue if I stay here and most probably not, if I leave. And I left him today..
0 Replies
 
BillRM
 
  1  
Reply Wed 11 Aug, 2021 05:15 am
@glitterbag,
glitterbag wrote:

How in God's name did you manage to twist what I said as "she would be off marrying a man who she love but that she also stated are not fit to father her children". English is obviously not her first language, and it's starting to sound like it's not yours either. I recommend no such thing, read it again.


I suggest you read her postings over yourself my friend as she stated in those postings that he would be a good man to have children with unlike repeat unlike men she fall in love with.
0 Replies
 
 

 
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