What's good for her is not good for me!

Reply Wed 14 Jul, 2021 06:35 am
My wife and I have been together for some time now and recently we had a disagreement about something. I wanted to get your take on it. There are 2 things that really bother me but the more I tell her about it the more she doubles down on it. The first thing is this. This month we know a lot of people, family members whose birthdays are this month. Me, my wife's sister, my wife's sister's daughter, and a few other people. Last Fri my wife's sister asked my wife to go hang out with her for her birthday. I was totally fine with it because I've been telling my wife that her and her sister need to hang out more. Side note: get her out out from under me so much. They went out Fri night and hung out and I stayed at home. Around 11 or so I went to bed and when I woke that morning my wife was next to me. I had taken my sleep medication so I didn't hear when she came in. Last night we were out riding around and I asked her what time she got in Fri night. Her response to me was simply, "Why!" I said I just wanted to know because I was sound asleep. Then her response was along the lines of, "oh, you you now want to go out and hang out till 1 in the morning. " My response was "no, but since you say it, since you did it I don't see the problem with me going out and hanging out one night." She had a major hissy fit about me going to hang out till 1 in AM. I looked at here and said, "oh, it's okay for you to do it but not me?" She said, "well, I was with my sister." I told her it doesn't matter where you were or who you were with. If you can go hang out till all hours of the night then you can't dictate when I may want to go out without you. I'm not but I was trying to make a point.

The next thing we started discussing was the fact that my wife thinks she is an ASE certified mechanic and can diagnose any problem with her car but she has zero skills or ability to actually fix anything. If she thinks her brakes need to be changes she'll go by the auto parts store, buy the brake pads then demand that I put them on. I know how to work on cars and I told her her brakes didn't need to be changed. She heard one squeak then automatically went and bought the pads. They sat in our living room for nearly 6 months before I changed them because at that time they didn't need to be replaced. And the only reason I did it was because the battery died on my truck this past weekend so I was gonna go buy a new battery and she then decided to say, "oh, when your car is down you don't hesitate to jump and fix it but when mine needs work I have to wait." There's a major difference between a car that won't crank compared to a car that need brake pads changed because of 1 squeak. About a month ago the check engine light came on in her car and so she took it to an auto store to have it checked. They ran the codes and immediately told her she needed a new catalytic converter. I told her she didn't need that. I have a scan tool and when I checked it I told her it was probably just a bad O2 sensor. A day or so later the check engine light went off on the car. Last night I asked her had the light came back on and she sort of jump down my throat about it. My wife feels that anytime there is something wrong with her car I'm supposed to drop everything and go fix it. If she comes home with parts I'm supposed to stop doing what I'm doing and go replace it. She thinks that because I know how to work on cars she's never supposed to EVER pay for another repair. I told her that if she thinks I'm taking too long to do something she is more than welcomed to take her car to a certified shop or dealership and pay them to do whatever she wants done. She is always finding something wrong with her car that I'm suppose to just go fix. I told her that the things she's complaining about are not major issues that need to be fixed right now. Like her brake pads, they will definitely let you know when they need to be changed. You don't change brake pads with a 1/4 of an inch of pad still on them simply because you heard a squeak.

How do you deal with an overbearing woman who thinks she knows everything or one who feels she can do something but you can't?
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Reply Wed 14 Jul, 2021 06:44 am
You're partly the architect of your own misery when it comes to the car stuff.

You're grabbing a sensor and contradicting the auto parts store - so you're demonstrating that you want to deal with this stuff. And then later, when she thinks there's other stuff to deal with (never mind if she's right about that for the moment), you're saying no.

You don't get to have it both ways. You're either going to overrule the auto parts store and be her mechanic, or not.

So! How about buying her a year's worth of service at the dealership? And let them deal with her. Be prepared to spend some $$. But she'll be out of your hair. If that's what you want, then recognize that it does come with a price.

The going out fight is just kind of silly.

You: Sue (or whatever her name is), when did you come in last night?
Her: None of your business. Stop giving me the third degree!
You: Well, I had a dream and you were in it and I was just kind of wondering if you coming home triggered it.


I was worried.


I thought I heard you but you know I'm a heavy sleeper. Just wanted to make sure you were okay.

You get the idea. It doesn't have to be a lie. But the bottom line is that for that fight she laid out the bait and you swallowed it, hook, line, and sinker.

So don't take the bait.

If you stop being fun to fight with, she'll stop fighting with you.

As for hanging out or whatever, er, do you ever hang out together as a couple? I don't mean to stay at home to watch TV. Do you go to restaurants, movies, museums, the park, sporting events, concerts, a class, the beach, anything?

Do more of that, and not only because it'll assure her that things are okay.

Do those things because they're fun and it's nice to share fun things with your partner.
Reply Wed 14 Jul, 2021 06:59 am
Please don't read more into the OP than what's there. I have a woman who feels that when she barks I'm supposed to jump. The auto parts store did the exact same thing I did by using their scan tool. Their suggestions listed one being a catalytic converter issue, but when I did my research I told her it's probably not that but simply just a faulty O2 sensor. I've taken her car to the parts store and they scanned her codes and came back with everything from a evap failure to a loose gas cap so the auto parts store isn't an exact science. The only way you're going to find out for sure is to take it to a dealership and let them work it up and not just go to the parts store and the 19 year old behind the counter plugging in an $80 scan tool. The issue is that she doesn't want to pay dealership prices to find out for sure. She thinks I'm "supposed to do it" because I know how to fix some things. An O2 sensor is a cheap way to start out diagnosing a problem compared to taking your car and having a new catalytic converter put on it because that's what the kid at the auto parts store said.

And yes, we do things together. We take vacations, go on outings, parks, etc. We're not just homebodies. All I'm saying is that if you can go hang out till 1 in the morning then you have no leg to stand on when I want to go hang out with the fellas till 1 in the morning. I didn't complain because I told her she needed to go help her sister celebrate her birthday. I actually enjoyed having the house to myself. Again, that was last Fri. I didn't even think to ask her until last night what time she came in. I wasn't accusing her of anything. Like I said, when I went to bed she wasn't there but when I woke she was sound asleep next to me. I just asked what time she came in.
Reply Wed 14 Jul, 2021 07:14 am
I never realised Jespah asked how one would go about checking a catalytic converter.

Next time someone gives you some help with your relationship you could show them how to change a tyre.

It’s certainly easier than taking on board what Jespah said.
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Reply Wed 14 Jul, 2021 07:30 am
Ug, you two are mentally exhausting.

All the petty games and whatnot has got to end.

If you don't want to fix her car - - then DON'T. Tell her to set an appointment somewhere to get it checked/fixed and quit being a know-it-all mechanic. If you've got mad skills, then by all means, SHUT UP and FIX the damn car.

In other words, just shut up.

It's exhausting just reading stupid squabbles.

So, this tit for tat thingy you got going on about going out, how, exactly, is that supposed to work? Let's say you go out with your pals and the party ends at 11. Whatcha gonna do then? Stay in the driveway and refuse to come in because it's not time yet?? Conversely, what if you do a bar crawl with your buddies and stay out til 4 am? Does that mean SHE is allowed to say out til 4 am too?


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Reply Fri 16 Jul, 2021 02:41 pm
You are a husband . Remove yourself from being her car mechanic.

Find a mechanic you trust and hand your wife’s car over to him/her. She now has her own personal car repair person!

Re: your wife coming in at 1 am after her sister’s birthday party:

This is not about the time she came in. It’s something else and you need to find out what the real issue is.
Most bad feelings come from simple reasons: hungry, angry, lonely, tired. Explore your own feelings and try to figure out where theses feelings of resentment, neglect, or abandonment are coming from.
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