Am I wrong for feeling this way about my thirteen year old daughter and husband?

Let's operate under the assumption nothing untoward is going on.

Your husband has to accept your daughter growing up. And at puberty, she's going to want her privacy. As in, if her period starts, it hurts like hell and she accidentally soils the sheets, I would bet dollars to doughnuts that she wouldn't want him to be there to witness all of that.

So talk to your daughter (because this affects her, too). She probably also wants the co-sleeping to end, but doesn't feel she can say so. And if she doesn't want it to end, then maybe use the example I've just given. It is inevitable that she will want her privacy at some point during her teen years. That's about as sure a bet as anything can possibly be.

Then talk to your husband again. If he claims your daughter isn't saying anything, make it clear that the two of them are far from equal in stature and she didn't feel should could or should say anything. Don't let him put her on the spot because that's a pretty sure way to get her to clam up. And then he'll continue to think that he's right.

His "you can't tell me what to do" nonsense is just that -- nonsense. Of course you can tell him. It doesn't mean he'll listen. But you're more than entitled to speak your piece. And him ignoring your feelings is rather different sort of red flag. If he ignores your feelings for this, does he ignore them under any other circumstances? That's not the recipe for a happy relationship.

Anyway, to bring it all full circle: there are a lot of guys who don't accept their daughters growing up, and that may be a big part of this. I had to let my own father walk in on me in my bra to get him to quit just opening up my bedroom door whenever he felt like it, claiming it was his house and he could walk around wherever he liked. I was around your daughter's age IIRC.

Hang in there. Even if everything is awesome, the co-sleeping has to end eventually. This is likely a very good time for that to happen.

jespah (as usual has some good thoughts) - here is a different tactic if that does not work.

Your daughter needs to learn to sleep by herself. This could hurt her later in life. So she goes off to college - she cannot because she has never slept by herself. She cannot move out of the house as a young adult because she has never slept by herself.

It may seem to some people no that doesn't happen, but I had a daughter who had this issue. We stopped it at a younger age but the older they get, the harder this habit may be to break.

As an aside - you daughter may not have this issue - and she may easily be able to sleep without someone else next to her but for some kids it can be.

If you need to get your daughter's doctor's advice. That is how we ended up finding out this was not a good thing. We just figured our daughter would grow out of it - sleeping with us or near us. The doctor asked us at her checkup how she was sleeping, where she was sleeping, etc. as part of normal routine questions. The doctor brought up how this was not good in the long run and she said quite honestly some kids do not grow out of it - and then they cannot even go and live at college or move out of their parent's home.

We actually had to meet with a therapist on it. It was bad going through "teaching" her to sleep by herself but now she is newly graduated from college and had a successful time living on campus.

It is just as important for her normal development and independence to be able to fall asleep and remain asleep by herself.

I do not think that your husband could argue with a doctors opinion on her daughter's mental well-being.

A husband leaving the marital bed to go sleep with his teenage step child is disturbing.

Therapy ASAP -

For sure.

On the surface -- yes -- and to be honest that was my first inclination, but without knowing the family dynamics it could be a dad that just still considers her a little girl.

At 3 am?

If it were as simple as reading a bedtime story and falling asleep, that's one thing. But consistently for a man to sneak out and into a child's bedroom while every one else is sleeping is a cause for concern.

I'd put a lock on my child's door and get her therapy. Some abusers don't leave visible marks.

I am not going to judge because I am not there - but he has been doing this since she was very little.

The OP knows about this so there is not sneaking out. I said before it does sound odd but without knowing all the info I am not going to judge but help her solve the problem. Jespah also noted assuming there is no abuse in this case, this is what I suggest and that is the same tactic I took.

Did he this when she was young because she had consistent nightmares? Was helping his wife sleep better at night? Once a child has sleep issues, unless you do something to correct it - it is nightmarish to deal with.

Having had a daughter with sleep issues - you do not know what a dad or mom will do to help or think they are helping.

Now I do not know if this is the case - but it was my experience so I am guiding with my experience.

I do think, personally, it is odd, his behavior, but not unrealistic there is a sleeping issue - I also think yeah it could be abuse, but I took the OP's word on "...I know nothing is going on and my daughter is completely comfortable around him.."

I guess a better question would be to her --- how do you know nothing is going on? Are you unconsciously ignoring any signs?

So either this dad does not recognize his daughter is growing into a teen or else it is likely an abusive situation that the mom is refusing to recognize.

I as a parent had rather cut it off now and be certain than to spend the rest of my life regretting. In fact, if it were me, I would get a professional to work with the child to make certain her welfare is the first order. Screw the husband.

Either way the family needs some counseling - it can really help with a sleep issue (if that is the case) and quite obviously if it anything worse.

Can you imagine getting out of bed at 3 AM and sleeping with your 13 year old son or step son? I'm not suggesting anything that might be seen as predatory but it's unseemly. Especially the part where he says you can't tell him what to do. If you can't, then who can. It's too clingy, I can't imagine your neighbors or your daughter's school friends thinking this is normal. It's time to stop.

In a nutshell, everyone here is telling you something is wrong with this. And she is your daughter (and his), so you are allowed to say No. This is really not normal.

Just an aside - you can simply do a search on google for dad sleeping with teen daughter or even parents sleeping with teenagers - something like that -

I know many people here think it doesn't happen but it happens more than you think. And it is not necessarily associated with any sort of abuse. And in some cases like this dad - the parent insists (even with the other parent stating they should not do this) there is not anything wrong with it.

That being said - it is also clear that this is not good for the child or parents - I think it best to talk with either your daughter's medical doctor and/or some type of therapist or counselor. Sometimes it only takes one or two visits - sometimes it is just a matter of speaking to someone not emotionally involved to realize why this is not good.