Relationship difficulty with my adult daughter

Forums: Family Relationship Issue
Email this Topic • Print this Page

I am a 63 year old single man who has recently been ostracized and estranged by 40 years old daughter. She wrote me the very reviling message below. Most of the abuse and pain she experienced was never communicated to me till now. She has revealed these feeling toward me to my son in law and three grandchildren. They now think I am responsible for her pain and no longer want me in their lives.
I know her emotional pain body controls her feelings towards me. I don't know how to overcome this. Any attempts I make seems to only create more anger and resentment toward me. They are giving the silent treatment.
Can you please advise? It would be most appreciated!!!

"As we are moving into our new home I found some previous messages you sent to my husband while I was in the hospital and it really made me reflect on our relationship. I have been receiving psychological therapy on & off for years to deal with the abuse I have suffered throughout my life. Abuse that my parents never protected me from. I was molested multiple times in my own home by adult men and teenage boys. I have endure emotional abuse and trauma from my mother. To the point that she lost custody of me at 17 yrs old and legal physical custody of me was given to my maternal grandparents. You have lived in the same county as me my entire childhood but yet you were never even considered for physical custody. You never even took me for a weekend or overnight at your house. I didn’t know where you lived until I was 16 years old. God has found favor in me and has blessed me even in spite of my parents HOWEVER I have been scarred and it is affecting my life now. What really prompted me to send this email is the fact that I spent 12 days in hospital last year and you never came to see me in the hospital. I reached out to you several times (as well as my husband and mother) and yet you couldn’t find time to come see while I was in the hospital nearly dead. I endured 7 transfusions in 12 days as well as major surgery (that I am still physically recovering from) and you did not come to the hospital. You actually waited until I was released and I want to know why. Why??? Why was it so important for you to fly to Florida uninvited for my birthday in 2018 and not while I was physically dying in the hospital less than a year later. My entire life I have felt unprotected and that is mainly because I was never protected by YOU!!!!! My own biological father never protected me from harm, hurt, or any danger and it’s heartbreaking. You’ll never understand the pain you have caused me. It’s deep!!!"

Topic Stats
Top Replies
Link to this Topic

Type: Discussion • Score: 4 • Views: 421 • Replies: 7

@petedwayne1,

Well, is what she's accusing you of at all true? Never mind that you weren't told before; you're being told now.

And I would highly recommend counseling, as an impartial neutral observer can help you get to the root of this matter. Furthermore, it could help facilitate communications, if your daughter is receptive.

I am not a doctor.

0 Replies

@petedwayne1,

I agree with Jespah about counseling. I have the opposite experience, being very (and justifiably) angry with my parents.

My advice

1. You can't force a relationship on your kids. Right or wrong, they are adults and you have to accept what they want.

2. You can offer a relationship to your kids. Do whatever work in therapy you need to do. Listen to your kids needs. Then offer the relationsip you can.
If they need to work out the past with you, that may be part of it. But a relationship is something that happens in the present.

3. If they still don't want a relationship, tell them that you want a relationship when they are ready and that you will work to have a good relationship with them when they say that this is what they want. Then move on until they are ready.

You can offer, but you can't force.

0 Replies

@petedwayne1,

Assuming the accusations in the letter are correct, your first step would be to take ownership for your past misdeeds and apologize, deeply and sincerely. The next step would be to say you are open to apologize in person but you will respect her decision in the matter... and then respect her decision in the matter. Any attempt by you to explain away your actions or mitigate them will not be well received and trying to push yourself into her life after she has told you to stay away will likewise end poorly.

0 Replies

@petedwayne1,

agreed with the two above - and why would you not go to the hospital while your daughter was so ill?

0 Replies

By the way I did go see my daughter when she became ill. To clarify she and her family lives in Florida and I live in California. I couldn't immediately go see my daughter in the hospital (she had a emergency Hysterectomy operation) because I had fly and get a car to get there. She was out of the hospital and back home convalescing when I did get there. I helped the family when she was down and she never mentioned her anger at that time. This is not an excuse but apparently she harbored a resentment because I didn't come fast enough to see her in the hospital.

1 Reply

@petedwayne1,

Her complaint is not just the most recent events but problems going back years. Don't miss the forest for the trees here. Regardless of whether you feel her claims are justified or not, take a hard look at what she wrote and consider where her concerns might be valid. If you refuse to step up here, your relationship is going to be over.

1 Reply

@engineer,

Thank you for your response. I hear you. I will step up and give my best effort to make a differance going forward.

0 Replies

Forums
» Relationship difficulty with my adult daughter

Read Discussion
Reply to All

Relationship difficulty with my adult daughter

Quick Links

My Account

able2know