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Fri 21 May, 2021 08:32 am
I am getting married in a few months & my fiance has a relative who, a few years ago, made some very inappropriate comments about my race and gender (African American female). When we got engaged and made up our guest list, this relative was not included in it. I expressed to my fiance why I didn't want her there and he completely understood and had no objections. Fast forward to a few months ago, his mother called him losing her mind because she found out this relative was not going to be invited. He explained to her why and she seemed totally ok with it all and like she understood. Fast forward to last week, invitations start arriving in the mail and yet again she calls screaming, crying, and threatening not to come to the wedding. I ended up texting her myself because I didn't think it was fair for her to bother him when ultimately it was my decision. When I talked to her, all she did was defend the racist/sexist language and say we HAD to invite this relative because "she's family and her views shouldn't matter". I stood my ground but then she started ignoring me, and went right back to bugging my fiance. My fiance started getting extremely upset about it and I didn't want him to have to deal with it anymore, so I sent his mom a text saying she could bring the relative as a plus one and expressed my disappointment in her, that I've lost some respect for her and that I can't believe she would behave so selfishly. My fiance also sent her a text telling her how upset she made him and he can't believe she went so far out of her way to disrespect both of us with her actions and words. We have not heard from her since. She has not apologized nor has she responded to either of our messages. I'm at a point where I don't even want her at the wedding anymore and don't want to be around her, the thought of it makes me uncomfortable already and I don't feel she has a right to celebrate our special day if she can't even respect the decision we've made together as a couple....I'm so unsure of what to do about it.
Unfortunately, weddings bring out the weird worst in people.
Have you ever heard the expression, He who pays the piper calls the tune ?
Who is paying for the wedding? If you and your fiancé are, then your MIL has zero leg to stand on. And you have been exceptionally generous. Same if your parents are footing the bill, which is traditional.
If you're splitting the cost, then I think you compromised as well as you could so the best thing you can do is just leave it alone and spend your day hanging around everyone but the nasty, racist relative. You will be so incredibly busy (my wedding was a little less than 24 years ago and I remember that pleasant fog well) that no one will notice.
Seriously. You will be chatting, posing for pictures and dancing. As I recall, we didn't eat until that evening (the fantastic caterer wrapped up our meals).
If your MIL is paying for the wedding, then the guest list is essentially hers. This doesn't make it right for her to be so unfeeling. It just gives her an economic argument.
And, finally, don't text this sort of thing. Call or, better yet, visit. It is very, very hard to deny someone who is right there, whereas ignoring a bunch of texts is easy. It doesn't have to be a fight, and it shouldn't if you can at all help that.
Just say something like, "I'm sorry you feel that this relative and her views are more important than our wedding day. And her views do matter, when they are a direct attack such as this. We can't, ultimately, make you take one person or another or anyone to our wedding. We just hope you can appreciate our position, which will not change. We hope you can appreciate how this has the potential to affect our relationship with you for years to come."
Oh, and you can also direct the photographer any way you please, so if you want photos of everyone but the racist relative, then that's that. The photographer is a contractor and they work for whomever is paying them.
PS Ultimately, despite all the hype, your wedding day is only a few hours of your marriage. Even if you're boxed in, like I said, chat, dance, and get your picture taken, and let those be your memories of the day, for the duration of what I hope is a long and happy marriage.
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