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Fri 26 Feb, 2021 07:33 am
I have been with my ex fiance for 7 years, I am 24/F, and he is 25, I met him when I was 16, we were high school sweethearts, I can't even explain how beautiful our story was. We are both moroccans, we come from muslim families, but we are both atheists (crazy, right?) My family is much more liberal than his tho, my family is spiritual and very modern, while his family is extra conservative. My family knows I'm an atheist. His family doesn't. Anyways, he was my bestfriend, my partner, my lover, my soulmate, the love of my life. He was the first and only guy I've ever had sex with. We both lost our virginity together. We had an extraordinary connexion, I told him my deepest secrets, told him about my mental illness (I have OCD), and we helped each other through everything, we helped each other grow as individuals and I am so proud of the man he became. I was his and he was mine. He promised me that we would stay together forever, and he meant it. He proposed to me a year ago, and we had an engagement party with our families. My family loved and will always love him, my mom considers him as her son. His family seemed to accept me as well, but I always knew we would struggle with them as they don't know we are both atheists. we had to pretend to be muslims and nod when they speak of Islam. I had no problem pretending. But a month ago, something happened. I was at their house, it was his father's birthday, and my ex's fiance's brother brought the topic of rape out of nowhere, and said that it's women's fault if they get raped. I could not believe my ******* ears, I have a very quick temper, and being a woman, a feminist, and a decent human being, I had to say something. I told him that what he was saying was extremely dangerous and misogynistic, my ex fiance was in the bathroom so he didn't witness what happened. But when he came he found us arguing very badly with each other, he automaticlly understood what was going on. He tried to calm us down and told his brother that what he was saying was very sexist. But his brother kept saying that I am just a complicated crazy feminist. His parents just kept watching without telling him to shut up. I lost my **** and told him "you're not a man" and to be clear : saying this to a muslim man is the biggest insult ever. Anyways, it was a mess and I started crying and told him that he will never understand the **** women have to go through everyday and im shocked to hear him say that. My ex's parents didn't like that I insulted their son like that in front of them, I apologized to them but I told them that their son went too far and that my reaction was totally understandable. Long story short, they had a fight with my ex maany days after that, and told him that they don't want me to be their daughter in law anymore, they said I am too different, the way I think is very different from them and they will never accept a girl like that. My ex did everything he could, he yelled, he defended me and everything, but they ended up telling him "it's either her or us, if you wanna marry her, we will not attend the wedding and we will cut off contact with you and we will dissown you", I know he did everything he could, he yelled, he said "its her or nobody" and explained that he's the one marrying me, not them, and that his mindset is the same as me. This **** went on for days, he ended up giving up and he chose his parents over me, he broke up with me after 7 years and told me he could never marry me without his parents's approval, because he doesn't wanna live a life without his parents in it. I had a mental breakdown, begged for him not to leave me, cried like I've never cried before, he started crying as well and saying how truly sorry he is for hurting me like this, he said he will never forget about me and that he will love me forever but this is our destiny and he can't leave his parents for me. I was in total shock, extremely confused, I called my mom and told her what happened and we tried going to their house to try to communicate and find a solution, but they refused to see us. It was extremely disrespectful, my mom was very angry and told my ex his parents are really awful people and that they are hypocrites, they think they are good muslims but they're just hypocrites, because even in Islam once you read the "fatiha" during the engagement, it means the couple is married in "God's eyes", so for them to call themselves muslims and break up 2 people who are insanely in love with each other is just awful.
Anyways, he broke up with me and broke my heart, I know this is all his parents's fault, but I blame him too, he could have done more, he gave up on me very easily because he was afraid of his parents's threats, and when I kept crying and begging him he just kept saying there is no solution and this is the way it is. I am very disappointed in him, because the person I fell in love with would never do anything to break my heart, he would normally fight harder and even ignore their threats and stay with me until they calm down, he could have done many things, don't you think? But instead, he abandoned a beautiful relationship that lasted 7 years and gave up on the girl who would have done everything for him. I'm sorry I wrote a lot, if you're still reading, thank you so much, I just want people's opinions about this whole mess, should I move on ? I am stuck.
@Sarahtms23,
I think you need to own up to your part in this mess.
I am not saying that this guy (the brother) was wonderful or right or whatever. I am not saying that your position is unjustified.
But you flew off the handle and did not consider the consequences of your actions. You knew damned well you needed to nod and smile when it came to Islam. And so you should have realized that you needed to wait for your fiancé to be present and let him take the brunt of things.
Your job during your engagement was (much like if you were marrying a fundamentalist's son here in the US) to nod and smile and look pretty, asking for a recipe or an opinion on color for curtains and other such stuff.
Is that sexist? You better believe it. Is it outdated? Old-fashioned? Absurd? Hard to swallow in this day and age? Yes to all that, as well.
But your mission was to marry this man. Your role was very clear, and it could have ended the moment the knot was tied. Then you could be the person you want to be - this man's wife. Instead, you let your temper dictate your future.
That's not a good way to live.
Do yourself a favor. You had a long history with your ex. You will need to apologize to him, and ask him if an apology to his family would be welcome.
Your apology is, "I'm sorry for yelling. I'm sorry for insulting. I'm sorry for going too far."
It's not an apology for your beliefs, your character, or your ethics.
Recognize that the brother was testing you. He was a passive aggressive asshole but that's what he was doing. And... you failed. Treat him like you would any other troll. Ignore him. He brings up **** like that again? Leave the room. Change the subject. Suddenly take an enormous interest in the dust on the baseboards. I don't care what you have to do.
Engagements are finite. They have ending dates. Your mission, if you get another chance, is to get to the finish line of your wedding. And do whatever the hell you want to after that.
But you have got to rein things in and make it to that finish line first.
As they said in the Civil Rights movement, keep your eyes on the prize.
@Sarahtms23,
I don't usually read these sorts of questions and almost never respond to them but you strike me as a good person and I'm really sorry you had to go through this. I guess what troubles me the most is the weakness of your partner. He says he's an "atheist" but I think his behavior denotes something different — he still wants the comfort of his religious family. Rejecting the outward forms of religion but still fearing the social consequences of unbelief makes him seem like an unfinished product, too fearful and too lazy to make a stand on his principles, the principle of intellectual freedom as well as the principle of honoring his commitment to you. As scary as it may seem, I think you may really need to move on. Because unless he's willing to make a new life with you, independent of his family, your lives together will always be like life in a fishbowl with his conservative family looking on, ready to intervene, ready to exert control. If it's any comfort — it probably isn't — fundamentalist religions do this to people all the time; the effects of one's cultural upbringing can continue to exert control unless confronted, totally evaluated, and summarily rejected. You have this strength; he doesn't. I hope you get some good advice. Take care and good luck.
One thing, though — use paragraphs.
@jespah,
I understand your point. And I totally know my mistake. And just so you know, I apologized to them many times, and I called them again to apologize, and they refused to answer my calls. My mother and I even went to their house to apologize and find a solution, and they refused to let us in. So they should be the ones feeling ashamed of this behavior. I will never keep my mouth shut when I hear atrocities, I did the right thing. Even tho I did it in the wrong way with my quick temper. No one should nod and take that crap. I am a woman before being somebody's wife. And as a woman and a human I do not accept that kind of behavior.
@hightor,
Thank you so much for your reply, I think you're right. He can't let go of that mindset and he can't make up his own decisions and be independent.
@Sarahtms23,
I don't accept it, either. Anyway, I'm sorry that avenue was closed off.
Like hightor said, the guy made his choice. And, unfortunately, that choice wasn't you. I think you will definitely need to move on. You've gone above and beyond to try to make it work, and you've been rebuffed at every turn. I'm sorry.
@hightor,
hightor wrote:
One thing, though — use paragraphs.
Yes I stopped reading because there were no paragraphs -
@Sarahtms23,
Sarahtms23 wrote:
I did the right thing. Even tho I did it in the wrong way with my quick temper. No one should nod and take that crap. I am a woman before being somebody's wife. And as a woman and a human I do not accept that kind of behavior.
I really am not a fan of Dr. Phil but there is one thing he says often that I have to admit - I nod my head to .....
"You can choose to be right...or you can choose to be happy."
You need to choose your fights. So how is your being right working out for you? Probably not so good because you are in the position you are in. How did you speaking up in this case help you? Did it work well for you? Did you like the results?
I understand what they say is wrong - but do you really think by speaking up to them you are going to change their opinion? What is it going to get you but where you are now - unhappy.
I was at my husband's extended family visiting - the uncle -- honestly I really sweet heart - but a darn racist and he started saying some racist things. The guy is an old man - he is not going to change. I was very offended by the things he said - so what did I do? Smiled and then at a good point walked away so I did not have to listen to it. Yeah I saw my husband give me a quick sideways glance and he knew my smile - grimace - took everything it could to keep me quiet. But in the end it was the best thing - I could have spoken up, but what would that get me - he wouldn't change his opinion and it would have ruined the visit that was otherwise wonderful.
I think you do need to learn to keep your mouth shut - and sometimes yes you need to open it. This is a situation where shutting your mouth would be in your own best interest.
But in the long run you might be better off - if this is a deal breaker as a couple - then so be it and move on.
This would be just one of many incidents in your future with this guy who feels he must follow the edicts of his religion and the viewpoints of his parents BEFORE you.
He will live with this decision because he has too strong of family support/ pressure in order to get out of this and be his own man. But - At least he was honest with you for the reason he has made this choice.
Move, change jobs or school, block him on all social media. Don’t apologize or defer to anyone who treats you like this.
Take time to heal your heart and learn from this experience.
There’s a saying: “don’t fish from the crazy lake. “
Good luck. You are going to be OK!
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