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No sex in 15 years...need advice

 
 
Reply Sun 21 Feb, 2021 07:08 pm
I have been happily married for 38 years to the same man and loyal. However, he has not wanted to have sex for 15 years. He tried a time or two but couldn't perform. This is partially due to peronies dysfunction where your penis develops an abnormal curve or bend. He went to a doctor for a while, then didn't want to go back. He drank 24/7 for a few years, got angry and hostile towards me for several years, then was diagnosed with early stage bladder cancer which has gone horribly. I thought I could do without ever having sex again in my life but an old lover and friend found me. We were teenage lovers before I met my husband. His mom died and relatives came one day and took him and he never returned and I never knew what happened to him. We were very close and in love but there was no cell phones or social media so we were separated for nearly 40 years. He went through a lot to find me and did so. Since we have rekindled our friendship and desire for one another. We have not had sex but talk about it in depth. My husband has casually consented to my looking elsewhere for sex but I don't think he was serious. Since he has been ill lately, I don't wish to bring it up to him again. I really want to have sex with my friend, Bob, but I feel so guilty. I would not have sex with anyone else as I have trust issues especially about men I don't know so he is it. I trust him explicitly and feel a bond that is mutual. What should I do. Should I allow myself happiness or just go without sex indefinitely or perhaps forever??? I can't leave my husband as he is ill and I do care for him as a life partner and could not do that. I feel so guilty, ashamed and unsure.
 
CalamityJane
 
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Reply Sun 21 Feb, 2021 10:09 pm
Intimacy is part of a marriage and your husband has resigned himself to abstain from sex. Even though his abstinence is health related he hasn't pursued any other means to satisfy you so I don't see any reason not to have sex with your friend. It's honorable that you'll stay with your husband and take care of him during his illness, but you are entitled to sexual intimacy and if your husband is not willing to satisfy you and show you the affection you need, all bets are off. I'd say go for it!!
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Missingit
 
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Reply Sun 21 Feb, 2021 10:36 pm
Thanks Jane! My husband also makes a point not to do anything nice for me period. He refused to give me a valentines gift, candy, flowers....nothing. I got so depressed I cried all day. Then, the next day, I saw he had received a small package that he opened and left on the table. It turned out that he got himself an expensive ring which he used our joint funds to pay for and receive it on Valentines Day. Ironically, it was the wrong color star ruby, a light pink and not red as he expected. It also, ironically, was the wrong size and fit me perfectly. I asked him who he got it for. He said he got it for himself, but since it was the wrong color and size he had not decided WHO to give it to. My mouth fell open. I can not believe he was that uncaring and allowed me to cry all day when he could have give me the stupid ring he had received. He was just determined NOT to give me anything. I am really confused by his behavior. He acted as if he was acting very normal and could not figure out what MY problem was. I really don't get it.
neptuneblue
 
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Reply Sun 21 Feb, 2021 10:48 pm
@Missingit,
You are trying to justify cheating by acknowledging your husband's callous behavior.

There is nothing in this marriage to salvage but your dignity and honor.

Either do the right thing and divorce or not. It's up to you.
roger
 
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Reply Sun 21 Feb, 2021 11:00 pm
@neptuneblue,
Well, in this very particular case, I agree with Calamity.
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Missingit
 
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Reply Sun 21 Feb, 2021 11:14 pm
@neptuneblue,
I've asked him to leave on more than one occasion and even left and moved to my home now that we had as a getaway and all I could afford when he was drinking nonstop. He followed me. He told me the home was in his name too and he refused to leave. As he is not well now, I have not further pursued it. I will care for him, but I want to be happy at the same time. As far as his denial of getting or doing anything for me, I honestly do not understand this. But, I am conflicted obviously.
Linkat
 
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Reply Mon 22 Feb, 2021 02:53 pm
@Missingit,
I think in this situation - you should deal with him as if he were not ill. It would be one thing if he was kind caring and all that was missing was sex because of his illness.

But it sounds like that is not the case. If he were not ill, would you stay with him?

Another alternative because he brought it up - is to being up front with him. Tell him you do not seem to really care about me as a wife - not just the lack of intimacy, but the lack of not wanting to do anything about it; you also do not show you care for me as a partner in any other way- lay out the examples including this lack of gift/caring more recently. Tell him you cannot live this way. If he wants to live as roommates due to needed help with his illness you would be happy to do so (if you would be) however, you will live just as roommates and not as a couple - freeing you to have another partner.

It sounds like he might be guilting you to stay with him and care for his health.
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Missingit
 
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Reply Mon 22 Feb, 2021 04:39 pm
We have talked about this very thing a couple of months ago and again yesterday. I suggested we try other means of intimacy with touch other than intercourse. He asked me if I were insane. That was kind of weird. I told him again that I longed for the touch of someone who had feelings for me. He told me again as he had a couple of months ago that I am free to have sex with someone other than him. I told him that I did care for him and I felt like we were friends and that I would care for him through his illness which is not likely to end well. He received that very well and said that he thought so too. I know he has some anger about the situation and I feel he takes it out on me sometimes. Sometimes it is in just forgetting me on special days and sometimes it is in him being brutally disrespectful to me. He has also gotten very controlling of me. So, I plan to set boundaries with what behavior I will accept and be upfront with that when he crosses that line. Also, I will accept his agreement that I can seek intimacy elsewhere. As my friend and I were intimate before I know and trust him and feel extreme love from him so he is the only one I'd consider. This is my plan. I appreciate so much any and all input that as it has been very painful situation for me....and to some extent for my husband .....despite his lack of willingness to do anything about the situation. And, I cant change things by myself.
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