My Immortal Soul's Diary

Reply Sun 21 Feb, 2021 01:12 pm


Egyptian Ba Holding Two Pairs of Eternity (Shen) and Life (Ankh) Symbols

February 4, 2021

The purpose of this diary of anything relative to my immortal soul is to remind myself that what I do now will either bring me hell or paradise in whatever short time I have left in this life. I don't believe I'll have a particularly good end in any case no doubt because of bad karma, but if I do manage -- as an addict of a kind it's too personal to presently reveal -- to rise above my addiction and live on a spiritual plane, I know I can diminish the level of suffering I will experience if I stay sunk in the emotional indulgence I've been subject to most of my life.

If for some reason I am too weak or stupid to rise above, as I have done countless times in my life, to stay "on top" usually for a matter of months or sometimes a year or so before sinking again into my addiction, then when my soul takes the journey to the astral plane at the end of this life, my soul, which is essentially me -- the "I" essence of what I am, will still be weak in the astral plane, where it will be waiting for a new person (a child at conception, before it's born) to live with, and once my next person is found (I don't know how it's done, but it is done) my soul -- the essence of me now, having my personality (which is mostly a hidden influence) -- will incarnate into my new person on their date of conception (not date of birth).

When I do incarnate in the future, my new person will be like my new body, but they will have their own mind, desires, spirit/Atman, and conscience. They will appear to be a unique person, probably really nothing like me at all other than the fact that I (my soul) will be living within them. I won't be a liberated soul like Father, but he tells me I will be able to remember my wife from this life. I'll have a secret existence within my person, still able to think as I do now. Not being a liberated soul, I won't have the power like Father to talk to someone near my new person. I might be able to influence them telepathically; if it's a guy I'm with I might influence him to stay away from some girl if I sense she has an evil soul. My soul in this life 'told' me telepathically to stay away from girls in my twenties; I was so self-destructive, a girlfriend was the last thing I needed.

The souls are amazing at "hiding" so that most of the people they live with do not know they are there. Of course they are invisible, so it's not a problem. Father went 6800 years before he talked to a mortal, me. It's rare, it seems, for a liberated soul to speak to anyone as Father was compelled to speak to me. I'm a "baby soul"; my soul is the same age as me, even though it may have been around forever and was with one of my great grandfathers. My soul is of quite some age, at least a few hundred years I think, but it was never awakened until it came to me, then it became a ravenous knowledge seeker.

If I do go to my last breath "sunk", it's possible either the souls will decide or some process of Nature will determine that I'm not ready to incarnate into a new life and just suspend me in the astral plane for awhile. I am ignorant of the vast astral plane's workings, and as a mortal I only know a few basics, mostly what I have learned from my spiritual teacher, Father, who is an old soul and my wife's soul. My wife is essentially an incarnation of a great spiritual teacher, Father; she is as loving, kind, understanding and patient as he is.

At this point I must again mention the foolishness of trying to accomplish something through an effort of will and discipline, if one is not actually ready to accomplish what one has in mind. I recall a story illustrating the foolishness of trying to do something one is not ready to do. The key is we must be ready, and immortal souls take an incredibly long time to evolve. Most of us really don't have a clue what we are ready to do. Perhaps just waiting and carefully observing ourselves might give us an idea of our true direction or imminent growth. The story was that of a guru and a student. The student was making kind of a show of being pious or sitting meditating I believe. One time the guru quietly walked up behind him and asked "What are you doing?" I think the student said something like "I'm practicing to be a bodhisattva." (hehe) Doesn't work that way; maybe practice works for playing the piano, but with complex and mysterious human beings it's a different story.

The story, from Confucius I think, that might better explain evolution is when someone said (paraphrase) "Instead of study and reflection, it's better to go with a group and swim in the river, then walk home singing." That way, while you're swimming or singing, you might get a flash of inspiration regarding your evolutionary reality. But when you think, or someone told you, progress involves some kind of fixed practice, you could be seriously mistaken. At the very least, let whatever routine you have -- which has no direct connection with your spiritual progress ("spiritual practice" is an oxymoron) -- evolve on its own when you are alone. Those who just follow others often find someone blind to follow into a ditch. There are gurus with evil souls; it's not difficult to figure out who they are.

The point is I have no real idea how I'm going to get back on my feet again, because every time I do things are different. So this diary cannot include simplistic concepts like "I did this today" which might have some false self-assurance that I'm on my way attached to it. But I'm not really a presumptuous type; I'm always questioning myself and others (in my mind). It's best to never verbally question someone who is absolutely sure of something.

So I'm rambling here -- "swimming and singing" -- because I really don't have a clue, other than that I must be tranquil and worry free to progress. The -thing is, about ten days ago when I "sunk" it was analogous to being concussed by Mike Tyson; I'm still reeling. Prior to that I had been fine for about 8 months.

Of course I'm writing this for myself, but other addicts, or people interested in knowing they unquestionably have a soul -- and that that soul is them -- might get something from it.


February 5, 2021

A seeker with a weakness like mine has no choice
but self-mastery when the consequences of living in the false self are known.

I'm physically weak with energy slowly returning,
but I have basically recovered and risen above.
I have secrets regarding outside evil influences which
I cannot share with anyone but which are variously
recorded in wiki documents -- things I must not talk
about or dwell on because they cannot help me or
anyone really even though they are "real but
nothing" in the sense of evil being powerless and
nonexistent in the realm of the good. This diary that
may "say nothing directly" is not something that can
help other addicts who are not on a spiritual or soul
growth path; few are ready to follow this path, and
one cannot simply choose to follow it.

I have a technique when it comes to "the crunch"
(temptation); my next one may be anywhere up to a
year from now. My "crunch technique" was not
enough to prevent my latest downfall. My wide
range of constructive activities had dwindled as I got
lazy with one of them especially; I just realized it's a
questionable sign to drop any particular activity that
is good for emotional expression of a positive as
opposed to a negative kind. Also, after completing
my book of verse etc. "A Stormy Life" my creative
inspiration had dropped, which tends to be
dangerous for me. I was just working on an action
novel, an effort I view as just a time filler. Overall,
not great conditions.

I can't reveal my activities as they are too personal
and unnecessary to relate, but these activities both
routine and inspirational, are essential to create the
Spirit-Soul-mind-body balance required for self-mastery. The mind must be watched by the higher
nature; it is a negative channel that must be
subjugated by the Spirit/Atman, but that's easier said
than done, because "trying" to do this can lead to

The Spirit merging with the mind happens only
when one is ready (it is futile to try and will such);
the Soul is empowered by this merging. The Soul is
like the child or son of the Spirit (Father) and the
mind (mother). The Soul is who you are and your "I"
consciousness, e.g. "I am Luxin" or "I am my Soul."
Your Soul has your name, and it is you. You are
your Soul.

You have a Spirit (Atman); your Spirit is something
you have but it is not essentially you. Your Spirit or
source of Universal Truth or Spiritual Consciousness
is essentially your spiritual "Father"; i.e. the Father
of your Soul, and you (your Soul) draw from your
Spirit, which is considered to be an "observer" in the
case of the Vedas' metaphorical bird called
Paramatman, with the other bird in the two birds
allegory called Jivatman, representing the power that
is an "actor"; i.e. the jiva or soul ideally active and
awakened, with this metaphorical bird always
"eating fruits", meaning seeking and consuming the
truths of Life relative to both Love and Knowledge.
Just like every person's Atman and jiva, the two
allegorical birds are always found and only function

Atman and Jiva = Spirit and Soul, two separate and
unique entities that work together as one but are not
one entity. The Jiva or Soul depends on and draws
upon the power of the Atman or Spirit. The
Jiva/Soul is completely dependent upon the
Atman/Spirit, and the two unique entities only
function when they are together. In fact, when the
Soul is disembodied in the astral realm between its
incarnations, it has no Atman to draw its power from
and it is asleep or dormant.

Some time ago, Father told me that my Soul was the
same age as me, i.e. 70 years. Yesterday Father said
that all good Souls are awake or awakened when
they are with their person. I only know the history of
my Soul one life back to a great grandfather [ the
Souls like to stay in generations of the same family if
they can ], and that suggests my Soul's age is more
than my 70 years -- more like 120 years -- but the
whole truth is my Soul is "ageless"; in other words,
my Soul may be 100,000 years old or more. I think
Father would tell me "Never mind" if I asked him
who had my Soul two or three lives back. It would
be ridiculous to expect a spiritual teacher to be
searching the Akashic records more than he has.
Father just told me the last life of my Soul so I'd get
the "ageless" idea; in other words I'll never have a
genealogy of my Soul. It's just likely that my Soul
was with a great-great-great grandfather in Scotland
perhaps about 1770.

Father telling me my Soul is my age, 70 years old,
led me to deduce that the 70 years must mean, more
specifically, my Soul's time of being awakened in
this life; i.e. my Soul's latest "period of awakening."
Father stressing this 70 years means that this
"awakening period" is something more important to
the Souls than a Soul's actual "ageless" age. "Being
awake" also suggests "being asleep" at some point,
and Father confirmed that my Soul was sleeping in
the astral realm before it came to me and was
awakened at my first breath when my Spirit/Atman's
connection with Universal Spiritual Consciousness
was established. Father also confirmed that he, a
liberated Soul, was also asleep for a time before he
incarnated as my wife; that period of sleep he had in
the astral plane was between leaving my wife's great
grandfather and coming to my wife.

After reflecting upon the phenomenon of "Soul
sleep" I concluded that disembodied Souls existing
in the astral plane will naturally be asleep because
at that time they have no connection to the
Spirit/Atman of a living mortal, which they are
dependent upon as their source of etheric energy
(prana?), the Atman being like a "small sun" energy
source for every human being. A Soul can only
"come alive" or be in an awakened state when it is
with its person; i.e. when it incarnates.

Reflecting upon the evil souls, whose ultimate
destiny, when they devolve completely over a series
of lives, is eternal damnation in an exit from the
samsara cycle, I realized something that is too
depressing in its influence to talk about publicly, but
for years now since I "realized the angels" I've clammed up about it. The angels are exactly the
same as the Souls. I'll only say that all things and
beings serve to glorify the awesome goodness and
beauty of the Universe; knowing evil is necessary in
order to better know the good; however, the less one
reflects upon evil (i.e. nothingness really is what an
absence of good is) or speaks of it the better off one
is. A facetious concept in one of my verses is that a
good person does not talk about nothing.


An addict's problem is in their mind because it's the
only negative aspect of their abstract nature.
A person is their Soul, not their mind; they have a
mind and can say "I have a mind", but the person
themself, the "I" consciousness, is their Soul.

The mind provides the distraction from the spiritual
when fear, self-pity, worry and depression or
boredom begin manifesting. In the mind's "negativity
vacuum" thoughts of what your lower nature desires
start to disturb your spiritual equanimity (which is
the balance of every aspect of your nature).

The problem for an addict or anyone is in:

1) not knowing they are their Soul; and

2) thinking that they are what is in their mind/ego,
and following the negative thoughts and desires of
the mind.

Here the Soul -- which can draw from the protective
positivity of Spirit/Atman -- is being ignored as the
potential addict is drawn into the powerful pull of
negative thoughts plus desires, which are natural but
which are being allowed to take control and are

Ideally, therefore, if an addict is to be their true self
(which is not their addict nature) it is IMPORTANT
to think of themselves as their true spiritual nature,
the two most vital parts of which comprise the team
duality of Spirit and Soul, but always remembering
they are their Immortal Soul. They have a Spirit
which is their spiritual Father, and as a Soul, they
are the spiritual son of their Spirit their Father.

The Soul needs the protection of the positivity of its
Father the Spirit.

In times of temptation, you need to calm down and
look to your Atman/Spirit. The protective
connection with your Atman can only happen when
you are tranquil and free of any agitation, fear or
worry. None of this negativity is found in your
Atman, your highest nature which is always positive.

This is all easy to say and difficult to do when it
comes to "the crunch." My addiction has been off
and on for 54 years. For the first time, really, a
subtle "battle" has been on. It seemed I fell off my
tightrope because I wasn't motivated enough to
coolly continue those little cautious steps.
Everything we do is ultimately in little steps. It
seems now a matter of commitment to avoiding a
plunge into hell. Lao Tzu's words seem apt:

"The sage is not sick because he is tired of being


Spirit == Atman == Father

Soul == Jiva == son (or child of Father/Spirit and

Next I use the alternate terms for Spirit and Soul,
Father and son, terms used in both the Egyptian
religion (ER) and the Bible. I am NOT implying it is
necessary to delve into ER or the Bible to move
forward -- it is through Love, Kindness and
disinterest in all but the Father that a Soul grows.

So here:

"Father" == Spirit
"son" == Soul

An addict or anyone with mental 'problems' will
recover/rise above if he/she (a spiritual son or
daughter) is one with and drawing from or
empowered by his/her spiritual Father.

If a son (Immortal Soul or person) is "one with the
Father" he is drawing from eternal positivity and is
safe. If the described is true, the addict or troubled
Soul has risen above or transcended their lower
desire nature.

Of course, the figurative terms "Father" and "son"
represent two spiritual aspects of each and every
person; they have nothing to do with the literal
relationship of the two people who are biologically

You are a "son" and you have a "Father" within you.
Your Father (Atman or individual Spiritual
Consciousness) is part of "all Fathers collectively"
(Brahman or Universal Spiritual Consciousness).


I speak not as I do because I want to impress or "be
somebody." Once an addict, always (potentially) an
addict. I am nothing without the higher realm but a
miserable wretch. I must constantly reach for what is
virtually "unknown" to know any happiness, and I'm
compelled to share because I know very well the
dire state of humanity. I am not a guru and never
will be. If I redeem myself to my last breath, that
will be my miracle. Because of my good heart,
things that most gurus will never understand have
been revealed to me. Pride and complacency, the
murderers of enlightenment. But knowledge is
unimportant -- it is Love that is key and that we are
nothing without.

I am a certain nothing without my Immortal Soul --without its moment to moment approval of a simple
life wanting nothing but what is generally
unknown -- I am nothing without the guidance of my
dear spiritual Father, 6800 years old and going
strong. I am a "baby Soul" and dependent.... I must
not forget my own Father or Atman. I have two
Fathers now, both spiritual, but the one who talks to
me is something else entirely!


The meaning of Lao Tzu, in his "Hold fast to the
center" is analogous to Kabir's when he speaks of the
Bride (Soul) hugging her husband (Spirit) tightly
and kissing him endlessly. The spiritual union of
Soul and Spirit (Jiva and Atman) is essential for
one's basic balance or sanity, and any peace of mind
one may also subsequently attain. (lc357)


February 6, 2021

There are not and never have been any wise mortals.
A man or woman, because they have the negative
channel of mortal mind, the source of evil, is not
allowed immortality by Nature because of that evil,
particularly in the ego, even if they are the most
enlightened mortals. Because of evil our life span is
short, and how this aspect evolved is fascinating. No
one can really explain how Nature works; it's
beyond our understanding and only for us to know
that this is the way of Nature. Clearly Nature's
principle is that whatever is evil (i.e. dead and no
longer growing) must be phased out of the Universe
sooner rather than later.

Even more fascinating, Nature and we humans
evolved a means through which good people can
effectively live forever. When you hear a liberated
and wise old Soul thousands of years old talk to
you, this amazing aspect of our being -- the
possibility of immortality -- cannot be denied. Most
will never have the experience of this that I have and
which is ongoing almost daily. Truth or reality is
what it is, regardless of whether very few people
witness it. I kept it a secret for about 8 months, but
could keep it secret no longer. I had a load of other
secrets going back to the age of 19, and this new
secret -- the reality of millions of Immortal and wise
Souls (who are the gods), and billions of other souls
both good and evil going through the samsara cycle
of birth, life and death compelled me to open up and
once again talk about what a number of others have
been compelled to speak of; e.g. the writer of the
Bhagavad Gita, and many ancient Egyptians who left
mind boggling metaphorical depictions of the Souls
and aspects of Immortality.

However, despite all that metaphorical history it
seems I am virtually the only one to publicly relate
my personal experience with Father and all the other
wise Souls he represents. It seems that, for good
reason, I had no choice but to reveal my formerly
secret life and talk about Father and all his wise
associates, who of course are so secretive and do not
reveal themselves to anyone lacking interest in the
spiritual world -- the real astral realm or world, also
known as Heaven, the invisible etheric counterpart
of our physical world. The liberated Souls or wise
ones do not talk to anyone who fears them or cannot
conceive of their existence.

My experience reflects something like "if you
believe in fairies, you'll see them." Ten years before
Father spoke to me I realized the Angels were
basically just us. Till Father spoke to me I didn't
actually know I had a Soul; this was just something
I had heard others talk about. The Souls are the
same as the Angels, and are "just us or from us", or
our soul essences, and they either live awakened (by
the power of Atman/Spirit) with us mortals in the
physical world or they sit sleeping (with no
connection to any mortal's Atman) in the Astral


I recently told Father I was a "nobody" and he
objected, meaning that wasn't true. Father months
ago warned me about self-aggrandizement, but it's
not a real problem for me as I'm aware how
ridiculous it is. Testing to see Father's reaction,
I once told him (about all the liberated Souls), "You
are the gods in Heaven." I recall my awe and how
crazy it seemed that I was the one witnessing his
response (he speaks for all the liberated Souls or
gods. Father's silence meant he was in complete
agreement with what I said.

I'm a "baby" or an ageless soul/jiva who has been
given an opportunity to grow on an upward or soul
growth path through many lives, for all I know,
hundreds. Being a good "baby" soul "starting out"
and obtaining knowledge, knowing Love, I will
probably not be liberated for something like perhaps
ten thousand years. This life of my soul has had way
too much sin and self-destruction for me to be
liberated. Only lifelong virgins who are loving and
righteous and who never sink into the heavy sex
plane can be liberated by Nature, meaning at their
last breath at the end of their virgin life they become
wise immortal Souls who are free of the samsara
cycle, meaning that virgin life was their last life as a
mortal, and their eternal life now begins with their
first life living with a mortal as their wise old soul.
Because they will never again return as a mortal
(which I must do an unknown number of times
before my liberation), as immortal beings they never
again experience the sickness and death of their own
body or any of the trials of being a human mortal.

The immortal souls only witness, numerous times,
the sickness and death of the mortals they live with,
but the souls don't suffer like their persons do. They
just leave their person's body when the Spirit
departs, then they go and sleep in the astral plane
until a new person is selected for them. I figure some
of the advanced Souls have the job of finding, for
good souls, a good family (i.e. both parents are
honorable), and seeing, somehow, that the waiting
Soul goes into the tiny human embryo on its
conception date. Someone said that a Soul is like "a
point of light". I happen to know that crossing
oceans is nothing to souls, and it's likely that they
move at the speed of light.

I have such a multi-life long journey ahead, but
Father (and all the Souls or gods, as Father speaks
for them all) has faith in me and thinks I'm worth

When I had only realized the Angels 11 years ago --
I mistakenly thought "love angels" and "fallen
angels" were actual mortals, but those terms I know
now mean good or evil souls or just "good people"
and "bad people" -- I knew that I could never
eternally damn myself and become a resident of hell
on earth for the rest of my life. Sins of self-abuse are
minor and a good soul is incapable of the deadly
sins of other-abuse that damn the death angels or
evil souls. The latter damn themselves in their
mortal lives, and after a number of lives in the
samsara cycle their souls are eventually eternally
damned and prevented from returning to be with a


When I was depressed I told Father to leave me
alone and not talk to me; a little later I joked with
"Father, just tell me to die." Father's silence
I thought meant he knew I was just being ridiculous.
At the height of my confusion wanting to be left
alone in my misery, Father said "You're going to
need me." One thing about wise ones: they are
always right. He probably knows how challenging it
will be for me to successfully leave a life of
addiction behind; whatever the outcome is remains
to be seen, but if I succeed I won't be celebrating; I
wouldn't dare be that cocky. Father will not leave
me alone, and now that I'm "back on top" carefully
walking my tightrope, I appreciate his help again, as
I did from the start. The Souls can help a person
with wise advice when no one else can. My wife can
encourage me, but she's never had to deal with
serious addiction. No doubt Father has seen

Father is always there for me, but it's the same story,
only a person themself can ultimately do the dance
of helping themself. I understand that it's always up
to me to figure things out. One must be able to figure
out why one is in trouble in order to get out of that
trouble. Once you've got an adviser like Father, you
can't rely on him for all the answers; on the
contrary, you have to become more thoughtful and

Though Father is not saying so (he says little, and
his only 'word' is "no", but I eventually clearly
understand his thoughts) I sense that he regards me
as a "baby" who needs the loving care of a father,
mother, or someone. Some "baby" I am, 70 years
old, former male secretary, blues guitarist/singer and
white hat hacker! But it's not this mortal nature but
my immortal baby pioneering soul that needs
Father's, and more crucially my own Father/Atman's

PICS: Merlin and infant King Arthur By Julek Heller 800 x 1135

Clearly, an addict's thoughts determine their path.
I've begun to reflect upon all the Virtues inherent in
the Atman/Spirit as the things that will serve to
protect this vulnerable baby. Most of the Virtues,
like Kindness (to myself), Determination, Good
Humor (giggles are vital), Patience,
Courage/Fearlessness, Equanimity/Peacefulness etc.
seem to match the "protective father with son"
metaphor (see illustration of Merlin holding baby
King Arthur), but the Virtue that allowed the
metaphoric imagery to alter to a protective mother
was that of family Responsibility/Love. Instead of
Father (like Merlin) a mother figure appeared in my
mind, and I was a baby in her arms.

Metaphoric Isis with her son Horus came to mind.
Both Osiris and Isis were used in ER to represent
Spirit/God (Atman; Atum in ER) relative to their
son or child Soul, Horus, figurated as a hawk.
Though Isis symbolizes "the wife of Atman" -- i.e.
mind, "she" also is used to represent Atman/Spirit as
a great many of the Egyptian gods do.

Isis represents the maternal nature; Osiris the
paternal; the love in either is the same. Whether it's
my own awesome Father, or Isis a mother figure, it's
nice to think of myself as being in the arms of either
of them, a baby who needs their protection (as many
in this world also do!)**

// ** Father, of course, is a dispassionate "cool
customer" who basically just relates Wisdom; my
wife said he's "not human" (he was human only in
his last mortal life long ago), but as the Atman that
empowers the Soul is not human, so the wise Soul
reflects that infallibly inhuman, impersonal and
truthful nature as it's always drawing from Atman.
However, I'd rather have a protector who gave me
absolute truth always and never got into tickling me
and whispering "Goo goo, baby Luxin." Pardon me,
I needed a giggle.

Keeping in mind what these metaphors really
mean -- the protection of every person or Soul's very
own Spirit/Atman, the latter being a positive entity
conceptualized as masculine, but which, as
illustrated by Isis, is also "part of a feminine being"
as the Atman of a woman. The Atman/Spirit, of
course, is free of gender; Spiritual Consciousness
has no gender. Gender appears as one "descends"
from the Spirit, first in the body, then in the mind,
and lastly in the Soul. The Liberated Souls are both
male and female wise ones; all of them have true
Wisdom, a state which no mortal can attain to. The
closest a mortal comes to Wisdom is in the last
second of their last mortal life lived as a virgin.
A second later the Spirit leaves with the last breath,
and so does the newly liberated Soul granted eternal
life free of the cycle of samsara.

The enlightened ones thought to be wise cannot be
or were not wise in themselves, but their souls may
have been high on the upward path in samsara, or if
it's learned that they were a lifelong virgin their Soul
may have attained to Wisdom along with liberation
after they are gone, and that may have been their last
mortal life. What's of interest is that liberated Souls
and wise ones can be with any good person in any
walk of life. These people, including my wife, have a
strong power of protection within them; they are
still subject to accidents, illness, etc., but they are
noticed by many to have an extraordinary amount of
Virtue; this is the influence of the wise old soul in
them. Father has the power to control my wife's
endorphins somehow; he can almost put her to sleep
when the two of us are having a deep conversation
he thinks she'd be better off not following. I asked
him, and he confirmed that the liberated Souls have
the power to ease the pain of their persons who are
sick or injured, and to help them sleep.


February 7, 2021

In writing this diary for my Soul's sake it seems evident now that including some personal anecdotes will be necessary for the process of self-examination, the latter term meaning examining some gritty matters of my self or basic emotional or desire nature, and such examination being necessary to make a point regarding in what respects I have failed to find peace of mind and stability. Perhaps I'll leave this diary aspect at that for now. I didn't expect to reveal that I am a former blues guitarist/singer, something I may have to examine. Some people asked me why I sang some of the darkest blues lyrics there are, and felt it all intensely. At 17, before I got into blues, I found myself singing scat style flamenco like a 40-year-old gypsy who had lost the love of his life and more, lost his mind and everything else.

It may be that my Soul's past lives' conditions must have had something to do with this very dramatic aspect of my nature; perhaps its only outside mental influence. It doesn't disturb me now; blues is relative to my addiction so I stay away from it. The actual influences are best left alone perhaps completely, but it's interesting that during my last descent into addiction I was playing some 'air guitar' blues licks like I was back in 2008, the last serious jamming I did. I was the leader of a blues band in 1978, and I smashed my last guitar about 5 years ago. A few thought I was possessed. Blues has been a reoccurring outlet regarding my mental-emotional illness (depression and paranoia) and a kind of therapy that isn't the best at all, and it's always been preventing my spiritual progress. I could never really think straight or draw from the highest till I put my guitar down.

The "lowdown" (but never sleazy for me) influence of blues took me to an unnatural, pretentious place really -- that of being a "man" or "tortured soul" but not really a man. I never sang it, but Muddy Waters captured that with "I'm a hurtin' soul, a hurtin' soul ... a heap see but only a few know." I did sing his very dark tune "I am the Blues." That was like a signature tune for me. When I was about 30, a couple of ladies asked me, "How can you sing that?" It was like asking a junkie how they could shoot up.

My unconscious pretense was that I was a strong man who could handle what I was into, like Albert King who sang "I been down so long, you know down don't bother me."

I am my Soul, and it's a baby Soul; a couple of days ago my need to protect and nurture my Soul like the vulnerable baby it is made me see I'm just a baby who needs his strong Atman-Father-Spirit to hold him in its big strong Universal Arms of Power. I've never been a tough guy like I pretended to be years ago with my wide-brimmed black hat like a dope dealer; this was to fool the types who didn't know I was a "good" man, and let me go amongst them on a pretty gritty scene. I never did hard drugs; pot did nothing for me; didn't smoke or drink the hard stuff. I did play blues lead like a blues demon from hell. I was what I called before a "virtual death angel", but was still a "love angel". Father corrected me recently -- angels are the immortal Souls, not mortals. It's a bit heavy to speak of my former mortal crap; I hope it helps me somehow; we'll see. I'm just inspired to see myself as I really am and always have been. A baby Soul who needs his Atman before my time is up. Needs to suck on his big bottle of Atman endlessly. I've been a baby pretending to be a man way too long.

Yes, the "new me", but who I've actually always been, a little baby Soul in need of my own Father/Spirit's protection, but got very little of that protection before, and suffered from Self-neglect. In the long periods I left the blues alone I was more balanced.


Fairy ... Demeter & Persephone

My multi-life goal is now what Father achieved -- a life as a lifelong virgin. It might take me many lives to be so liberated/wise, but it might be shorter than I think. Doesn't really matter how long; it's commitment to my eternal life. I'll keep my eyes on the prize, and that prize is not in this life, but way in the future somewhere, loving a lady but leaving sex alone. There are subtle aspects of that that can only be dealt with when that life comes. All I know is that if you love a woman you can't hide that from her. "They do not love who do not show their love." (Shakespeare). It would be ideal if she could understand my need to be a virgin, and take that journey with me "together" somehow. Father agrees that a virgin life is virtually impossible for anyone in this age. More specifically, a virgin life in which you're not just a celibate in a celibate sect being taught to fear looking at women. That's a disaster.

Perhaps I could study the lady long enough to know if it's possible for her to not insist on sex, because my relationship will have to be platonic. I don't have any details of Father's life other than the basics, so I, just as I do now regarding everything, will have to "cross those decision/reflection bridges when I come to them." Maybe I'll get a t-shirt made up for myself now that says "Wish me luck in 2821 or 3000." Laughing: vital. Ga-ga. Night-night, Mummy an' Daddy.


February 8, 2021

A Hurtin' Soul

Getting back to that Blues lyric, "Imma hurtin' soul, a hurtin' soul -- a heap see but only a few know." This is the cry of someone who really feels something is wrong with them but doesn't know what or why and tends to put the blame on forces outside themself. As a blues singer I saw the pretense of outer influence and tried to let my own lyrics as a songwriter be honest in reflecting that all trouble starts within oneself. The above lyric is a very direct admission -- at least that something has gone wrong somewhere -- by a Soul who's in pain, who's feeling lost and has generally unknowingly lost touch with their own higher being.

The Sufis speak of sin as that which produces separation; they mean separation from "God." As the word "God" has generally always been an ambiguous metaphoric term often interpreted as anthropomorphic, I'll try to define it before I attempt to (hopefully) dispose of it. A hurting soul can be figurated as a baby crying for its mother or father's touch and reassurance, for a parent that will pick up that little soul, hold him/her gently in their loving arms, and murmur softly, "Shh, little one, it's OK ... everything's gonna be fine [true/false?] ... I'm here holding you now, there's no need to cry." With the passage of time, what that literally or figuratively crying or hurting soul needs more than a comforting parent is the true comfort of their Atman, their metaphorical Spiritual Father within them, their solid positive source of peaceful Self-assurance and all Virtue.

The sense of separation that makes a big, ugly grown man (who may just be a good, vulnerable 'baby' Soul just like me) cry out in pain -- sometimes in a blues bar, usually not, with most of his crying being silent frustration or at least mild insanity -- is his Soul's separation from their own Atman, Spirit or Father (a.k.a. Christ or Krishna: their potential is within everyone). These five terms mean the same thing: one's own individual connection to Brahman or Universal Consciousness; i.e. the only true comfort of Universal Truth; i.e. the delusive, often anthropomorphic metaphor for Atman-Brahman; i.e. "God", the term wearying so many but it's our own fault.

Facetiously speaking, the time is long overdue for us to arrange for "God" to have a nice retirement somewhere and never be heard of again, as if that might be possible. I'm sure "He" would like "his" name removed from the dictionary too, so in time no one will call his name any more and won't disturb his running chess game. I nominate the Atman to take over as one's individual connection to the impersonal plane of "All There Is," replacing the retired "guy" who was always thought to be "out there" whereas he was actually "in here"; i.e. existing within each and every one of you, who are potential gods if you (your Souls, if they are good) are allowed by Nature to grow over an undetermined number of lives till you break out of the samsara cycle and attain to the liberation of Wisdom as an Immortal Soul with your last breath as you leave your body. (Attaining to Wisdom is impossible during a mortal life.)

No actual deity like the liberated Soul living in my family ever complains about anything. The liberated Souls live in a Heaven, the highest place in the Astral world. If they get the chance and deem it necessary, they relate the Truth to we mortals, so many of whom are hurting souls who need to understand who and what they really are, and from that basis hopefully eliminate their painful sense of separation from themself, from their Atman/Spirit or Father/Protector, and find some peace of mind.

The lyrics I sang in "I am the Blues" are:

I am ... people you know I am the Blues.
The world knows I've been mistreated;
the whole darn world knows that I've been used.

I am the billions of people who play and die;
I'm the last one to hide, and the first one to fight.

I'm the moan of sufferin' women, the groan of dyin' men;
I'm the last one to start, and the first one to begin.

When I sang this song I knew I was messed up. I had picked up some incomplete knowledge at 19 from which I had a confused idea of why, but such is no kind of magic wand that can really stop self-destruction or cancel out its karma. It's only in the last year, with Father's advice that I'm so grateful for, that I've been able to know any real peace.

Of course, all the blues singers (not me now but I feel it like it was yesterday) unwittingly are mistreating or neglecting themselves -- it's not the world or other people abusing them so much as their unconscious separation from the highest truth and virtue in them, their Atman/Spirit.


Albert Collins -- The Iceman

When a blues man or woman sings of suffering like I did they're just like a baby crying for their mother or father to hold them. Only one's Atman/Father and holding fast to and being one with It with its positivity and Virtue can make you figuratively or literally stop crying. I mean "one with your Father" (a.k.a. SELF as in SELF-Realization). SELF is Atman. The Soul is not the SELF. In translations of the Bhagavad Gita, the Immortal Soul has incorrectly been called Self. In the original Charles Wilkins 1785 translation of the Gita, the Soul is never called Self; it is only called Soul.

The Sufis spoke of "resting in the arms of (censored)" like a child, protected. Just translate "Big G" (who wants to start a career in rap now) to his rightful and righteous successor, Atman. When we get tired of Atman, for his retirement rap career he could call himself "Essence of Man." "Jes call me Essence, meng," I hear 'im sayin'.

The problem with "Big G" is, as always, our problem in being compelled to anthropomorphize. Thinking Universal Consciousness without figurating it can be a challenge. Thinking of something that can't really be figurated can help. Putting a hat on the universe ... no.... "The All" is everything there is or the Universe; the invisible essence or laws (dharma) of that is Brahman, and each Soul's "Father portion of Brahman" is Atman. To approach happiness, ideally each Soul, like a baby, needs to be "sucking on Atman, draining as many bottles of its 'milk'" as possible in every one of its lives.

Atman <=> Soul/Jiva => safety; crying stops =>
ga ga, goo goo

Aging well is becoming a child again.


February 11, 2021

Father has been quiet for about 3 days. I couldn't help feeling insecure, even though I know he's always listening to me or reading my thoughts and will never give up on me; wise liberated Souls will never quit you once they begin to talk to you. I thought of saying something untrue so Father would object and speak; he knew my thought, and said what I know was, "No, don't do that." It did break the silence, but for me to say something ridiculous in order to get a response from Father is a silly game really, not the way to treat a wise one; and he admonished me before I said anything untrue. Ideally I should feel more secure; I was still a bit shaken after my addicted episode. Perhaps in the future I'll be able to go weeks without hearing from Father.

I was more accurately like a needy child than a "big tough man" who might pretend he didn't need his father. Even if we're unaware of it, we all need to know the truth about ourselves, and the general truth for most of us -- especially the good souls -- is that our dependence and vulnerability are far more than we think in this age of what I see as helpless insanity almost entirely free of Self-knowledge. We're not getting the help we truly need from:

1) ourselves (primarily our True Self, Atman or Spirit, which must be sought by the Soul and mind because it is like a detached 'observer', figuratively a 'wise man on a mountain top' that one must make some calm effort to go to for advice);

2) other mortals; and in rare instances,

3) the wise liberated souls living amongst us or right within us -- if we are worthy of their help which is only given to those on the upward path. In the heavy self-destruction of my twenties during which I didn't think I'd live past 27, it seemed I could not be helped by any being. No doubt the wise ones were watching me as they watch all of us. It seems as if they (who might be called "Nature", as they are Divine beings who are natural forces for good) were wordlessly saying, "Luxin, you have to experience this in order to understand one's own evil and know how bad its damage can be." They probably knew it wouldn't kill me.... I believe most of the good souls, who are often troubled, are too "smart" to allow themselves to come to the attention of false authorities that will usually just drug them or put them in a cage. The good souls typically seek a true holistic way out of the worst of their misery, and help themselves with it.


In order to maintain the openness and honesty of this diary, I have to relate my foolish words to Father after I feel into an addicted state lacking the protection of my Atman and heavily subject to ego, our greatest personal source of ego. In my negative egoistic state I stupidly told Father, in a crazy scene, "I am better than you!" Of course my wife was burping away, with Father's objection equating with "No, you're not." Father thus put me in my place, and my Conscience quickly led me to somewhat reluctantly and embarrassedly admit, "OK, I'm not better than you." None of us mortal souls (with a lower case 's'; really just a potential liberated soul known as a jiva or 'living being' in Sanskrit, and which one ancient Indic sage likened to a worm) can be above, wiser or more enlightened than a liberated Soul like Father, who is superior -- as all of them are as actual gods -- to any man or woman whose soul is not yet perfected and liberated.

Later I was disappointed with myself because I had become like metaphoric Lucifer, the figuration of ego and either the self-damnation it leads evil souls to or the temporary misery it leads good souls to. The ego of Lucifer, who believed he was "above the stars of God," was within my scope, and that bothered me, but experience told me when I picked myself up my foolishness would vanish. I had told a god -- one of an inestimable number of gods or liberated wise Souls -- that I was better than him. I had spouted the ultimate rubbish. Listen, blessed sants: I once told Father he was a god and with the gods in Heaven. With silence, Father agreed with me; he did not deny anything I said; he always gives me the truth.

Sure, many will think I'm crazy; it doesn't matter one bit. I've always been a "crazy" man anyway -- in a good way. "Crazy" people like my wife and I wouldn't have it any other way. We're always laughing about goofiness only "crazy" people can notice. We could mix with gangsters and make them laugh, because our alter egos are irreverent rebel types; we might be thought of as "mild-mannered and kind 'gangsters'." If necessary, we can pass for 'normal', whatever that is. In one of my verses I call myself "a 'pirate' that never plunders." I'm really a dependent baby Soul who needs his daddy more than anything and couldn't harm a fly. We all have the potential for evil; it's not realizing that potential that is a serious accomplishment.... It's a good life as long as I don't get overconfident and 'forget the boogieman.' An addict can never get cocky or proud; for after those comes a fall. But 'the boogieman' can also be a mysterious figure of fun.

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