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Word Choice

 
 
Reply Mon 21 Sep, 2020 10:09 am
Is this sentence clear or is there a better choice:

I looked up to her when we were young girls for her determination as she competed as a gymnast and won lots of medals and the hearts of everyone with her energy.
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Type: Question • Score: 0 • Views: 262 • Replies: 1
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izzythepush
 
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Reply Mon 21 Sep, 2020 10:50 am
@LBrinkmann,
I think there’s too much information for one sentence, and other than the full stop at the end there’s no punctuation.

I would say admired instead of looked up to because it’s less ambiguous.

The phrase when we were young seems tacked on and would be better elsewhere.

How about,

When I was young I had a friend called x.

I admired her for her determination, she had won lots of medals as a gymnast and was very popular.

The first sentence may not be correct because I don’t know the relationship between you and her, she may have been your friend, relative, acquaintance or just someone you knew.

The second one is alright though.

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