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Should I settle for bad sex if he’s the person I love most?

 
 
Reply Wed 8 Jul, 2020 06:08 pm
My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. We are both 21. He’s my first real boyfriend. I have no one really to compare him to. I do believe I love him. Our relationship is easy. There is little drama, obviously the occasional bicker, but as a whole there’s not much conflict. He is my best friend and I can see a future with him. We talk about our future together and I never doubt it. I have a lot of male friends and I have never met one that I can connect to on the same level emotionally. That said I feel like our love life has not quite reached its pinnacle or else at least not in my eyes.

I have had sex with one other person before my boyfriend , with a total asshole I may add. But I was young and stupid. I used to feel under pressure to have sex with him. “Maybe he’d like me better then”. I find it so sad to look back on the lack of respect I had for myself. I would love to go back and convince my younger self of my own worth. I’d also love to go back and kick him in the balls.

So long story short, my sex life didn’t get off to a good start. Sex wasn’t enjoyable to me. It was something that was only to be enjoyed by the male.
I had sex for the first time with my boyfriend over 2 months into our relationship, it wasn’t something we really had discussed but it was the first night we spent the night together after a night out. We were both after drinking but we’re both aware. Again, this experience left a lot to be desired. The first time with someone involves a lot of overthinking and worrying about what the other person likes.

2 years is a long time, obviously since this first experience, we have become completely comfortable with each other and sex has been better but I feel like my boyfriend gets much more out of it. I sometimes ask myself if I have ever even orgasmed, I think I have, twice. It felt like I was having an out of body experience, I become very flushed but it only lasts 20 seconds max until it seems to stop. And then I must keep going until my boyfriend finishes.

I have only had this sensation while on top. Hands down I enjoy being on top way than him on top. But I would say I end up on top 10% of the time. I wish it was 50/50 but I don’t know how to say it.

90% of the time I do have a sexual drive, I look forward to having sex, even though there has definitely been occasions where I haven’t enjoyed the sex. I find it strange how I still have a desire to have sex. I never let my boyfriend know this. I’m worried he will feel insecure. It’s terrible that sometimes I’m moaning but it’s because of the discomfort I’m in during sex rather than the pleasure. This is a bit tmi but he loves closing my legs in missionary and raising my knees towards my head. When he starts going I feel like I’m a turkey being stuffed. I just do not like it but he has expressed his enjoyment from it.

I’m just sad because sometimes I feel like anything I like he doesn’t. Recently we tried out a vibration ring and a vibrator. We didn’t really use the vibratory but we did make used of the ring. He was not a fan or the vibrations, I was! After all that’s what’s good for the female. I had told me in future he just wants a ring without any vibrations which is not much good to me.

This evening I had a similar scenario to Cynthia in “sex in the city” .. in my mind I was screaming just get on with it!!! I just wanted it to end. This is surely an alarm bell! It shouldn’t be like this. I’m going away with him next week and I’m honestly not looking forward to all of the sex. Atm we both live with our parents so it’s not often we have freedom to have sex as we please. There is a lot of sleeping around. It’s unfair to blame him for planning to have plenty of sex and fun in the bedroom but I’m just not overly excited myself.

I apologise for dragging on. But has anyone anything to say to me? Hit me with a tonne of bricks if you have to. Be brutally honest. I need live advice. Is it acceptable to just settle?
 
View best answer, chosen by mimichicax
jespah
 
  4  
Reply Wed 8 Jul, 2020 06:36 pm
@mimichicax,
Lots of women don't orgasm with just regular ole sex. It's no biggie. That's what foreplay is for, for many women.

No lie. You need a different form of stimulation than he does. So talk! The basis of any good relationship is communication, and this area is no different.

"I really like it when you..."
"I hope you like it when I..."
"Why don't we try to...?"
"Maybe we could..."
"Let's go for something like..."

Keep it positive and light. You're not nagging; you're suggesting. Work together to find solutions (yes, there are probably several ways to approach this) and put them into practice. It'll be trial and error and there will be errors. Don't dwell on them; just cross it off your list as something that didn't work and move onto the next thing.

People who love and respect each other make an effort to make each other happy. It's time to get creative.
0 Replies
 
maxdancona
 
  2  
Reply Wed 8 Jul, 2020 06:36 pm
@mimichicax,
I am not sure what this question means.

In one sense, what you are describing is normal. It is really easy to be excited about a new relationship with emotions high and neurochemicals zipping around your brain. After a couple of years the newness and the chemicals die down and you have to do some work to make the relationship grow through the next stage.

But then you are talking about "bad sex"... but you have noted that a least a couple of times you have had a good experience with this person? It is not really clear.

Let me make a couple of points.

1) Good sex is about communication. You note that there is a position that you don't enjoy. Hopefully you have talked about that. He has said that he doesn't like vibration. Hopefully you respect that.

The key is to figure out things that you both like (or that one of you loves and is OK for the other person). If it were me, I would find a way to give you the vibrations you want without vibrating myself... there are all kinds of ways to do this and all kinds of ways.

Talk about what you like and dislike. And listen to what he likes and dislikes. Then figure it out. As long as both of you are open, you will find plenty that excites both of you.

I dabble in kink. There is a ritual in Kink that is really useful for everyone. I have my partner make three lists... things that she loves or would like to try; things that she is not sure about or is nervous about; things that are absolutely off of the table. Once I have this list, then it is off to the races and I know exactly how to proceed.

In kink we have safewords and other ways to communicate what we like/dislike without breaking the mood. This is super important to me. I am not saying you should try kink. I am saying that you should make sure you are able to communicate before, during and after sex about what you like and dislike.

2) Good sex is giving. There are things that I don't particularly like that my partner craves. I go for it because I love my partner and I to make her happy. There are a couple of things that I don't like at all. For these things I draw a line and sorry I won't do that.

But for great sex, it is best for you to do things even if they aren't your favorite; and do them with enthusiasm. And similarly your partner should do the same.

3) The relationship is more than sex.

You say that you really like the relationship. Sure sex is important, but it isn't particularly healthy to say "if he doesn't get better at sex I am leaving". What is better is to say "I want to have better sex with this partner. I will be open to what he wants and I will communicate what I want and together we will be great."

I suppose that if I had a partner who wasn't willing or able to make the effort I might leave. But I would hate to give up a great relationship without fighting for it.


0 Replies
 
chai2
  Selected Answer
 
  3  
Reply Wed 8 Jul, 2020 06:53 pm
@mimichicax,
Here is how you tell a man you like having sex on top....

When in bed with him say "You know? I really like having sex on top. Let's do that more often."

You say you don't want him to "feel insecure"?
It doesn't sound like you mind feeling insecure around him.

Good sex is always always always about good communication.

If a person is comfortable enough to have sex with someone, they are in the catagory of being comfortable enough to tell each other what they want.

He's no more experienced than you, but it seems you are ok with him letting you know what he wants, but you don't feel you can.
Chances are, he would like to know what you like.

When sex is better for you, it's going to be better for him.

If you don't like a position, especially because it's causing you discomfort, you are in no obligation to do it. In fact, you have the responsibility to tell him when something hurts, or you don't like it.

The days of "He's the man, the sex is for him" is long past my dear.

You have every right to enjoyable sex as anyone else.

I would like you to get this book. It's called "Vagina" by Naomi Wolf. In addition, I would like you to actually read it.

It is written by a woman, and for women. But, can be very helpful to men too.

At one point in my long marriage problems started to occur in our sex. Not through lack of affection, but because of physical factors.

I would lie in bed next to him reading from that book. It was a very intimate thing, and he was facinated. It helped a lot.

You may not be comfortable reading to him.....but you need to read the book for yourself, to understand your own mind and body better.

Finally, if a man is going to feel insecure because another person lets him know what he can do to please them, he's not much of a man.

0 Replies
 
Teufel
 
  1  
Reply Thu 23 Jul, 2020 05:55 pm
@mimichicax,
There is an old adage which goes "Sex is 10% of what is right with a good relationship and 90% of what is wrong with a bad one" ... That is pretty much true in my long experience and many varied life.

What it means is that in a really good relationship sex is not a huge issue. My wife and I have been together 30+ years. We have two adult children ..... Myself I became chronically ill a decade+ ago ..... My wife is 8 yrs younger than me but she has had crashing migraines and hormone issues for the past 15 years .... However for the first 15 years together, we undertook some form of sexual activity just about every single day ... Presently we have had no form of sex for 10 years ongoing. We are highly unlikely to have sexual activity between us ever again.

To us it simply doesn't matter, sex was a part of what we did and now it is isn't [Gallic shrug] .... we literally do not care. We love each other entirely and nothing interferes with that, because we are each other's life.

With yourself I would say that your boyfriend appears to be extremely self centred and pays little attention to what you need/require .... At your age, that is bad news frankly because it won't improve. In truth, it'll get worse with age.

There is nothing wrong with being best friends, indeed IMO, one must be best friends with one's life partner ... There is nothing wrong with peace, happiness and little in the way of arguments; my wife and I are the same ... There is actually nothing wrong with limited to no sex.

What does matter is that your boyfriend is it would seem selfish and not appreciative of something which you require .... That is disturbing and frankly, I would think long and hard before accepting that. Therein lies a path to a miserable life, because I suspect he is much about himself and little about you.

Good fortune and good luck to you.

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