I broke up with my ex because she has a child. Could we still be friends?

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Hey I’m 19 years old and I recently broke up with my ex because she had a child.
Before I go further let me give you a summary of why I made the choices I have. Well it all started when we kids 5th grade to be exact we became best friends. I developed deep feelings for as a kid I feel in love with her but I could never to get her to see me in that way back then we’ll this might be a shocker because I was ugly lol. But fast forward in the future we’re both 19 and she has a 2 year daughter With a different guy.

Now we we’re still good friends And she then Admits to me her new feelings towards me and like the dummy I am knowing I probably wouldn’t be comfortable with the fact she has a child I dive in the relationship because I felt as though she could be my soulmate. But after 4 months of dating her I felt constant guilt or sum that just didn’t feel right. At times I would get a little distant because of that. I soon broke up with her and Then explained to her what I was feeling. But after we broke up we eventually got back together then broke up once again for the same reason. Now I know you must be thinking I’m an idiot well you call it how you see it I can’t blame you but I honestly tried to change my mindset for her so we could be together because I felt as though we where meant to be and what we had could be perfect if I didn’t mind she had a child that wasn’t mine, and at our age. It’s hard dealing with this break up because she was literally my best friend we were always there for each other. And where aren’t really on speaking terms last time I talked to her was otp and we agreed on giving each other some time away from each other so we unfollowed each other on social media and most likely deleted Both our numbers (I know I deleted mines) but when we last spoke it wasn’t on bad terms I told her how I felt and tried to justify my actions, but it really comes down to if she will forgive me for hurting her.

I will always have love for them in my heart but it’s sum things I can’t change about how I feel.
I have two questions for the people read this (if you came this far and are going to give me your intake thank you!) am I wrong for going into this relationship and do you think it’s possible for us to be friends again...

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@Solvinglife24,

It's understandable you're not ready to be a father type to a very small child. At 19, that's an awful lot of responsibility that you recognize you can't handle. So, that's a good thing.

What isn't such a good thing is your judgmental attitude. That's something that comes through loud and clear. You are essentially calling her a whore. And, at 19, that's a pretty childish attitude to have.

You ask if you could be friends. Maybe, some day. After you've grown up some and are ready to be part of a family. Today is just not that day.

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@Solvinglife24,

I think you've been incredibly foolish. And maybe she's been as well, having a kid so young. But we're talking about you and your choices right now.

I get that you are a young man and God knows you're not mature yet. And it shows.

If you love her, then you find a way to at least tolerate her kid, who she loves. Period. There are no weasel ways around this.

And since you don't, then guess what? You probably don't love her.

Can you two be friends? If I were her, I would kick your sorry ass to the curb and block your number. I am not kidding. To not support her emotionally, and her child (who by definition is a preschooler, and therefore a ton of work)? I would find that very hard to forgive.

You don't have to change diapers (although it would be nice if you did) and have the kid call you Daddy for you to be supportive. Instead, you threw this up as a barrier between the two of you, one she cannot change or erase.

What would it take to make you a couple again? The death of her child? The erasure of her child from existence? Sending the kid out for adoption because you aren't comfortable with her?

Yeah, I would tell you to go scratch. And your ex should, too.

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@Solvinglife24,

Agreed with most of jespah.

My personal experience - I once dated a guy who had a daughter - they were young probably when their birth control failed (this is the story I got) - she wanted to get married, he did not. When I met him the child was toddler - I think 3. I was a little bit older than you about 23.

The difference is when I started dating him I did not know about his daughter he never told me. We got more serious, I stated at his house and saw a picture of his daughter at his - didn't know at the time it was his daughter - I just assumed it was a niece or godchild as I have seen kids pictures at other friends' houses before.

He then told me. I was shocked. It was something of course he should have told me before; I had to mull it over. It didn't sit well with me - I didn't know if I wanted to date a dad with me being so young - but was not sure if it was that which bothered me or him not telling me.

We were out to dinner and as a result he was late to pick her up. He told me this during our dinner and said he was stepping up to call the mom and let her know he would be very late. I was pissed. He thought because it impacted our dinner - no because I was thinking of the poor child - and I could tell from the reaction this was what he probably typically does. I told him he should be there when he is supposed to - it is his responsibility.

We didn't last long after that - I think I realized it was more they way he acted about the child even more so than having a child.

In either case, though I probably was not in a position to date someone with a child. You seem to be in that situation. Nothing wrong with it - but you should never have dated her. You date someone with a child, that child is the most important thing (or at least should be) to that parent. You acted irresponsible in dating with her when you had reservations about it.

Normally I would always say yes you can friends depending on the two of you - but in this case, I think it is better for both you not to be friends. Just remember a child is involved and this should be of most importance. If you are not mature enough to deal with a child then so be it - just recognize it. But let them mom go.

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@Solvinglife24,

Yes, you were wrong getting into a relationship with your best friend fully knowing she has a child and that made you uncomfortable. That would deem you as the opposite of a best friend.

As for salvaging your friendship, that all depends on exactly what you said to her. If you flat out said it was because she had a child, I would say you don't have much of a chance of ever regaining the best friend status. To her you will always be that friend that changed because she had a child as opposed to the best friend that supported her.

Good luck

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Guess I'll come at it from another perspective. My own.

First off though, I certainly don't see anywhere that he is calling her a whore for having a child.
A lot of people, both male and female, have problems with having a child that is not biologically their own.
That's one of the reasons some couples decide not to adopt.

I do question though, if this man is saying he doesn't want the child around because it isn't his, or if he flat out just doesn't want children.
That's a valid reason too. It's just not an acceptable thing to say much of the time in this society.
Maybe he wants a child in his future, maybe he doesn't.

To me, just like anything else, if the child is a deal breaker, so be it.

When I was barely starting to date my husband, he stopped by his sisters house with me, because he told me, his daughter was visiting her. I remember feeling shocked when he said daughter, because to me he didn't look like someone who would even have a child.

But there she was, 5 years old. I hadn't met his sister at that time either, and I'll admit it was all a bit of a shock to me.
The kid lived with her mom and step father, a few miles away.

I will be the first to admit that if the girl lived with her father, the relationship never would have worked out. But she didn't, and it did. Now she's in her late thirties, and we are very close. But when she was small, and into her teens, I had no idea how to be with her, and faked it as best I could, with no parental feelings involved. I couldn't have maintained that if she was in the same home.

So cut the guy some slack. If he does want to be friendly with her, with no thought of it becoming more, great.

If he wants more, well, don't push the river. He may develop feelings towards the kid. He may not.
Time will tell.

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@chai2,

Chai I completely agree with you that there is nothing at all wrong with someone that does not want a child - or a child that is not their own biological one or does not want one now but maybe in the future.

To me that is not the issue. The issue is - he dated her knowing she had a child although (now I could be wrong her) he sounds like this is a deal breaker for him. That is the issue. Why start something when you know that her having a child was going to be an issue. At the very least if he was unsure he should have been clear with this woman on that - tell her up front, I do really like you and would like to date you, but I want to be honest - I am not sure how I feel about being with someone that has a child with someone else.

He knew she had a child and was raising a child. He knew that he at the very least felt uncomfortable about that. This is a child not a cat - and how many people have you heard say if the guy doesn't like cats he is out!

He is asking if they could still be friends - my opinion is - very doubtful. It is possible, but for most parents (and this is the way it should be) their child will always come first. That is why I find it doubtful.

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@Linkat,

Because maybe he didn't know 100% it was a deal breaker until he encountered it.

He may have been unsure of course. But at 19 you're unsure about a lot of things.

At 29, I wasn't sure about dating someone with a child. I wasn't sure until I really knew I wasn't going to be called on to participate in the raising in any way.

At 61, have a feeling that I wouldn't be interested in getting involved with a church goer.

However, that wouldn't mean I wouldn't go on a date or a few to decide.
It might be I didn't mind it at all if he kept his Sunday morning activities to himself.
I'd mind it more if he wanted to talk about what happened there when I saw him again. Perhaps not enough to call it quits, but I'd have to decide how to adjust to that. If he didn't go on too long about it, selective deafness might work.
Like when small dtr came to spend nights, I let him know this was "his special time" with her, and I didn't want to interfere. Didn't feel the need to tell him the rest of it. That if I did feel I had to spend time doing kid stuff with them, I'd come to resent it.
Selfish? Damn straight.

Cats? Heavens no.
But honestly? If a guy had a loud squaking parrot that was going to live another 30 years, nope.

Anyway, this guy is 19. He's just starting the lifelong process of figuring out who he is.

I can't wrap my mind around a 19 year old calling someone an ex. But that's the way of the world.
There's I'm sure kids in 3rd grade now calling some other kid their ex right now.

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@chai2,

Chai - a child is different. So much different.

It involves someone who has no say in the matter.

Getting involved with an adult whatever their background if you are unsure of anything about them is impacting a consenting mature (well if they are an adult they are supposed to be mature) adult that is in a position to make decisions for themself.

A child is not. I child cannot consent - a child especially one so young is dependent on its parent. The child has no say -

I also stated if he was unsure - then he should have said something. It was the wrong thing to do.

Quote:

Like when small dtr came to spend nights, I let him know this was "his special time" with her, and I didn't want to interfere. Didn't feel the need to tell him the rest of it.

this was the right thing to do - you made yourself clear on this. This other guy did not (at least I am assuming from what he posted he did not). I am glad though he smartened up at least and realized it before he went much further - but to expect her to be friends with him - not so sure it would happen.

My 17 year old (and even when she was 16) called her "boyfriend" of a few weeks an ex so yeah for teens anyone they ever dated is an ex.

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