I broke up with my ex because she has a child. Could we still be friends?

Reply Wed 20 May, 2020 11:13 pm
Hey I’m 19 years old and I recently broke up with my ex because she had a child.
Before I go further let me give you a summary of why I made the choices I have. Well it all started when we kids 5th grade to be exact we became best friends. I developed deep feelings for as a kid I feel in love with her but I could never to get her to see me in that way back then we’ll this might be a shocker because I was ugly lol. But fast forward in the future we’re both 19 and she has a 2 year daughter With a different guy.

Now we we’re still good friends And she then Admits to me her new feelings towards me and like the dummy I am knowing I probably wouldn’t be comfortable with the fact she has a child I dive in the relationship because I felt as though she could be my soulmate. But after 4 months of dating her I felt constant guilt or sum that just didn’t feel right. At times I would get a little distant because of that. I soon broke up with her and Then explained to her what I was feeling. But after we broke up we eventually got back together then broke up once again for the same reason. Now I know you must be thinking I’m an idiot well you call it how you see it I can’t blame you but I honestly tried to change my mindset for her so we could be together because I felt as though we where meant to be and what we had could be perfect if I didn’t mind she had a child that wasn’t mine, and at our age. It’s hard dealing with this break up because she was literally my best friend we were always there for each other. And where aren’t really on speaking terms last time I talked to her was otp and we agreed on giving each other some time away from each other so we unfollowed each other on social media and most likely deleted Both our numbers (I know I deleted mines) but when we last spoke it wasn’t on bad terms I told her how I felt and tried to justify my actions, but it really comes down to if she will forgive me for hurting her.

I will always have love for them in my heart but it’s sum things I can’t change about how I feel.
I have two questions for the people read this (if you came this far and are going to give me your intake thank you!) am I wrong for going into this relationship and do you think it’s possible for us to be friends again...
Reply Thu 21 May, 2020 06:11 am
It's understandable you're not ready to be a father type to a very small child. At 19, that's an awful lot of responsibility that you recognize you can't handle. So, that's a good thing.

What isn't such a good thing is your judgmental attitude. That's something that comes through loud and clear. You are essentially calling her a whore. And, at 19, that's a pretty childish attitude to have.

You ask if you could be friends. Maybe, some day. After you've grown up some and are ready to be part of a family. Today is just not that day.
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Reply Thu 21 May, 2020 06:16 am
I think you've been incredibly foolish. And maybe she's been as well, having a kid so young. But we're talking about you and your choices right now.

I get that you are a young man and God knows you're not mature yet. And it shows.

If you love her, then you find a way to at least tolerate her kid, who she loves. Period. There are no weasel ways around this.

And since you don't, then guess what? You probably don't love her.

Can you two be friends? If I were her, I would kick your sorry ass to the curb and block your number. I am not kidding. To not support her emotionally, and her child (who by definition is a preschooler, and therefore a ton of work)? I would find that very hard to forgive.

You don't have to change diapers (although it would be nice if you did) and have the kid call you Daddy for you to be supportive. Instead, you threw this up as a barrier between the two of you, one she cannot change or erase.

What would it take to make you a couple again? The death of her child? The erasure of her child from existence? Sending the kid out for adoption because you aren't comfortable with her?

Yeah, I would tell you to go scratch. And your ex should, too.
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Reply Thu 21 May, 2020 01:59 pm
Agreed with most of jespah.

My personal experience - I once dated a guy who had a daughter - they were young probably when their birth control failed (this is the story I got) - she wanted to get married, he did not. When I met him the child was toddler - I think 3. I was a little bit older than you about 23.

The difference is when I started dating him I did not know about his daughter he never told me. We got more serious, I stated at his house and saw a picture of his daughter at his - didn't know at the time it was his daughter - I just assumed it was a niece or godchild as I have seen kids pictures at other friends' houses before.

He then told me. I was shocked. It was something of course he should have told me before; I had to mull it over. It didn't sit well with me - I didn't know if I wanted to date a dad with me being so young - but was not sure if it was that which bothered me or him not telling me.

We were out to dinner and as a result he was late to pick her up. He told me this during our dinner and said he was stepping up to call the mom and let her know he would be very late. I was pissed. He thought because it impacted our dinner - no because I was thinking of the poor child - and I could tell from the reaction this was what he probably typically does. I told him he should be there when he is supposed to - it is his responsibility.

We didn't last long after that - I think I realized it was more they way he acted about the child even more so than having a child.

In either case, though I probably was not in a position to date someone with a child. You seem to be in that situation. Nothing wrong with it - but you should never have dated her. You date someone with a child, that child is the most important thing (or at least should be) to that parent. You acted irresponsible in dating with her when you had reservations about it.

Normally I would always say yes you can friends depending on the two of you - but in this case, I think it is better for both you not to be friends. Just remember a child is involved and this should be of most importance. If you are not mature enough to deal with a child then so be it - just recognize it. But let them mom go.
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