How do I stop my adult daughter from controlling me without ruining our relationship?

Reply Tue 19 May, 2020 11:47 am
I love my 27 year old child and overall we have a good and close relationship but she can be overly controlling on my life. It’s as if I need her permission to make my own decisions. In this health environment things have only gotten worse. She doesn’t want me to see anyone or go anywhere. I’m very cautious on my own.
I told her I decided to have my cleaning person return with the understanding that this person wear mask and gloves and I will be out of the house in my office for the few hours that she will be here. I also had to have a refrigerator replaced so there were some repairman here it was wearing mask and gloves and I stayed near the door. And there were other things that life presents that we just need to do. She seem to understand but not be happy about it. The real problem centers on my social life.
i have been in a relationship for almost a year and she is vehemently against me seeing this person.I think she’s using it as an excuse since she really has never been easy to deal with in terms of my dating life. Now I have an issue because her and her fiancé who live out of state want to visit for a few weeks. Do I tell my significant other not come here for a few weeks (he lives out of state as well but in the suburbs like me)? She also told me that I shouldn’t see anybody now since it’s a 14 day incubation period and she and her fiancé have been avoiding contact with any other people and she doesn’t want me to give her that could possibly result in the virus because she says her immunity system is depressed. Well the facts are that she sees her doctor twice a week and I saw her visiting her girlfriend yesterday and she visits her fiancé‘s family from time to time reluctantly. Do I not see anybody for the next 14 days plus the few weeks she’s here or do I just make my own decision and tell her that she can decide whether or not to visit based on my actions?

Also, my bf is having out patient surgery in a few weeks so I planned on staying with him for several days and he’s required to take a coronavirus test. Assuming he’s negative do I tell her so she backs off a bit maybe?I’ve been a widow over 8 years. I think it’s more about her grief than anything else. She gives other reasons why she doesn’t like him but frankly he is very good to me in all respects so she should be happy for me and just keep her remarks to herself. I recognize that by me seeing anyone else including my boyfriend I could be exposing myself or those around me to the virus. However I am very cautious and so is my boyfriend. He lives on in his own home and doesn’t really go out except to come see me each weekend. On the other hand she does go to the doctor twice a week and lives in a large city while I live in the suburbs as does my bf.
Reply Wed 20 May, 2020 07:30 am
It sounds like your daughter shouldn't be visiting at this time. If her immune system is compromised, she should stay home and you two can video chat. You might also want to back off on how much sharing you are doing about your dating life.
Reply Wed 20 May, 2020 10:23 am
FWIW, I agree. She’s been given too much license and insight into your private life. The time for that sort of inclusion should be in the past. The period of time you were an unattached widow and NOT dating is a bygone era. On top of that he needs your help due to his operation. He will be tested and you can both wear a mask if he’s in quarantine, though that’ll be awkward.

The transition to being part of a couple and in a committed relationship is not something she’s able to accept, yet. Without distancing her and shutting her out, she needs to understand where the new boundaries are.

If she visits, it’ll have to be at some other time, so it seems. The risk of her added visits to others increases odds of exposing you AND your b/f It’s just an unnecessary risk.

Furthermore, she’s not supposed to be dictating terms to you about what and how you date. That’s off limits. He’s a good man and you’re ready for this relationship.
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