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Wed 26 Feb, 2020 04:50 pm
This is a complicated one! Ive been with my partner since we were 17 . weve both had anxiety and depression through our twenties and early thirities and despite creating a life together and having a child things had taken their toll on both of us which left our relationship on unstable ground. I met someone at work last year who seemed to be the answer to so many things id been looking for for years and filled so many of the gaps that were not being filled by my partner - he helped me be a stronger more confident and less fearful person and took away this deep paralysing loneliness that Id had for so many years. There was attraction between us too which kept building and developed into a more physical thing after some months. I will explain that 8 years ago I cheated on my partner and we'd separated for a year so there were unresolved trust issues we had never ever addressed in the relationship. So pretty much from the start my partner was reading my messages and emails and spying on me because he had suspicions about this guy. Every time he found out something it would damage the trust even further and weve been at breaking point several times. Its got to the point that were currently on a break o see how we manage being separate from eachother. I think Id been looking for a way out of my unhappiness with him and this other person seemed to be the opposite of him in every respect so I was confused for months about my feelings towards him. we agreed that whilst on this break we would be faithful to eachother. I was so shocked at the effect being seperate from him had on me and was adamant in myself to remain faithful to him and not be swayed byt the other person. A cople of weeks into the break things did get physical again and Im epxeriencing the worst guilt ive ever had, its horrific, and im deeply angry at myself. I will expain next that this person has got some personality problems and after it being pointed out by my dad shortly after the last physical experience (because he was harrassing me on the phone till 3 am and my dad witnessed the conversation) it is a deeply unhealthy relationship that I have with him. Even though hes helped me enormously and he has some good qualities, he aso has an attachment to me which is obsessive nad possessive, he makes threats and blackmails me and is crushing me . I couldnt see it before clearly like that because hes so clever intelectually at talking me through things in certain ways. I think he wants to dominate me really. His biggest insecurity is that im going to abandon him like other peope have done and ive spent months reassuring him that its not going to happen and basically being a bit like a mother to him, but hes so unstable.Hes made threats for a week now to tell my partner everything and that he would make up lies as well if i dont do what he wants or behaves in a certain way and I feel trapped. Im in a stuck position because my gut feeling is to tell my partner everything so that he doesnt have anything to hold over me and because i feel so wretched anyway, but going down that path would mean i might lose my partner for good with that added betrayal. If he did decide to forgive me i think i would have to cut ties with this other person and hes already said that if i did that he would go go mad, his own relationship would end, hed damage anything i had with my partner, and i think it oculd get o the point of involving police and having to leave my job which i love. Ive never appreciated my partner like i do at this point, Id literally give my left arm to go back 6 months and do things differently. hes a thousand times the man this other person is. Despite all this I know i dont deserve him so it might just be time to live with the mess ive made for myself and grieve the future i could have had had i not strayed.
if i keep the secret to myself of what happened since our break started ihave to live with that deciet forver and the fear itll be exposed one day. I thought if i could steer the interests of that other person away from me it might be a good start. Basically im frightened of the destruction that other path represents.
@Goldloz,
The other guy is blackmailing you, and you're falling for it. He sounds potentially violent and abusive.
Get out now.
As for your partner, tell him what happened and let the chips fall where they may. Blackmailers lose their edge and their leverage when the information they are getting you to pay (in your case, it's with sex and attention rather than $) to keep quiet becomes public.
Make it public, and get a restraining order if you have to.